happy birthday to you

happier times... happy birthday to darling...
here's wilson, me and him
 

my hurt

there is a black cloud looming over my vision. the word "but" keeps surfacing in my mind. i tink too much. there is something that just isn't right.

long time ago i had noted that there was something not quite right abt him n a ger he used to fancy and had went all the way to aust juz to look for her back then. he doesn't do such mighty acts of sacrifices for any ger. not even me.

i used to suspect that the 2 of them still had some connection going on. how deep the connection i've no idea. but last nite i juz found out. he had hidden from me the very fact that she still holds a candle for him. and perhaps he does too. i've no need to doubt his affections for her. for her, he can scold me, turn on me, juz like yest night. of wad importance am i den to him?

he is together with me thats why he is together with me. thats his logic. like i'm his burden of debts that he have to carry around. he doesn't know wad real relationship means. that u want to be with the person thats why u are with the person. that you love n cherish times spent with that special one. he put all that reasoning off as pure romantic fantasies. wads so special then? between a girlfriend and a good lady friend, i see no difference at all.

my mind is blank. i cried my guts out yest when he told me everything. how betrayed i felt. when i had earlier on questioned him a year ago abt him n her, he put it off as "lame" and "silly" and that they were juz friends.

but she adruptly came back to spore the day before. she text him to meet up. he's face his body language suddenly became uncomfortable. like he couldn't hide his excitement. but on the other hand i was present, so he had to appear aloof. like a puppy who had done something wrong, his expression said it all. the guilt, the anxiety on his face.. i was apprehensive.

when questioned that moment he told me becoz i was always suspecting abt this ger or that ger. thats y he was scared i would turn on him. i closed one eye. afterthat alarm sprung out. of no reason, he was so defensive and strong-headed abt me giving him freedom. not to see his hp, not to stop him from going or doing anything. all of the sudden??

then last night, she called to wish him happy birthday. before that i had suggested he brought her along to zouk since as big-hearted as i can get, i wanted to make myself believe and was into the stage of believing there was nothing going on b/t them. he shrugged off my suggestion, telling me he wanted to just spend time with me and not be juggling her n me at the same time. i didn't prod on.

so she called him. i had went to the ladies, returning only to find him having a very "heart-pain" expression as he was talking on the fone to her. after that, his whole being turned cold. his face showed no sign of enjoyment that he had on earlier b4 the fonecall. my heart crunched. i knew something was admist.

hours past as i question him wads wrong... why was he so upset-looking. he said he was juz stress over his work. i didn't doubt it. i believed and wan to believe everything that he says to me is truthful n real.

at the end of the night, he pulled me out of zouk. said he was having a headache. when we sat there, things started to spill out of his mouth. he said one thing that i will neva forget. "one day u will find out, one day u will know the truth" but until that day he had not wanted to tell me yet. was that day meaning the day of our break-up?

i asked further.. feeling a dagger piercing my heart in the process. den he spilled out everything. i presumed it was everything. wad more can i trust n believe? she didn't wan to come becoz i was ard... and that she would be heart broken.

why did he bring me to see her last year?
how long did he know she was still holding a candle for him?
did he hold a candle for her too?
wad was going on between the 2 of them?
why must he hide from me for a whole year and 4 months?

i cried till my mascara smugged over every part of my face. my tears were not of anger nor jealousy. it sprung from the pure thought of how he betrayed my trust for all these time with me. the hurt can neva be healed.

he told me he was neva unfaithful to me. he told me he still loves me. but how can i trust him? i admit i trust him very little before. but now every word he says to me will be questioned in my mind. wads real? wads not?

if he loved me why lie to me all this while? why lie to me when i was in his icq questioning her abt the 2 of them? i remembered it like it was just yest. she reported the matter to him that i had talked to her. after that he forcefully changed all his passwords so that i couldn't access his accounts. to break communication between her n me? to prevent me from finding out? to stop the fact that perhaps one day she will be msging something that would put him in a bad shoe?

facts are facts. i didn't do anything to ignite his anger yest. his emotions were borned from her fonecall. says alot to me. how important she is to him. undoubtingly, he had even used a fierce n cold tone on me. venting his frustration on me? when i was just unknowingly treaded on hot stones.

he told me to be understanding n reasonble last nite. dun stress him too much. "if not wad? " that was the question in my mind. would he dump me for her thus?

i feel like a naive little ger. believing in him whole-heartedly. thinking that all this acts of bringing me to see his parents, friends etc were becoz he wanted something outta us. something in the future where we are as one. how lame all these thoughts n ambitions are now as i lay the tiles down and view the bigger picture of things.

i shudder at his touch now. wad makes his touch special or words so pure n real to me now that i know perhaps behind his mind he is envisioning me as her. i feel used, abused. like any substitutes will feel.

God help me live on. my will to fight, my will to be brave is weaken. yes, i understood now. Men are conniving creatures. my faith in him died yest when he told me everything. but it was better to hear it from his mouth then to find out myself. he was my everything. my best friend, my companion, my all. now i'm left isolated in this bleak horizon. wad else am i left with?