what is the change?

someone asked me today, so whats the change about?

i'll put it down in terms - english simplified as much as possible.

the change not in physical terms, nor wealth nor assets that i possess (though i would really like to achieve something near to that of my expectations with my capabilities). rather the change is sought for in terms of my mindset - how i perceive things, how i go about interpreting events and actions.

contuary to most, i have a very subjective and assuming personality - please don't believe my past report cards from the early wee days when i was in an autonomous government school, which labelled me ALWAYS as an unassuming character. that was a very simple me back then.

undeniably, i read and subject every action as an intention - harmful and always bias against me. that everybody is out to betray, or hurt, or get me in some form of negativity. that is me.

perhaps the reason bows down to the horoscope traits that i am so formally inclined to believe.

towards any strangers and even friends, close or distant aquintances, i always had the problem of feeling almost "threatened" by their momentus secrecy in the way they would hide some private secrets or perform a certain action in my presence. also i had the problem of feeling "left out" especially if i wasn't included in any of the events that i would hear of thereafter.

i was borned a neutral personality, but maybe unjustifiably, i was nurtured into becoming a pessimist. this is not intentionally putting the blame on my parents for the environment i was brought up it. no, i blame no one but myself.

eventually, self-realisation in every mature adult would see them fit into becoming a better person to the society. maybe the world is a bad place to live in - with all its loop-holes and the way society is cultivated to be impressed by the few rich & beautiful.

undoubtingly, events of such often claims our outcries of intense hatred - why should we suffer so much just for the paper & money chase?

so changes that i do so want to aim for - maturation of the mind, less of the suspicions i have on every living soul on this planet, less of paranoial inclination and lastly, nurturing my self-confidence beyond just first impressions basis.

evolving into a much calmer and rational individual, adapt to a more non-instinctive way of doing things based on that current moment, learning anger management (self-taught?) and giving myself space to fully development my mindset into one that's non-subjective and as i would like it to be - unassuming.

life after work is not the same as in the hours of meeting deadlines. that is the point where people see the real me. i do so hope this break and leeway of unrestricted space to find myself does me the ultimate joy - being able to free myself from my past "sanctuary" of a living nightmare, which i have basked myself in for too long a time.

till then, i'm staying single. nothing has possessed me into this turning point, neither is the reason of T that most would be perceiving. but in order for me to seek the bright light out of the blackness i've dwelled in for so long, i have no other choice but to be honest with my past.

when i've finally felt that there is no longer the erksome feeling of "threat" felt by me towards anyone - near and far, then will i be ready to share my life's content with Him.

if he accepts, that is.