isolated hideout

2010-12-21T10:00:00.003+08:00

To cement in Sheena Sherry Tan memory; a facebook account has been set up under name of Sheena Tan ; http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000628918732
- fRa^ ' Dec 2010

Who are you??

2005-05-04T02:49:00.000+08:00

When I ask people the question "Who are you?" i'm usually greeted with silence. People are not sure; in fact, some have never even stopped to think about it.

can u imagine living all your life without knowing who you really are?

Once people recover from the initial surprise of the question they respond with all kinds of definitions, most of which are based on their character or abilities.

"I'm Sherry, I'm a student, I'm a teenager, I'm artistic, creative and am emotional being, I like helping others and i appreciate the minor things in life, like how the wind blows and rustles the dried golden-brown leaves, making them fall onto the green grass below in the most gentle way"

Would you agree that who you are is a collection of your experiences, memories, thoughts, feelings and beliefs?

most people tend to agree with that.

Let's examine this deeper. Are we our experiences and memories or are these only events that we have encountered no more?

Are we our thoughts?

If you answered "yes", then let me ask you this: Can we change a thought? Of couse we can.

so who then is changing the thought? Is there someone "bigger" then the thoughts who can change them if he or she wishes to?

the thought cannot change itself, the same way a book cannot turn its own pages, or a car cannot start its own engine.

So who inside can do it? You may say: "i do. i can change my thought."

so in that case, you are not your thoughts, are you??

are you your feelings? As with thoughts, you can say that you have feelings but not that you are them. And what about beliefs? are you your belief system?

Many assume that they are, but we need to use that same rationale: we can change or update a belief or an attitude. It may be hard to do, but it can be done. You may have beliefs and attitudes but you are not them, wouldn't you agree?

In that case, who is this person who is having thoughts, memories, feelings and beliefs?
You may say it's the Personality.

Many psychologist would agree with that, but who was there before you developed a personality? who is the entity who has the personality?

You may answer again "i do." In that case, who are you?

we are back to square one, but at least we know, at this point, who we are not.

We are not, at least not totally, our thoughts, feelings or personalities.

the world "person" comes from the Latin word "persona" which means a mask. Indeed, people wear all kinds of masks that enable them to play all kinds of dramas.

But even if you wear a thousand different masks, there is a face behind the mask. i call it Coreself.

we present many selves including...
the self that we would like others to think we are,
the self that we actually think we are,
the self we are afraid we are,
and then of course, the core essence that we really are.

When you take off the masks, you find the true face of who you are.

In his famous statement, Descartes declared, "i think, therefore, i am."

From a spiritual perspective, the more appropriate statement would be - I think, therefore i Think i am.

Who we think we are is nothing but a bunch of thoughts! who we really are i beyond thought.

try this awareness exercise for a moment:
take a few deep breaths in, suspend all thoughts, perceptions and feelings? Who remains after you pushed away everything? our Coreself is indeed the spiritual essence that we are really made of.

below our egos and excessive mental processing it lies waiting for us to discover it. When we learn to recognise it and deepen our awareness of it, good things will happen - automatically, without the need for goals or use of will-power.

we are then in-sync with who we truly are. therefore, to be more of who we are, we have to reduce our pre-occupation with thoughts and feelings and become more aware of our surroundings, without critizising, judging, blaming and complaining.

To live life more fully, a life that is purposeful, we first need to know who we are and make choies based on this inner wisdom. Then, we can begin to experience a strong sense of freedom, joy and inner peace.

now... take a deep breath in, exhale slowly, suspend all mental processing for awhile... Who are you??

"surely, we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, but spiritual beings having a human experience." Pierre Teilhard De Chardin

i have split personality?!

2005-05-03T01:27:00.000+08:00

my guardian angel told me i'm two different person in one body
... is that possible? my dad told me i'm almost considered with schizophrenia... and one stranger today told me i might go mad one day...

this is the precise dictionary explanation for that huge jumbo word:
1) Any of a group of psychotic disorders usually characterized by withdrawal from reality, illogical patterns of thinking, delusions, and hallucinations, and accompanied in varying degrees by other emotional, behavioral, or intellectual disturbances. Schizophrenia is associated with dopamine imbalances in the brain and defects of the frontal lobe and is caused by genetic, other biological, and psychosocial factors.

2) A situation or condition that results from the coexistence of disparate or antagonistic qualities, identities, or activities: the national schizophrenia that results from carrying out an unpopular war.

3) A psychotic disorder characterized by loss of contact with the environment, by noticeable deterioration in the level of functioning in everyday life, and by disintegration of personality expressed as disorder of feeling, thought (as in hallucinations and delusions), and conduct called also dementia praecox

So in other words, i'm mad??

