To cement in Sheena Sherry Tan memory; a facebook account has been set up under name of Sheena Tan ; http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000628918732
- fRa^ ' Dec 2010

Who are you??

 

When I ask people the question "Who are you?" i'm usually greeted with silence. People are not sure; in fact, some have never even stopped to think about it.

can u imagine living all your life without knowing who you really are?

Once people recover from the initial surprise of the question they respond with all kinds of definitions, most of which are based on their character or abilities.

"I'm Sherry, I'm a student, I'm a teenager, I'm artistic, creative and am emotional being, I like helping others and i appreciate the minor things in life, like how the wind blows and rustles the dried golden-brown leaves, making them fall onto the green grass below in the most gentle way"

Would you agree that who you are is a collection of your experiences, memories, thoughts, feelings and beliefs?

most people tend to agree with that.

Let's examine this deeper. Are we our experiences and memories or are these only events that we have encountered no more?

Are we our thoughts?
 

If you answered "yes", then let me ask you this: Can we change a thought? Of couse we can.

so who then is changing the thought? Is there someone "bigger" then the thoughts who can change them if he or she wishes to?

the thought cannot change itself, the same way a book cannot turn its own pages, or a car cannot start its own engine.

So who inside can do it? You may say: "i do. i can change my thought."

so in that case, you are not your thoughts, are you??

are you your feelings? As with thoughts, you can say that you have feelings but not that you are them. And what about beliefs? are you your belief system?

Many assume that they are, but we need to use that same rationale: we can change or update a belief or an attitude. It may be hard to do, but it can be done. You may have beliefs and attitudes but you are not them, wouldn't you agree?

In that case, who is this person who is having thoughts, memories, feelings and beliefs?  
You may say it's the Personality.

Many psychologist would agree with that, but who was there before you developed a personality? who is the entity who has the personality?

You may answer again "i do." In that case, who are you?

we are back to square one, but at least we know, at this point, who we are not.

We are not, at least not totally, our thoughts, feelings or personalities.

the world "person" comes from the Latin word "persona" which means a mask. Indeed, people wear all kinds of masks that enable them to play all kinds of dramas.
 

But even if you wear a thousand different masks, there is a face behind the mask. i call it Coreself.

we present many selves including...
the self that we would like others to think we are,
the self that we actually think we are,
the self we are afraid we are,
and then of course, the core essence that we really are.

When you take off the masks, you find the true face of who you are.

In his famous statement, Descartes declared, "i think, therefore, i am."

From a spiritual perspective, the more appropriate statement would be - I think, therefore i Think i am.

Who we think we are is nothing but a bunch of thoughts! who we really are i beyond thought.
 

try this awareness exercise for a moment:
take a few deep breaths in, suspend all thoughts, perceptions and feelings? Who remains after you pushed away everything? our Coreself is indeed the spiritual essence that we are really made of.

below our egos and excessive mental processing it lies waiting for us to discover it. When we learn to recognise it and deepen our awareness of it, good things will happen - automatically, without the need for goals or use of will-power.

we are then in-sync with who we truly are. therefore, to be more of who we are, we have to reduce our pre-occupation with thoughts and feelings and become more aware of our surroundings, without critizising, judging, blaming and complaining.

To live life more fully, a life that is purposeful, we first need to know who we are and make choies based on this inner wisdom. Then, we can begin to experience a strong sense of freedom, joy and inner peace.

now... take a deep breath in, exhale slowly, suspend all mental processing for awhile... Who are you??

"surely, we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, but spiritual beings having a human experience." Pierre Teilhard De Chardin

i have split personality?!

my guardian angel told me i'm two different person in one body 
... is that possible? my dad told me i'm almost considered with schizophrenia... and one stranger today told me i might go mad one day...

this is the precise dictionary explanation for that huge jumbo word:
1) Any of a group of psychotic disorders usually characterized by withdrawal from reality, illogical patterns of thinking, delusions, and hallucinations, and accompanied in varying degrees by other emotional, behavioral, or intellectual disturbances. Schizophrenia is associated with dopamine imbalances in the brain and defects of the frontal lobe and is caused by genetic, other biological, and psychosocial factors.

2) A situation or condition that results from the coexistence of disparate or antagonistic qualities, identities, or activities: the national schizophrenia that results from carrying out an unpopular war.

3) A psychotic disorder characterized by loss of contact with the environment, by noticeable deterioration in the level of functioning in everyday life, and by disintegration of personality expressed as disorder of feeling, thought (as in hallucinations and delusions), and conduct called also dementia praecox

So in other words, i'm mad??
 

