do u believe in the supernatural force?
yesterday i made my maiden voyage to the
Goddess of Mercy temple at bugis, a little apprehensive, yet a little eager. the crowd was aplenty, many kneeling inside the temple, eyes closed and concentration on praying - perhaps like all other religion practices.
i have come to a point where i am open to any religion of any acts. but i still do not worship idols. i pray to an imaginary image which does not exist, God/s who i know in my heart but cannot see before me. not golden encasted figurines nor marble man-made statues, these excessive display of fine artsworks and mastermind's skills adorned with gems and gold - most importantly,
pray without the works of impressions.
so there i was burning the
joss-sticks, allowing my inner heart's wishes, hopes, dreams to wash over me, whilst many others were beside me doing the same thing. the smoke of incense was heavy, it made my eyes water alot. but these minor turn-offs were mild misgivings for me.
i was there becoz i wanted to. perhaps a little fate and destiny played a part in it too.
after sticking the joss-sticks into the big golden cauldron, which i witnessed many rubbing their palms on it - in an act to obtain more or welcoming the God's presence, many praying for wealth to be bestowed upon them, health etc, i ventured into the large premises of the temple. there was a very large red carpet in the middle of it, where many knelt in the midst of practising the act of "
chou qian".
when my turn came, kneeling and gently shaking the tin filled with wooden sticks that were numbered, i repeatedly requested, prayed, honoured, the God to allow me some form of journey to embark on, for my desires and hopes to come true, asking directly "
what do i have to do in order to make it come true?", to slowly enable the one to return perhaps.
a stick fell out of the metal tin. taking the interpretation from a man who sits in a counter beside there, i read the thin pink slip, which was not a very desired one. mind blank and very loss for words, i stepped out of the temple, trying very hard not to reveal in any form of a
SHOCKED facial expression to the masses there.
but something pretty amazing occured immediately. i would very much like to give credit to
Guan Ying for it. earlier on before i had went there, i had called him to ask if he was interested in catching a movie - say in town. as most would guess, the request was unpermittive, negative and direct, he had wanted to stay at home to rest. period.
incredible, remarkable, astonishment? just minutes after stepping under the scorching hot sun, he called. he said something which i had a hard time believing it was ringing in my ears "
ok go watch the movie, but later timing coz i've to go citibank first".
Eh, stunned like lightning had strucked me. "huh i thought u say don't want already?"
for a minute, i held my breathe listening to his explanation for his call.
then inside me, like
an internal battle war going on - words sprung up almost instantaneously, "
why? how? what? HOW COME? OMG? am i dreaming?"---------------------------------------------------------------
some would say "why the big fuss? its just a fone call with a changed decision"
firstly,
he doesn't call me at all. Zerosecondly,
he doesn't change his mind when he made up his mind on certain stuffs.
thirdly,
it was such a big coincidence he had to go to the bank that day.forthly,
he could go to the bank (which was in town) but he doesn't necessarily have to meet me thereafter to catch the movie.
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the movie - the pacifier. humourous, attention-grabbing show.
entertaining.
circumstantial forces of nature or supernatural? we popped over
chinablack after that. cheap drinks, heart-to-heart chatters, somehow there were moments that brought me back to the pasts - the similar way we used to yak away.
the laughter, the jokes, the exchange of ideas and previous stories of our seperated life.
God, i love him. he didn't have his guard up against me much last nite, it made me really happy just to see him and hear his voice in my ears.
we sat there at the bar, probably the longest sitting, idling and gossiping pair that nite, till his bum ached with sitting too long. when we left - it was already 4am++. yet i didn't have the "
boredom" feeling that nite, which was insane, considering how a
figid i was.
i wasn't aching to move far away from him - towards the dance floor nor towards any other friends - which i saw quite alot that nite (
i feigned nonchanlancy and ignorance), though there were the few who did come up at our seats to exchange a friendly conversation after so darn long.
time flies.
leaving him and bidding farewell was the hardest thing i ever needed or did. somehow i felt that a simple "
goodbye" wasn't right, i had this feeling i wasn't about to ever meet him nor see him again for a very long time.
instinctual.
i hugged him tight, feeling his warmth against me for the many minutes i clung onto him, his neck close to mine,
his heartbeat - i listened silent and satisfied.
"
why u hug so long ahhh?" he had stopped his part of the hug, hands not around me patting the small of my back as he always does in a hug. But he didn't push me away at all, comforting thoughts that he was letting me have my way,
letting me to bask in the minutes of temporary happiness.
i miss him.-
silence- from my part, just allowing the moment to occur as it had already been undergo-ing. to halt at the moment (when i could do it) as my mind tells me "
stop hugging him! he already stopped! too long too long!!", would mean i was level-headed, not honest with myself, allowing myself to bow before ill-fate or being too passive in that situation.
i hung onto him for the longest minutes... till my mind stopped picturing his smile, imagining our once happy every after.
i turned my head slightly and kissed his neck - like i always did.
he was amazingly nice that night. which puzzled me alot.
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ever had a moment when u reach out to touch a
glass window, where outside was drizzling raindrops that would collade and a-join together into larger droplets, then trickling down the
window sill...
ur fingers beside the raindrops...
just able to see it yet not able to feel the dampness against the bare skin of yours...
that is my plight now, with him.
able to see, but unable to really feel and withold.
