pondered thoughts

he's not interested in me anymore. i see it through his sullen eyes, his bleak expression when interacting with me. plus he lied even over simple facts like what he is doing at the moment.

said to my face "i got the choice whether to talk to u or not"

goes the same way abt what is the truth i presume.

yes, its been almost 2 months since we parted. i still can't bring myself to accept that fact.

in the blink of an eye, i've dozens of suitors, millions of perverted suckers & a zillion bastards skirt-chasing me... for?

having to oppress my deepest desire just to hold him in my arms - that feeling just sucks big time (more then if u failed ur exams miserably)

he's grown much thinner now, repressed in his own realms of bachelorhood that i guess he is enjoying so darn much. however so, i don't see a single sign of pure happiness in his vision - i've known him long enough to see through his colors and reality.

is he really happy now alone, single & swinging? is all the color drained from his expressionless face due to his pressurizing workload to perform for this year ahead?

enquired if he were to be on holidays - thailand, with me earlier on, all travel expenses fully paid for by me. i'm a dumb block-head to sacrifice so much - so says u readers. wonder if he were to accept or decline my invitation.

im experiencing hormonal imbalance these days (shortform: the PMS disaster).

prolong undescribably ill-fated singlehood for 2 months have wreaked havoc in my physical and mental state. almost proclaiming my stance - as a new-borned virgin again, i gladly conclude that... i'll rather sex-change then be a woman for any longer period.

how do i bed another one who might enter into my life once more - when all i can recall and think of when fucking my partner... is him?? its a fate worst then death. MISERABLE MISERABLE!

i saw him - lying on his side upon his comfy bed, his hips jutted out and his legs were thinner then i imagined them to be. his once there cute-tad belly was all gone, and so was whatever meat there used to be on his upper body.

thick eyebags and a very pale complexion, my heart ached at the sight of him. wished i could just reach out my hands to pull him into my bosoms, feeling his warmth against my chest... hearing his deep breathing and heartbeat once again.

now all i could do was to openly invite him - a friendly brief hug which he did obliged but unwillingly, with the facial description... of well, i can jus conclude - pure annoyance??

but being courteous as ever to anyone he knew (his philosophy based on friendships) he let me close into his chest time and again as we bid goodbye... i didn't dare hug tightly nor cling onto his broad shoulders/frame long, fearing to incur his wrath or plain awkwardness? he didn't circle his arms around me either. proof enough of reluctance on his part.

he still wears the ring i bought for him specially on v-day. it stands out - a silver-shining-beacon, of the hope i have to rekindle his passion for me. so is all the decorations in his room - the stuffs displayed on his walls, shelves and my precious toy-cow that i gave to him.

i recall explicit details of how he maintained his "cool" whenever i blew my temper at him. or how he managed to digress from my demanding bitchiness in attitudes that most guys will juz let & run loose from.

perhaps on the surface, there is much that others would deem him being unsuitable for me and "oh blunder" myself for my stupidity on wanting a hooked-up life with him still. i can only say - he's incredibly passive and tolerant towards my horrendous behavioural acts/display of feminist delegations.

ok so i wholly regret how i treated him back then. it takes an undeniably twist of fate to unwind and undo all the hurt and mess i've caused in his life before he can even think about welcoming me back into his life(?) or not.

so now i learnt to watch my temper,
learnt to forgo my spoilt-natured temprement,
learnt to control my emotions and avoid confrontations,
learnt to put up a smile even when the irritance level in me is too high to be covered-up,
learnt to smoke away my anxieties and paranoial,
learnt to walk away from an outburst of tears or scornfulness.

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next entry: remind me to discuss on the good tactics of "how to perform a good blowjob"