dreams of an older me

stirred & awoken, dressed and popped over (un-notified) bought lunch for him, caught him by surprise - he took it with gratitude. i love to see his fresh yet sleepy look on his face every time he wakes up... something that charms...

i sat beside him pubbing tonite... feeling his distant warmth of his body against the bare skin of my forearm. intense. urges to reach n lie on his broad shoulders, urges to hug him suddenly.

i only gone so far as to let my fingers walk on his desirable back... fearing he'll be mortified if i gone any further.

i miss the past where i could be close to him fuss-free... from simple caresses to the tender bear hugs.

then out of the blue, halting from the emotions, memories of the past that were then flooding into my mind (after spending almost the whole day n night in his companionship) started to cease and turn grey.

instead, i started recoursing what everything would probably turned out if i was an older woman, a much mature & wiser lady, one with elegance and sophistication. that thought kept me tru' the whole night's accessories - beer, cigerettes, pool and karaoke.

What would i give to turn back time?

i hate regrets yet dwindle on them.

perhaps all the mis-handling of affairs, all the petty arguments, all the streaks of purple & blues, of red and green, and of the temperatures hot or cold, would be deemed passe and inadequate if i was older...wiser...calmer...guarded...conniving...

then he would love me more then what he did in the past... because i was a mature adult not a tempremental child that he has to oversee, protect and educated on how to be rational and likeable.

then everything that occurred after that would seem devastatingly impossible... there wouldn't be a break-up, bitter painful seperation, there wouldn't be any distance at all between us.

why didn't i realise that earlier and grow inwardly into a more beautiful me?

i sat there on the couch, he lingered near discussing business agreements with his o'pal that had popped by... everything felt as if it were like the past... i sat there beside him, like a tamed cat waiting patiently, quietly sipping my drinks, dragging in my smoke, like we were before - a couple.

then there were periods he adjoined at the bar with an individual pal of his, where i could sit in a dilated-mode, eyes unfocused as my concentration got twisted around till my vision became a mist (try unfocusing ur eyesight and linger ur thoughts on deep issues to experience what i felt), my mind filled with thoughts of "what if".

as if deja vu wasn't bad enough, that moment felt like something out of a matrix film where reality hits the imaginary on cue.

i reached for his memo book - with all its neat calendars and his own artwork schedules, of idealistic plannings on his business strategy and timings, and flipped it awkwardly to the different dates that meant something remarkably unique in my whole twenty something life. taking a breather in between each dates, i penned in it, what my heart really wanted and yearned for... him.

when we left, my mind continued to spin around the provocative thought of wanting to hold his hand... believing that what i felt in that dimly lit secluded pub was something he had felt too... well apparently not.

sat in the public train (left and disappeared right after he tugged his hand away from my grasps in desperate annoyance and disbelief of that very action i performed earlier) - which used to be a norm in the past but is contradictorily different now?

i was broken to bits.

tears welled up in my eyes, threatening to smug my mascara though it was waterproof, i tilted my face towards the door, avoiding eye contacts with the other passengers, my body unnervingly bold and ignorant to public scrutiny as i felt tears roll down my cheeks, never-ending tears that i had to, time-n-again, quietly wipe from my shivering chin.

but i sobbed in solace, i wept my real ME out because it was afterall a very hard long day... of pretending & feigning optimism in front of him.

in that train's cabin, my real self surfaced somehow, tears of silent torment felt and of the resilient love i have for him. its painful to love yet see an empty bag of emotions in front of u that the person possesses.

i bought him a wallet for Prosperity in the months and years ahead. we chinese folks believe, parting with a significant resemblance of money - a wallet, meant giving your wealth up to the other person, which was seen as a silly act.

i wish for his happiness, in aspects of monetarily affairs, taking a gamble on that superstition.

a gift for a special date each month (8th of every month) - in my foresight and utterly silly leap of faith.