Few days back, my other personality surfaced, which i didn't even know of. my guardian angel said that i was totally a different being altogether, acting and behaving so drastically, almost the opposite of my usual self. then i switch almost instantaneously, back to my old me... and i couldn't remember much of what had happened earlier then when my "other half" took over, even with my guardian angel reminding me what happened earlier on.

i just totally didn't know.

guardian angel told me that my other split personality almost appeared evil... like a devil in me, contrasting to the happy-go-lucky and positive-thinking usual self i was... i am questioning myself for my evil half's existance too...

i guess this is something inside of me that i have to conquer and control... to rid of its "taking over" of my body... especially when i'm outwardly becoming depressed... i got a feeling it is when "she" comes out.

deja vu happened today... on 2 occasions over 2 simple phrases:
"guardian angel" & "will become mad one day"
what is so remarkably mind-blowing is the fact that it is said from 2 individuals that didn't communicate between themselves at all, but within the very few minutes i changed locations (from dinner in town, then coffee with another at gardens) these 2 phrases popped out almost as if some invisible spiritual being was instigating them.

yes, i agree to both of that phrases. i won't go into details about both of them becoz this is a public domain and i surely must keep some private issues of my life within my knowledge only.

i'm blessed to have met with help in improving and helping me cope and change and alter my ill-fated circumstantial plight... i believe i can become a solely "single personality trait" being, controlling and getting rid of the other "Her" inside of me, which often causes alot of people hurt and distress.

i know "Her" and i really hate "Her"... but what more can i do to kill "Her"??

It doesn't make any sense at all

2005-05-02T03:18:00.000+08:00

It's like I can never be good enough.

Am i insignificant to You, as you always make me feel?

Sometimes I look forward to a certain something so much, I wish it didn't happen when it finally does. I don't know how to react - what to do, what to say, what to feel. Or what I'm expected to. And then I'm stuck in the drowning confusion of reacting how I want to, or how I'm expected to. Somehow the better option never wins.

It doesn't make any sense.

I hate the way I try so hard not to try too hard. I hate the way I don't allow myself happiness from you.

I hate the way my mind tells me I have to be indifferent, yet be able to express subtle fondness. I hate the fact that I can't give anything away in my gestures, my smiles, my words, yet be able to bring the ambiguity between us across. But no one ever told me I had to.

It amazes me, the way I can conclude, in paranoia, your many emotions through a single sentence, or a mere expression, and then convince myself a woman's sixth sense can never go wrong. All the time you could be having a completely different thought, or thinking about nothing at all.

Sometimes I wish I could rid you of your stubborness, yet I know I can never fall for anyone who's not the way you are.

Sometimes I wish I understood you, and sometimes I wish I won't ever.

Under the softly lit sky
I listen to the radio spin the solitary melody.
Distantly familiar, and then I remember
The same notes that were played
On the CD player sitting strategically on your wooden shelf
When I first looked into your eyes.
In your beautiful handsome attire
And my favourite pink outfit which u hated,
I can't see where we're going.
But at least we're on this road together,
The only wish and dream I hold within.

I slide my hand into yours
Hoping somehow,
It'll ease the agony of my sin.
But You jerk it off carelessly
What was once starry-eyed innocence,
Now paints betrayal on my lips.

Where's tomorrow, what's tomorrow?
I almost asked.
But that,
Would have shattered the peaceful silence
Of our painless, deliberate ignorance.

I lay my head on your shoulder
Looking into the distance,
Wondering what's the price to pay.
With only love at my fingertips,
I slowly breathe in the melancholy
You wish you could take away from me...

My pain.

It's like an open secret no one talks about.

2005-05-01T00:25:00.000+08:00

Just don't treat me like I'm something that happened to you.

A poem

i want to memorise the lines of your smile
and curves of your shoulder, the left one,
how it holds my face and the
weight of regret.

i want to write onto paper the sound of your voice
telling me about your yesterday and
how it would be the last without
the mention of my name.

i want to save in my hands the speed of your walk,
and how we took turns
to catch up, slow down, slipping into
a common pace.

i want to show you that place in my heart
where moments are folded and kept;
i want to remember you this way, dear one,
before we let go
and forget.

(It happens at night, when all you hear is silence, save for the occasional car that drives by.) It happens when you're not protected by the activity of day and your mind finds no distraction; that's when he comes back.

You know it's your fault that this time he's more than words and memories. You don't even make yourself forget that look in his eyes or the touch of his fingers on your hand. The way he cracks the rare joke just to make you laugh, or how he remembers the silly story you told him two years ago. You know it's your fault that you let these things get to you, let them matter.

It only happens at night. The next day you're okay, it doesn't seem that bad anymore. You can't recall the tears or heartache, and you laugh at yourself for making a big deal. You slip right back into who you know yourself to be and you're genuinely happy. You don't believe, not really, that when night comes, it'll happen all over again.)

Hopes in us will rise and fall, rise and fall.

It becomes unbearable when you enter not by thought or by sight, yet still be able to plant an inextirpable presence right there in the midst of everything. I hold back from searching within the crowd because I know, I know it really isn't even you at all.

