if i closed my eyes and wish hard enough

woke up really early... in the wee hours to go marketing for ingredients, following the marinating of it... i may be all adrenaline-pumped up this morning with enthusiasm...

but i guess the full inertial of evergy-urges ends about now...

i'm totally dead-beat.

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i made brunch today...
~~
consisting of leafy green baby cai lan fried in garlic and dried scallops,
japanese rice with a sunshine egg accompanied in dark soya sauce ontop of it,
as well as grilled chicken drumlets marinated with black pepper corn etc (secret recipe).... 


for the One that i love...
~~
hopefully he did enjoyed it as much as i did whipping up the menu of varieties for him...

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much have changed ever since so long time ago... the distance and the formality of it all... the One that i love , seemingly vague, a stranger in the midst of the crowded streets we were loittering in...

i accompanied him shopping today... as he did accompanying me to collect my new identification card before that...

he gotten himself a whole new wardrobe so far, from what i observed... which made me really happy for him and his now new circumstantial lifestyle - free and easy.

his sexy suede shoes, brown and scruffy but at the same time smart and decent, striked a contrast in the midst of my confusional-based mind. he was so much a different person now.

he tried and bought the new pair of Levis straight type 523 dark blue after that too... there were some moments i felt as if he was still the same old One that i love, that i once spent my life with...

there was the sweetness and the care & concern admist the decision-making process of purchasing the pair of hell-expensive jeans.

the whole time i spent with him... the hands on my watch clock - its hours and minutes seemingly flying pass almost instantaneously... how i wish for that moment - i could pause and hold time on its second's hand, ticking away, just to prolong the satisfaction of quality time with him.

yes quality time, not quantity.

no longer am i concerned with stepping on the long pebbled and bumpy road with him - being his partner in a committed life together, but i now view the times i spent with him...

being able to be myself and allowing him to be himself, building upon the feelings that has always been dwelling in me.

i love him so much it hurts each time he does something so charming, till i felt like placing my fingers upon his cheeks and face... to hold his strong big hands, to hug him like he was once mine...

he doesn't understand nor know of my actual contradictary vivid mixtures and chemistry of feelings deep down inside me, becoz i'll never openly admit to him how badly i miss him in the face...
 

i don't want to risk another episode of bad retaliation by rejection terms - from his part. i know i don't need added stress in that form.

for now, i can only pretend and feign careless bo chup acts of fake cannot-be-bothered-ness but still perform acts of concern and LOVE for him...

because i just cannot stop myself from remotely eliminating them...

the One that i love will fully take in my outward behaviour correspondingly similar to a district judge-attorney, as if it was a joyous reaction - like always, the desire to achieve success and fly as free as a sparrow out of its iron cage.

he has nothing else in his mind, other den the pursuing of monetary benifits... there is no space nor time where a female agenda could be prescribed into his heart.

if i could only turn back time, and try alot harder, occasionally sweet and pretencious, not as real and truthful - frank and direct, nor rash and ill-behaved, maybe i could have ended up walking down the red carpet in the sanctuary of a certain religion's worshipping centre, united as One with him.

in solitary moments my mind expounds upon thoughts and mis-givings, whore to the fate i've led myself in, i'll close my eyes and wish hard enough, that if wishes were to come true as all fairy tales says it would... my only wish will lead me to a blissful ever after 


if only i could...