doubtful....am not?

weird... i feel absurdly uncomfortable all over. we had a quarrel yest but i drop by today and we made-up. petty quarrels often occur b/t us. big deal.

problem was both of us have our own friends whom we bitch abt our dilemmas in our relationships. probably its our own comfort zone that we ought to have. self-understood.

But when his friend whom he shared his tots with last nite (a ger) called at the time when i was ard him (in his house catching tv together)to ask whether he had done a favour for her (job-related) and he replied he was with me & will check it up much later.

story doesn't end there. tell me i'm not hallucinating. she used a starhub free sms service, with the name (angry) to send him a text "bluff me. i'm very angry" ; "u bluff me. u say u not gg to meet her anymore. watever"

**i didn't bother i see the rest she sent after that ... will i wish to see?? no... that kinda smses hits me like a sharp dagger at my heart**

how sld i feel towards it?? he explained that he had juz a normal short conversation with her yest... contemplating a break-up in the heat of the moment... and she adviced him that if there is no future b/t us end it quick.

why do i feel she is expecting more from our relationship's pitfall den that her role is -- as an advicer? i'll be lying to say that i'm okay. after all that, he had went outside of the house in the corridor to attempt a call to her. i didn't probe no more. becoz if truth will immerse one day, no amount of hunting or questioning will bring it forth that moment. so i laid back and stayed in the backgrd not wishing to interupt his conversation.

minutes later, i ventured out. den i juz stood by him. silent as a hawk. but my heart didn't contain any anger nor jealousy. rather it spelled a bleak weakness in my stance, it was that one moment i felt vulnerable, uneasy, almost unnerved.

lots of question popped into my head as he explained that the call was answered by her mother who said she wasn't there. was it really her mother or did he talk it out wif her and yet scared to admit? why was she so angry? with the benefit of the doubt there, i suppose i can label her as childish and naive to believe that one phone call wif him last nite would deem that he & her were an item? not true. she was the same age as me.. and she had boyfriends (she wanted to referred to as an SPG so u get the hint there).

i am scared to doubt his explanation that he was neva neva unfaithful. my trust in him is on shaky waters. every word he says, ever swear & promise to me is being comprehended as FACT OR FICTION . that he neva stepping out of the boundary of committment. that he neva allowed any signs of affections to happen between him n another.

but her anger and outraged blown right at his face stunned me. no woman no matter how young or old will have the guts to declare anger at him if there was nothing -- no sparks. i for sure wouldn't sprout such anger n resentment (obviously jealousy-based) at any guy whom i had adviced on with his relationship problems. i'll even be happy for him that they had reconciled.

Much less to say, i'm frightened out of my wits. one part of me believes in his strong-willed committment and good spouse status, but the other lies with that ger. knowing my own gender's temprements, thoughts, ideas, experiences with love, i'm scared to admit that i do feel there was a connection going-on... that i finally trode upon. my hands are shaking, my heart is all bent in different directions. i feel sick by such thoughts i have no idea how deep my sleep will be tonight.

i'd rather he come forth and tell me the truth. that he has another and wants more with her. that kinda heart-break is much lesser then seeing ur one man cheating on u, yet trying to play hide-n-seek with ur mind.

i don't wan to outrightly quizzed it on him. afterall i felt his guilt and fear when he was outside trying to call her up. his forehead was sweating, his eyes spelled trauma and nervousness, his shoulders slightly tensed and his face was ashened... almost looking regretful.

tell me how sld i feel. wad sld i believe? my doubts are clouded by my attempts to trust him whole-heartedly.