suicide

i seriously do not know what the fuck i'm getting myself into.

i'm delusional now, in a paradise of my own. wishing, hoping & dreaming of some miracle to happen or is it?

spoke to J last night, she depicted alot of experiences during her long talk with me that opened up my mind into envisioning things that are supposedly much broader then the world around you.

we go by our senses and our demands, presumbly wanting everything to fall into our footsteps as and just as we like it to be. but situational events in any coincidental issue, do not happen as expected, nor does it work out as we love it to be.

J was right. you can neva fully understand the other unless u put urself in their shoes. but how do u even try to step into the shoes of the other party when everything in your mind is clouded with hurt, fogged up by the tremendous pain and drastic big black hole in your life?

less of a man is a woman. a woman's inclination is the strongest the most powerful tool that she witholds against a man's abled might and force. perhaps this is how God made men and women - possessing their each of his/her own abilities, to be strong is different fields, that when compromised alongside each other, would empower mankind into the strongest creature that would rule the world.

yes i'm living in a realm of denial and hopelessness. don't try to persuade me or give any advices on how i am suppose to pull through this pithole. too useless and weak, how can i be sure that i don't work out another suicidal attempt or follow-up with my present habitual nightlife occurances?

which form of dying is the fastest and least painful?

judgement day on feb 14. much of it i've already anticipated. the rejection. the deep sharp pain stabbin my heart. the seconds freezing as if the world had stop revolving for that minute.

drama?
its what is going in my head.
its as real as i can put it down in words here.

will i gain back whatever i lost - remembering that the lost will forever kill my will to survive?
will i reap what i once sowed - already regretting every action i once did?
will i face the horrible truth and fact right smacked into my face and not dwindle or sway from another public display of tragic emotional breakdown?

he's cold and distant towards me in public & around friends.
yet he's the old person i once knew in private, at home or when we're conversing.

maybe J is right. men do lead a double life. even with marriage and a fortunate family, men do tend to play. for as long as they live, they'll play. And women will always have to deal with the fact that "they know yet they'll have to act blur".

what's the point in life?
where does the achievements, success, short-term happiness takes you in the end?

nothing but an empty deep well.

so with fingers crossed, with all the happy thoughts in my head that is what remains of my last sprint towards the end of the finish line, i'm replaying the likelihood of events that will occur till that very last minute it happens. imaginative? or plain obsessed?

kowtowing to whoever in control, yielding the power over my fate. a little help over here? without it, without a "yes" on that fateful day would mean condemnation in Hell for missy me. period.