he exists - on the other side of my cellphone

A long time ago, unwitty me sought so badly to chance upon ill-fated senerios, expecting pessismistic scenes to flash across my eyes (red-handedly) - to catch the One that i love in the arms of some other girl, or flirt or jostle maniac-some acts of unfaithfulness.

i was grossly putting myself in the hands and beliefs of "some day i will find out... and i know i'll find out now".

However present circumstances has overturned, overthrowed and overtaken particularly as one is nurtured into the more drastically oblonged society - i become afraid, frightened at all cost.

no longer wanting to preview his behaviour alongst other women-folks, i avoid, detour away from any situations that i might so happen to bump into him, with his arms around another - i know i won't be strong enough to face that scenes.

Sometimes I get silly notions like this: an urge to do something, to be something, while I imagine myself, wrinkled grey and old with age, a couple of decades from now, saying, "In those days I..."

And it would be something truly spectacular, something the next generation would marvel at, wishing for their youth to be as glorious and dramatic as mine.

once a long time ago, in a moment of quiet exasperation, I emptied the inbox of my cellphone. I sighed briefly, and wondered what my intentions had been, saving those messages that I knew I could never bring myself to read even a second time.

It's almost as if I had known all along, that I would never be able to look at those words he'd typed, and convince myself of the truth in what he had felt for me.

-> "i love u too"
-> "baby i will always love u mah... good night... sleep tight =)"

then i'll delete his number - in a matter of unconditional will, i wanted to stop myself from the easy access to ring or text him up. but i was never successful in that attempt to severe communications...

so his number is back in my cellphone, as always, the first one under the "T" category. now, there is such an ease, such a convenience, allocating his name out of my phonebook's list - where i had even taken a secret photograph of him lying on his bed, snuggling up against his bolster, eyes closed, looking almost as serene as a sleeping infant.

Every morning ever since so long ago, I'll open my eyes, lie still and feel the slumber slip away from my body. And if I'm lucky, he'll not the first thing that comes to my mind, though it hasn't happened so far, so long, since then.

he was always the first and the last thing on my mind.