This redolence blows up in my face, pulls out a random memory that tells me again and again that I was wrong to have gotten used to it; I shouldn't have gone to sleep with your scent.

Something Hilarious

2005-04-28T14:52:00.000+08:00

http://media2.big-boys.com/files/torn.wmv

tickles the funny bone out of me, makes my day!

privacy - i never owned

2005-04-27T15:07:00.000+08:00

let me reiterate my point where i left off from the previous post...

privacy is something i never possessed in my whole entire life. in my family, there are subsequent lockers and cabinets for each individual, except me, to place their personal belongings - their secrets.

my only locker cabinet which i owned years back when i was still a teenager, was apparently broken into by my mother. forcefully, till now its just an ajar wooden door, open and deserted.

all my life i never experienced the factor of self-reclusion. the only thing that i could really keep to my own was the things that were in my mind. yet being an expressive individual, i find it very hard to contain my thoughts and actions inwardly.

its such an annoyance, having my mother barge into my room EVERY SINGLE MORNING, as i'm deep in my sleep - years of such acts of avid rudeness from her part has caused me to become a very light sleeper. the retaliation and protective process.

yet every morning as she rummages through ALL my belongings, my things, my every single piece of evidence of the previous day's activities, i have never felt the slightest bit of actual real love on her part.

deem her actions as an outrightly natural process of the protective form, but she doesn't give me the single bit of Humane respect one deserves. its simply torturing.

i'm 20... i deserve my own space, my own rights... for the many previous years of protective care and concern she has showered on me, i am very thankful... however so, being brought up in such an enclose sheltered home doesn't necessarily mean it is a good thing altogether.

one sees and learns things much slower, less of the interaction with the outside world, they grow up to be self-centered, repressive and down-right childish.

sometimes i envy those who come from broken problematic families - their's was a life which enabled them to be whoever they desire, choose which path they like to walk on, without the hassle of somebody else enforcing their reasons and preferences upon every decision u make.

every notch and rat-hole, inspected and observed.
every hour every minute, calls from her cellphone to check on me.
every new clothing, new ornaments, new trash, questioned and demanded by her for a reason in their existence within my possession.

in responds to her never-ending questioning, i have learnt from years of dire state of unrests to cheat, lie and bluff my way out of the truthful circumstances... to hide from her perhaps who and where i was at, and what i was doing at the moment...why put up with more of her questionings (like i was a criminal) when i could easily shrug off her illicit demands of answers with a very good lie?

but she hasn't stopped there, after my intentionally good lies i could easily warped up like a story-teller, she'll continue abusing her position as a care-giver into an authoritarian and disciplinarian - hunt down and call all my friends who confirm where i was, and whether i was with them as i said i was before... to get them to pass the phone to be so that she could hear my voice over the cellphone that very minute.

isn't all these a rather impolite and crude way of invading whatever life and freedom i have? when will she ever stop her nonsense and just let me be, leave me alone and stop with the wreaking of my already chaotic life?

when can she just let go?

it reaches the stage where i can't seem to swim towards the surface of the tranquil waters i'm submerged into. i can't breathe in it at all.

day and night, it becomes such a big torment to stay in the house that i've the nit-picking urge to get out of its enclosed walls, this constant ringing of questions upon questions that comes out of her mouth. i just want to escape this horrible trash-hole.

i never did hold onto something and officially label it as mine.
every boy who came and left my life - scrutinized and picked-on by her,
every friend who i befriended - name-called and defamed by her rude remarks, telling me to be careful and judge them wisely, that none of them are good people.

is this why i am who i am today? the character in me that is trying so hard to surface below the murkiness of the dark waters i've been suffocating in.

who will take pity in a soul like mine, on the outside - a happy and wholesome family, but deep within it is the constant tidal waves arising, of conflicts, distrusts and suspicions.

my life is bitter... never as sweet as i try so hard to portray to others. can u understand me alot better now?

i live on my own decisions

2005-04-26T20:08:00.000+08:00

what has your parents and friends got to do with your life's decision-making? NIL

How can each and everyone of them demand, persists and forcefully denounce me on the mission to embark - to give up on the One that i love, that there will be much more content being with others.

How can they?

What right do all of these folks have in trying to build my road for me? i choose my own journey, my own decisions, my own fate. that is part and parcel of the freedom of choice in my democratic life - don't mangle with it.

sometimes its so wrongfully obliging to listen to them... that isn't the way it works? they dun listen, they dun see, they dun feel any of the way my heart is beating and they dun bother...

like shakespeare's novels, they try so hard to make my life bitter. decisions on doing something, anything at all, choosing to fulfill my life, choosing the programmes and little itsy-bits of actions i wish to perform, all lies in my hands - what right do they have?

my parents - ideally they try so hard, defame the One that i love, talk big and demote him into a status none-so-glamourous.

they'll embark on the course of issuing remarks that only makes them ugly in my eyes... they hate him to the core, it plurges me of any respect i have for them - their words shooting straight at the core of my heart, hurting. do they even respect and acknowledge my feelings and emotions towards him?

none of the guys in the past which i've hooked up ever came close to any of their expectations. NONE. their ideals are so much enforced upon the rich-society, it certainly does enforce upon themselves as that of the materialistic money-face type.

