from devil to angel

over lunch today, somebody provided for me a new way to look at the situations that im currenty sinking myself into, as well as the hellish past i've laid down on a certain being that i dearly love.

reflecting everything now, i declare willingly, i was obsessed with him. with too much feelings and emotions pinned onto him, i have dilluted the once deep-liking he had for me, instead allowing him to approach me with a "stand-offish" on-guard reaction of the particularly mean kind thereafter. that was his way of retaliating towards my excessive paranoial.

i had put in too much love that it overshadowed the privacy and the freedom i had to give to him. over all of that which he deserves, i became increasingly disturbed, wanting him to have a "no life" habitual daily routine, as if he was to be kept in a cell. unable to breathe.

this realisation doesn't come as a good one then... seeing myself in new horizons, i'm such a possessive and greedy bitch! wanting to re-possess someone whom i love instead of allowing him to enjoy my love in a more passive manner.

looking back, i have to say i'm all grateful. gratitude is something i had never shown in appreciation to him. T had put in alot of hope, given many chances in our relationship, in bidst of seeing a new rainbow that would brighten up the sowed darken desert, that was what our relationship was becoming - i can only show my appreciation here now by saying sincerely: Thank You.

standing in the public train, mind floating back to the times he came all the way down in the middle of the night, abandoning his rest and sleep, just becoz i had thrown a stupid foul arguement which had sprung out of nothing at all (i always would to find things to fight about with him). God, i feel almost sick with the past memories of how childish and hot-tempered i was.

when i was the obnoxious & willful me, popping over his place all the sudden, without prior arrangement with him, he took it in silence, rushing back from his office after his meetings immediately, so that i'll not be left alone at his place, even forgo-ing his clients appointments and his heavy office workload. yet recalling all his quiet & mild efforts to be nice, i didnt realise any of it at all, but took them for granted. i was so un-appreciative.

then, when he didnt make any calls to me, or didnt report any of his on-going events for that day, i'll begin calling and calling, till i could get him. sometimes even ringing up his friends, in the middle of the night, and begin ranting, crying & getting all emotional, becoz he had switched off his hp, too irritated by my nonsense to bother being nice.

so in this domain here, i am publicly making an apology. to him, to his friends, to myself... for the damn whore things i have done, for the nonsense and the irritance i have caused in many & especially him. yet what has been done cannot be undone.

to all: relish your present down, appreciate what u have . remember to show appreciation for them. becoz u'll never know when u'll start losing all of the things you've taken for granted of, and begin regretting so painfully, weaping at their desertion.

that somebody told me too, over that one long, draggy, heartfelt and almost too frank to believe conversation -

change for yourself, not for him or for others, becoz only with your own determination to change your own character and overall personality traits cum habits and mindset, will u find happiness and joy, and then can others really see the change in u.

mature wisely, mature gracefully & mature rationally.

i was a very very bad partner, girlfriend & friend in the past. Now i intend to become the angel i never once were.

And i miss him so much.