friendship??

i found out that expressing myself is not so simple as how it is so basic to me in here... fuck it.

here i can write all my bullshits and wateva i really feel w/o any guards put forth... but i had a very (REALLY VERY!) hard time trying to get the msg across to him today wad actually had gone on with me n my "love-of-my-life".

i didn't actually wan to be so direct n straight-forward in expressing my situation nor did i have any intentions in saying wad i really felt... but I DID IT in the end!

i feel so nasty n bad abt the whole situation.... really really bad... i neva contemplated telling him the truth... but i juz couldn't bring myself to act out and put on some fake front before him... guess i'm not cut out to be an actress huh.

so i had given him some indirect signals that my mind n heart had faded in the multitude of emotions i had weeks ago... thurs' conversation online... plus today's behaviour towards him... i guess i cld had juz told him directly but.... sigh

i'm juz a simple ger wanting simple life... well other den my tai-tai dreams.... complex issues bother me... resulting in my muddling and irritable self resurfing...

my attention span cannot be directed onto more den a single guy... yes previously i was n felt so neglected... i wanted to seek excitment... blah.. naive u may think but its some explicit logical reality that most of us will unaccountable behave n become sometimes...

anyhow... i told him flat... well not curtly... i juz felt so nauseous n guilty n bad abt the whole time, taking up all his time, his finances, his energy, his affections... i treasure his friendship as much as one can treasure ur own life... i dunno really whether he got that picture...

although he tried to impress upon me that he wasn't feeling any disappointment or sadness after wad i confessed, i undoubtingly felt he had become a sudden quiet n distant figure... shit i sldn't have told him anything... me n my mouth

i digress with that... reporting that the movie i caught today after my lecture session is a total waste of money n a SUCKIT! project.... here's all warning u guys.. dun ever go catch "2046" which may seem superbly/excitingly vivid futuristic version of the "matrix" but doesn't make a single sense in the plot nor does it have a single excitement in the entire 3 hours i sat there STONING!

i'll hope that our friendship still prevails... i may not ever find a friend like him who can cheer u up whereever n whenever u r in a pretty bad shape...

Di yi chi