Will, as they might, try so hard to get me to fall upon any of their ideal guy catergory, it kills the enthusiasm in me of any prospective marriage life in the later part of the years to come.

marry for money, wealth, comfort and a very stale boring life? where is the certain arena called affections?

self-conclusive: there is no one even close to their lists of expectations - which is probably even higher den the bachelor Prince William.

the list of things they so desperately seeking - christian, capable, successful, rich, car, fat CPF, Fat bank account, Tall, Handsome, Not too young but not too old too, Business-man, highly educated, good character, filial, etc etc.

the lists goes on and on. do they think so highly of their daughter? earth calling "HELLOO??" in layman's term - none of such guys EXISTS.

they cannot and they will NEVER choose for me Who i wish to be with, nor play match-maker nor any forms of illicit acts of favouratism towards any males, because it will all fail.

either they accept, or i'll elope.

i don't need customary, nor a grand wedding, nor any forms of showing-off. becoz in my world of romantis lifestyle, none of the grandeur, nor classy acts will be present. everything bows down to this "will u be forever contented and happy with the person u're signing the papers with?"

i hate exactly this typical-logical ways they always assume upon themselves... talking and advicing me on "what is the best way to go about things" or even worst "who and who i'm suppose to feel for, prioritize and pursue". absolutely loathe!

don't teach me, nor drill me on how to seek happiness... becoz happiness to is about giving and loving so much so hard is giving in its own rights. i'll never place my eyes on things i am not fond of. nor does anyone - as mighty and big and powerful their words and "cliche" advices are, can shift and alter my will.

i love my freedom alot.

if i closed my eyes and wish hard enough

2005-04-25T00:02:00.000+08:00

woke up really early... in the wee hours to go marketing for ingredients, following the marinating of it... i may be all adrenaline-pumped up this morning with enthusiasm...

but i guess the full inertial of evergy-urges ends about now...

i'm totally dead-beat.

--------------------------------------
i made brunch today...
~~
consisting of leafy green baby cai lan fried in garlic and dried scallops,
japanese rice with a sunshine egg accompanied in dark soya sauce ontop of it,
as well as grilled chicken drumlets marinated with black pepper corn etc (secret recipe)....

for the One that i love...
~~
hopefully he did enjoyed it as much as i did whipping up the menu of varieties for him...

--------------------------------------

much have changed ever since so long time ago... the distance and the formality of it all... the One that i love , seemingly vague, a stranger in the midst of the crowded streets we were loittering in...

i accompanied him shopping today... as he did accompanying me to collect my new identification card before that...

he gotten himself a whole new wardrobe so far, from what i observed... which made me really happy for him and his now new circumstantial lifestyle - free and easy.

his sexy suede shoes, brown and scruffy but at the same time smart and decent, striked a contrast in the midst of my confusional-based mind. he was so much a different person now.

he tried and bought the new pair of Levis straight type 523 dark blue after that too... there were some moments i felt as if he was still the same old One that i love, that i once spent my life with...

there was the sweetness and the care & concern admist the decision-making process of purchasing the pair of hell-expensive jeans.

the whole time i spent with him... the hands on my watch clock - its hours and minutes seemingly flying pass almost instantaneously... how i wish for that moment - i could pause and hold time on its second's hand, ticking away, just to prolong the satisfaction of quality time with him.

yes quality time, not quantity.

no longer am i concerned with stepping on the long pebbled and bumpy road with him - being his partner in a committed life together, but i now view the times i spent with him...

being able to be myself and allowing him to be himself, building upon the feelings that has always been dwelling in me.

i love him so much it hurts each time he does something so charming, till i felt like placing my fingers upon his cheeks and face... to hold his strong big hands, to hug him like he was once mine...

he doesn't understand nor know of my actual contradictary vivid mixtures and chemistry of feelings deep down inside me, becoz i'll never openly admit to him how badly i miss him in the face...

i don't want to risk another episode of bad retaliation by rejection terms - from his part. i know i don't need added stress in that form.

for now, i can only pretend and feign careless bo chup acts of fake cannot-be-bothered-ness but still perform acts of concern and LOVE for him...

because i just cannot stop myself from remotely eliminating them...

the One that i love will fully take in my outward behaviour correspondingly similar to a district judge-attorney, as if it was a joyous reaction - like always, the desire to achieve success and fly as free as a sparrow out of its iron cage.

he has nothing else in his mind, other den the pursuing of monetary benifits... there is no space nor time where a female agenda could be prescribed into his heart.