Few days back, my other personality surfaced, which i didn't even know of. my guardian angel said that i was totally a different being altogether, acting and behaving so drastically, almost the opposite of my usual self. then i switch almost instantaneously, back to my old me... and i couldn't remember much of what had happened earlier then when my "other half" took over, even with my guardian angel reminding me what happened earlier on.

i just totally didn't know.

guardian angel told me that my other split personality almost appeared evil... like a devil in me, contrasting to the happy-go-lucky and positive-thinking usual self i was... i am questioning myself for my evil half's existance too...

i guess this is something inside of me that i have to conquer and control... to rid of its "taking over" of my body... especially when i'm outwardly becoming depressed... i got a feeling it is when "she" comes out.

deja vu happened today... on 2 occasions over 2 simple phrases:
"guardian angel" & "will become mad one day"
what is so remarkably mind-blowing is the fact that it is said from 2 individuals that didn't communicate between themselves at all, but within the very few minutes i changed locations (from dinner in town, then coffee with another at gardens) these 2 phrases popped out almost as if some invisible spiritual being was instigating them.

yes, i agree to both of that phrases. i won't go into details about both of them becoz this is a public domain and i surely must keep some private issues of my life within my knowledge only.

i'm blessed to have met with help in improving and helping me cope and change and alter my ill-fated circumstantial plight... i believe i can become a solely "single personality trait" being, controlling and getting rid of the other "Her" inside of me, which often causes alot of people hurt and distress.
 

i know "Her" and i really hate "Her"... but what more can i do to kill "Her"??

It doesn't make any sense at all

It's like I can never be good enough.

Am i insignificant to You, as you always make me feel?

Sometimes I look forward to a certain something so much, I wish it didn't happen when it finally does. I don't know how to react - what to do, what to say, what to feel. Or what I'm expected to. And then I'm stuck in the drowning confusion of reacting how I want to, or how I'm expected to. Somehow the better option never wins.

It doesn't make any sense.

I hate the way I try so hard not to try too hard. I hate the way I don't allow myself happiness from you.

I hate the way my mind tells me I have to be indifferent, yet be able to express subtle fondness. I hate the fact that I can't give anything away in my gestures, my smiles, my words, yet be able to bring the ambiguity between us across. But no one ever told me I had to.

It amazes me, the way I can conclude, in paranoia, your many emotions through a single sentence, or a mere expression, and then convince myself a woman's sixth sense can never go wrong. All the time you could be having a completely different thought, or thinking about nothing at all.

Sometimes I wish I could rid you of your stubborness, yet I know I can never fall for anyone who's not the way you are.

Sometimes I wish I understood you, and sometimes I wish I won't ever.
 

Under the softly lit sky
I listen to the radio spin the solitary melody.
Distantly familiar, and then I remember
The same notes that were played
On the CD player sitting strategically on your wooden shelf
When I first looked into your eyes.
In your beautiful handsome attire
And my favourite pink outfit which u hated,
I can't see where we're going.
But at least we're on this road together,
The only wish and dream I hold within.

I slide my hand into yours
Hoping somehow,
It'll ease the agony of my sin.
But You jerk it off carelessly
What was once starry-eyed innocence,
Now paints betrayal on my lips.

Where's tomorrow, what's tomorrow?
I almost asked.
But that,
Would have shattered the peaceful silence
Of our painless, deliberate ignorance.

I lay my head on your shoulder
Looking into the distance,
Wondering what's the price to pay.
With only love at my fingertips,
I slowly breathe in the melancholy
You wish you could take away from me...

My pain.

It's like an open secret no one talks about.

Just don't treat me like I'm something that happened to you.

A poem


i want to memorise the lines of your smile
and curves of your shoulder, the left one,
how it holds my face and the
weight of regret.


i want to write onto paper the sound of your voice
telling me about your yesterday and
how it would be the last without
the mention of my name.



i want to save in my hands the speed of your walk,
and how we took turns
to catch up, slow down, slipping into
a common pace.



i want to show you that place in my heart
where moments are folded and kept;
i want to remember you this way, dear one,
before we let go
and forget.



(It happens at night, when all you hear is silence, save for the occasional car that drives by.) It happens when you're not protected by the activity of day and your mind finds no distraction; that's when he comes back.