if i could only turn back time, and try alot harder, occasionally sweet and pretencious, not as real and truthful - frank and direct, nor rash and ill-behaved, maybe i could have ended up walking down the red carpet in the sanctuary of a certain religion's worshipping centre, united as One with him.

in solitary moments my mind expounds upon thoughts and mis-givings, whore to the fate i've led myself in, i'll close my eyes and wish hard enough, that if wishes were to come true as all fairy tales says it would... my only wish will lead me to a blissful ever after

if only i could...

he exists - on the other side of my cellphone

2005-04-24T22:38:00.000+08:00

A long time ago, unwitty me sought so badly to chance upon ill-fated senerios, expecting pessismistic scenes to flash across my eyes (red-handedly) - to catch the One that i love in the arms of some other girl, or flirt or jostle maniac-some acts of unfaithfulness.

i was grossly putting myself in the hands and beliefs of "some day i will find out... and i know i'll find out now".

However present circumstances has overturned, overthrowed and overtaken particularly as one is nurtured into the more drastically oblonged society - i become afraid, frightened at all cost.

no longer wanting to preview his behaviour alongst other women-folks, i avoid, detour away from any situations that i might so happen to bump into him, with his arms around another - i know i won't be strong enough to face that scenes.

Sometimes I get silly notions like this: an urge to do something, to be something, while I imagine myself, wrinkled grey and old with age, a couple of decades from now, saying, "In those days I..."

And it would be something truly spectacular, something the next generation would marvel at, wishing for their youth to be as glorious and dramatic as mine.

once a long time ago, in a moment of quiet exasperation, I emptied the inbox of my cellphone. I sighed briefly, and wondered what my intentions had been, saving those messages that I knew I could never bring myself to read even a second time.

It's almost as if I had known all along, that I would never be able to look at those words he'd typed, and convince myself of the truth in what he had felt for me.

-> "i love u too"
-> "baby i will always love u mah... good night... sleep tight =)"

then i'll delete his number - in a matter of unconditional will, i wanted to stop myself from the easy access to ring or text him up. but i was never successful in that attempt to severe communications...

so his number is back in my cellphone, as always, the first one under the "T" category. now, there is such an ease, such a convenience, allocating his name out of my phonebook's list - where i had even taken a secret photograph of him lying on his bed, snuggling up against his bolster, eyes closed, looking almost as serene as a sleeping infant.

Every morning ever since so long ago, I'll open my eyes, lie still and feel the slumber slip away from my body. And if I'm lucky, he'll not the first thing that comes to my mind, though it hasn't happened so far, so long, since then.

he was always the first and the last thing on my mind.

a fictionous story - for the One that i love

2005-04-22T03:27:00.000+08:00

We don't have seasons around here.

I wish I could say I met you at the beginning of autumn and we watched the leaves turn red and orange like fiery moments of passion and certainty.

Maybe I'll ask for a fallen leaf and as you bend to pick it up,
I'll slip the scarf off your neck and bring it with me into the later months of winter.

We would scream at each other, one cold January day, in the middle of a snow-paved street. Cry and yell and try so hard to remember what we were fighting for.

You will take my hands and ask me where my gloves are but before I can answer, you'll plant a kiss that tastes like a million sorries at the edge of my lips.

I'll wrap the scarf around my hand in yours and vow to never forget this warmth in its deepest burgundy.

By the time spring arrives, the daisies would have already bloomed in my garden. You will pick a single flower when I'm not looking and place in my hands and leave, where I'll watch you walk away.

You'll say it won't be long before we meet again and let's not waste the beautiful days on loneliness and grief.

I might cry, but not until I see you make that final turn out of this neighbourhood and into another one's arm.

When all I've left of you is your lingering touch on the red rose,
I'll hide my face in the scarf that has long become mine and let the tears fall against the beauty of spring.

There will come a time when I'll be okay, maybe better, days and months after. The burgundy scarf would have been kept away at the back of my drawer in this summer that has come too soon.

I will take long walks at the beach,
for the company of hundreds of people who take joy in this heat, and I'll think to myself that there must be some way I won't feel so alone.

I might sit on the sand and breathe in the summer breeze, write about love from your perspective.

But we don't have seasons around here, the One that i love. All this time we've laughed and cried and came and left, we always end up in the same place, same weather, same distance, same fear.

I can't turn our days into poetry because poetry is too tolerable and unreal. When two people like ourselves fall in love, we do it for tremendous happiness and immeasurable pain, not just pretty words to put down on paper.

So one day you notice that it was actually easier back then: the distance, the optional concern, the unrequitedness of it all.

Every accidental smile and careless word turns your heart over and over. That boy is perfect, but he only exists on the other side of the computer, the other end of your cellphone.

Occasionally tangible, like your hand on his arm or the bashfulness in his smile, but mostly he's there in moments and memories you never really learned how to forget.

Melancholy was by default, you don't worry about being disappointed. It was easier back then.

This is now and this is real. You feel this boy's skin and it makes you want to get closer.

You think about how tired you are of uncertainty and tacit desire but in all its genuinity this is much harder than you expect.

It doesn't always make sense, being happy. Let go, you tell yourself, but u can't. You want to look into this boy's eyes and let him know this is definite but you don't do it well enough. You lack the guts and will and strength inwardly.

More than you used to ache for what you were never going to get, you now apprehend over all that you're getting.

Because you know once you get used to loving so much so hard so dearly, you'll never breathe above the surface nor smile like u used to walking hand-in-hand with him, because since dark spring's arrival, there had been no true happy moment.

---------------------------------------------
Enya - only time
the One that i love... he will lie on his bed in the evenings and sometimes noon, letting his recorder play the CD of this tune...

to relax, to dream, to diverge from his intensely mind-bloggling life...

his favourite song - the tranquility and the simplicity of it... this is for him.

success is just another day-to-day occurance

2005-04-21T20:42:00.000+08:00

i went for the interview today. walking towards the venue under the scorching sun burning my shoulders and almost causing me a heat stroke (for that 10 mins i took to walk towards the place), literally left me unnerved.

i was greeted in a very surprising and awkward moment - with sabrina. very alike my econs lecturer: sandra, sabrina possessed the chix and (inevitably obvious) stylish characteristics of the lesbian persona. suave.

it did entertain me alot, amused at how girly she could be - with the plucked eyebrows, yet manly in her dress-sense and mannerism. she was kind and very courteous in her interview tone.

the best interview session i ever had so far.

the stage and office was set in an interior decor that was absolutely splendid. i knew in my heart, if i'm able to clinch this internship contract, i'd be over the moon - and it will be a purple moon.

there was the humanism in the setting - cosy, bright and cheerful, yet also work-a-ble. just the scope of environment i enjoy being in.

the schedule of the internship there fits my calendar and body-timing just right. with a flexible time-table, working hours and also the at-eased situation there, it strucked a large contrast by the looks and feel of it, comparable to the bureaucratic, aloof and stern environment that was at Citibank - millenia towers, which i had once worked at and hated myself for wasting my time on.

i love freedom and enjoy the creative forms of the mind, supporting my horoscope definition of my being wholly.

there is a warmth feeling in my tummy, which tickles me alot... knowing fully i'm going to enjoy the marketing vocation i'll be venturing into at the end of May.
---------------------------------------------------

i wonder when the days where i now sit in the corner, allowing cob-webs to grow around me will end, waiting for the moment he will return - without his usual apprehension or the naggy resilient behaviour he possesses for me, due to the past history that have evolved our now dis-engaged lifestyles.

its funny how such hard impacts can hit u - a sharp arrow piercing straight and direct into your brain - entering from where your third eye is above the sockets of the pairs u are borned with. cold and eerie.

can he sense my needs and wants?

can he see the change i have undergone - for-going the past craves for attention, being mirred and blinded by fame and popularity, into a more solid and profound me?

can he chance upon the more responsible, patient and tolerant, and more rationally controlled character of missy me, that i did no longer attempted to create any causes of anger nor annoyance in him?

can he feel the set-backs and the disappointment in me, after his numerous rejections, but still the possess the patience and sincerity to wait for him?

can he understand the more grown-up me now, who sees career, real friends and all the goodness in life, because they are the ones that aid in the sweetness of the days gone by?

the One that i love - may not be, in reality, mine for keeps or to share a life and future with me...

but i can still have him selfishly - in my heart.

Wat Girls are thinking

2005-04-20T14:50:00.000+08:00

When a GIRL is quiet,Millions of things are running in her mind.
When a GIRL is not arguing,She is thinking deeply.
When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of questions,She is wondering how long you will be around.
When a GIRL answers "i'm fine" after a few seconds,She is not at all fine.
When a GIRL stares at you,She is wondering why you are lying.
When a GIRL lays on your chest,She is wishing for you to be hers forever.
When a GIRL calls you everyday,She is seeking for your attention.
When a GIRL wants to see you everyday,She wants to be pampered.
When a GIRL sms's u everyday,She wants you to reply at least once.
When a GIRL says I love you,She means it.
When a GIRL says that she can't live without you,She has made up her mind that you are her future.
When a GIRL says "i miss you",No one in this world can miss you more than that
------------------------------------------------------
Has any ger cried for u b4?
If a gal cries in front of u, it means dat she couldnt take it anymore.
If u take her hand, she would stay with u 4 de rest of ur life;
If u let her go, she couldnt go back 2 being herself anymor.

A gal wont cry easily,
except in front of de person who she loved e most, she becomes weak.
A gal wont cry easily, only wen she love u de most, she put down her ego.

Guys, if a gal cries bcoz of u,please hold her hands firmly,
she's the one who would stay with u 4 dearest of ur life.

Guys, if a gal cries bcoz of u,
please dont give her up, maybe bcoz of ur decision, u ruin her life.