You know it's your fault that this time he's more than words and memories. You don't even make yourself forget that look in his eyes or the touch of his fingers on your hand. The way he cracks the rare joke just to make you laugh, or how he remembers the silly story you told him two years ago. You know it's your fault that you let these things get to you, let them matter.


It only happens at night. The next day you're okay, it doesn't seem that bad anymore. You can't recall the tears or heartache, and you laugh at yourself for making a big deal. You slip right back into who you know yourself to be and you're genuinely happy. You don't believe, not really, that when night comes, it'll happen all over again.)

Hopes in us will rise and fall, rise and fall.

It becomes unbearable when you enter not by thought or by sight, yet still be able to plant an inextirpable presence right there in the midst of everything. I hold back from searching within the crowd because I know, I know it really isn't even you at all.

This redolence blows up in my face, pulls out a random memory that tells me again and again that I was wrong to have gotten used to it; I shouldn't have gone to sleep with your scent.

Something Hilarious

http://media2.big-boys.com/files/torn.wmv

tickles the funny bone out of me, makes my day!

privacy - i never owned

let me reiterate my point where i left off from the previous post...

privacy is something i never possessed in my whole entire life. in my family, there are subsequent lockers and cabinets for each individual, except me, to place their personal belongings - their secrets.

my only locker cabinet which i owned years back when i was still a teenager, was apparently broken into by my mother. forcefully, till now its just an ajar wooden door, open and deserted.

all my life i never experienced the factor of self-reclusion. the only thing that i could really keep to my own was the things that were in my mind. yet being an expressive individual, i find it very hard to contain my thoughts and actions inwardly.

its such an annoyance, having my mother barge into my room EVERY SINGLE MORNING, as i'm deep in my sleep - years of such acts of avid rudeness from her part has caused me to become a very light sleeper. the retaliation and protective process.

yet every morning as she rummages through ALL my belongings, my things, my every single piece of evidence of the previous day's activities, i have never felt the slightest bit of actual real love on her part.

deem her actions as an outrightly natural process of the protective form, but she doesn't give me the single bit of Humane respect one deserves. its simply torturing.

i'm 20... i deserve my own space, my own rights... for the many previous years of protective care and concern she has showered on me, i am very thankful... however so, being brought up in such an enclose sheltered home doesn't necessarily mean it is a good thing altogether.

one sees and learns things much slower, less of the interaction with the outside world, they grow up to be self-centered, repressive and down-right childish.

sometimes i envy those who come from broken problematic families - their's was a life which enabled them to be whoever they desire, choose which path they like to walk on, without the hassle of somebody else enforcing their reasons and preferences upon every decision u make.

every notch and rat-hole, inspected and observed.
every hour every minute, calls from her cellphone to check on me.
every new clothing, new ornaments, new trash, questioned and demanded by her for a reason in their existence within my possession.

in responds to her never-ending questioning, i have learnt from years of dire state of unrests to cheat, lie and bluff my way out of the truthful circumstances... to hide from her perhaps who and where i was at, and what i was doing at the moment...why put up with more of her questionings (like i was a criminal) when i could easily shrug off her illicit demands of answers with a very good lie?

but she hasn't stopped there, after my intentionally good lies i could easily warped up like a story-teller, she'll continue abusing her position as a care-giver into an authoritarian and disciplinarian - hunt down and call all my friends who confirm where i was, and whether i was with them as i said i was before... to get them to pass the phone to be so that she could hear my voice over the cellphone that very minute.

isn't all these a rather impolite and crude way of invading whatever life and freedom i have? when will she ever stop her nonsense and just let me be, leave me alone and stop with the wreaking of my already chaotic life?

when can she just let go?

it reaches the stage where i can't seem to swim towards the surface of the tranquil waters i'm submerged into. i can't breathe in it at all.

day and night, it becomes such a big torment to stay in the house that i've the nit-picking urge to get out of its enclosed walls, this constant ringing of questions upon questions that comes out of her mouth. i just want to escape this horrible trash-hole.

i never did hold onto something and officially label it as mine.
every boy who came and left my life - scrutinized and picked-on by her,
every friend who i befriended - name-called and defamed by her rude remarks, telling me to be careful and judge them wisely, that none of them are good people.

is this why i am who i am today? the character in me that is trying so hard to surface below the murkiness of the dark waters i've been suffocating in.

who will take pity in a soul like mine, on the outside - a happy and wholesome family, but deep within it is the constant tidal waves arising, of conflicts, distrusts and suspicions.

my life is bitter... never as sweet as i try so hard to portray to others. can u understand me alot better now?