When she cry rite infrnt of u,When she cry bcoz of u,Look into her eyes,
Can u see n feel de pain n hurt she's feelin?

Think. Which other girl have cried wif pure sincerity, Infront of u, and bcoz of u?

She cry not because she is weak,
She cry not bcoz she wan sympathy or pity,
She cry, Because crying silently is no longer possible,

the pain, hurt,n agony have become 2 big a burden 2 b kept inside.

Guys, Think about it,
If a gal cry her heart out 2 u, And all because of u,
Its time 2 look back on wat u hav done, Only u will know de answer 2 it.
---------------------------------------------------

this is courtesy of lmai & benny's website ( http://stout-clubs-bennygirl-me.blogspot.com/ ), containing more den these few lists of "do you know".

rather intriuging i must say.

materialistic vs. the simplistic details of life

2005-04-19T21:26:00.000+08:00

his mum gave me a box of agar-agar jelly last nite to bring home. it was delicious. my parents are addicted to it, stuffing themselves with the whole box of mango-yam flavoured jelly currently, whilst entertaining themselves with the usual cantonese drama serials on DVDs that they both watched together every night.

sometimes i envy how close and inseperable they are, for 24 years of marriage - theirs was one that lasted, almost as stable as any happy ever after princess' tale.

they think that the box of jelly was one that i bought - a white lie on my behalf. things are never as easy as they may seemingly be.

------------------------------------------

most people who genuinely just hate the guts out of me can probably always stop short of decidingly mentioning that missy me be that of the materialistic and money-chasing bitchy kind. they enjoy critically defaming me in that light, adding that i chase guys who have the cash and the car - a comfort life that i choose?

i so beg to differ. there may be a line of well-bred bachelors and also those of the ill-bred ah beng types who tries quite hard to achieve my attention and fanciness for me to fall for them, but i can confidently put across that every one of such desperate souls have failed in many attempts. quite miserably.

because deep down inside, there will always be the One that i love. how much money nor looks nor fame can alter my heart and the direction it leans towards. he doesn't have much of any of the worldly stuffs - car, money to splurge, a house etc.

so a justifiable correction here: i am not a money-chaser. my love for him is purely for his well-being - loving the inner him.

continuing from the line of suitors who have failed...from the point of rejection there will be the beginning of the phase which i term - revengeful retaliation. i'm so used to being intentionally provoked right in my face, it sometimes causes me a slight grin or an amusement feeling arising my guts.

they can't get u so try to trash your reputation so that others won't have a gd impression of u. spiteful.

its probably a cause for rejoicing then, since i see these insults as insignificant and cruel by the way it is so dubiously and profoundly put across. direct.

because all parents would all so often reprimand their offsprings of having no taste - "u better open your eyes and better choose a capable husband, got car, got money, can give u a comfortable life". which parents doesn't want the best for their kids?

so if any vivid mentioning of a materialistic girl ("eh do u know this who n who... money face leh!!! only choose those who got money and looks") that happens to come across my ears (besides the point: i'm differing from those who sleeps around to swim in money, that is a totally different subject altogether) i'll begin my attempts to scrutinize how gossipy and bitchy , these people who find satisfaction in labelling such characters, are.

for all my money's worth, if they can't get the attention from successful bachelors, then all they can do is cheap-talk. these were the real pathetic losers.

at 20 and growing up rather quickly, learning that things will not exactly be what they are, in reality, from the words of others - mere rumours, i trust only myself to judge and comprehend each indivudual as they come about my life.

backstabbers will never exist if not for one of the seven sins - envy and jealousy.

a fruitful day

2005-04-18T23:52:00.000+08:00

ok call me stupid, silly, blockhead, naive and irrational.

"follow your heart and do things from your heart, with passion and the alleged force of the strong determined mind" - i possess IT!

woke up bright and early this morning, greeted by a mysterious pretty yellow and green honey-sucker (btw its the term used for a small bird who drinks nectar from flowers) poached at my window grill. tweetering away its sweet melodious tunes that seems to be singing or wishing me - "good morning its gonna be a fabulous day for u... trust me". wonderful.

stripped down my nightie and slapped on a T-shirt and shorts, ran across my building towards the supermarket (still yawning), charged to the cashier a packet of rock-sugar, bread, green beans and barley seeds, pandan leaves... and my packet of Menthol - so u can guess.

hurried back (the clock seems to be ticking away trememdously loud in my ears) and boiled a whole pot of green beans cum barley soup (took quite a long time, i had to relentlessly keep stirring to avoid ending up with HARD BEANS..)

got dressed in an hour and flocked down (literally panting) towards the really nice eatery that was nearby my house to TA PAO a box of sweet and sour pork with rice and a sunshine egg (for the One that i love - his fav dish).

there is insufficient amounts of carbohydrates in my blood ! i presumed - series of dazed white and black spots seem to be focusing from my irises. puzzling.

got home and scooped generous amounts of the nice sweet dessert soup i made earlier on into a hot flask then trotted towards the One that i love place.

ah yes, the One that i love... apparently after his last routine Sat nite-out drinking sessions, he arrived home quite drunk. i have no reason to believe he knows how to take care of himself. he gets me very worried of his health, in any case, he has been suffering from strange repeated bouts of nose-bleeds. i find this situation very heart-breaking. he says its "nose cancer". oh blunder, touch wood.

took the very long endless journey over to his place - hoping i could catch him before he goes out of his house to work or something... was reciting in my heart what i was going to do - shove the things into his hands and say "take care of your health and eat more". that was my initial plan. a very stringent one i was going to adhere to.

when i did finally reach his door steps - the main wooden door was closed shut. alamak. rang him up to ask if he was home. he was. asked him to open the door please. he opened and walked away.

Damn.

so quite frightened and intimidated me (by his black face) managed a short phrase "nah... for u... ehh ok i go liao" but i stayed on. well he open the invitation of the opportunity for me to stay. damn grateful. my body was about to break.

he ate the food so quickly that when i took my eyes off the telly for a few mins to see him enjoying his food - it was already gone. he drank the whole bowl of dessert soup too, which made me very delighted. he appreciated my efforts.
------------------------------------------------------
there is only one guy i most fear in my life. the One that i love. its rather weird, considering how defensive and loud-spoken i am.

but whatever things that occurred which has got to do with him or he himself just being mean and bad towards me - automatically i'll start re-tracking into a very timid and mild-mannered girl.

probably because i respect and adore him... or maybe its because i'm scared he'll turn violent on me... worst, totally ignore me.

drastic isn't it.

but somehow i love to slave and "worship" him... massaging his back and legs tenderly. i really do.

perhaps its just how love is. sacrificing, giving love.

to see him closing his eyes when i'm massaging him, relaxing and rid of his forever scowling, frowning and anguished facial expression (even if its for 15 mins), makes me feel happy, contented and whole :)

silly?

marriage - damnation in this century

2005-04-17T19:29:00.000+08:00

the One i love told me a philosophy the other day... about man and woman, which started my mind spinning.

when a man is married to his wife - he sees her as a responsibility.

when a man has a lover - he is with her because he loves her.

would you choose to be his wife or his lover then?

if you're his wife - he'll take care of u and be with you because he is bounded by the law and oathe to remain by your side "in sickness and in health for as long as death comes". he is the figure u can pin on with faith that he'll never leave u nor forsake u, because that is the committment that comes with the marriage bond.

if you're his lover - he'll love u with all the passion on earth, everyday will be a new chapter of romance, every single minute that u are with him, u obtain the full satisfaction of him loving and cherishing the time spent with u. he is with you because he loves u, not committment nor responsibility nor a helpless bond that ties u with him. that is his choice and he has chosen to share his love with u.
-----------------------------------------------------
is this the new ideology of the modern century? that marriage is viewed as a savagery plight that only pins a man and a woman down. that besides all the past historical views of the maritual rites, it is now de-valued and insignificant.

the marriage will still prevail - with offsprings and a traditional route of customary descent by the patriachal route...

but behind all of such liberal acts of faith based upon the bonds of the family ties, is an empty vessel containing nothing but the term - responsibility.

irc

2005-04-16T17:29:00.000+08:00

ipporek> who edison?
ipporek> floyd?
NOT_HERE> yah
ipporek> oh
NOT_HERE> i told u before wad
NOT_HERE> i go toilet at mw
NOT_HERE> he oso wan to follow
NOT_HERE> i tok to other guys
NOT_HERE> he black face
NOT_HERE> crazy
ipporek> well, some of them apparently side with him lor
ipporek> i told u angelgal tell me she believe him
NOT_HERE> believe lor
ipporek> apparently he does a good show of showing to the others that he's a nice guy
NOT_HERE> believe a divorcee
NOT_HERE> sorry hor
ipporek> oh ya
NOT_HERE> u believe a guy who the wife doesn't want
ipporek> angelgal did tell me he divorcee
NOT_HERE> the guy muz be sth wrong
NOT_HERE> n he IS sth wrong
NOT_HERE> super possessive
NOT_HERE> n i'm only his friend
ipporek> they dunno mah
NOT_HERE> treat me lk gf
NOT_HERE> siao
NOT_HERE> next time they tok abt it
NOT_HERE> u tell them
NOT_HERE> they hear his story can hear mine anot
NOT_HERE> ok?
NOT_HERE> since u the only friend i keep now
NOT_HERE> at least stand up for me
ipporek> ok ok
ipporek> seriously, i hardly ever hear about that guy
ipporek> never even see his nick b4
NOT_HERE> ya that guy is insanely possessive
ipporek> hmm... raining
NOT_HERE> i cannot tahan as his friend
NOT_HERE> tts y everytime he sms me or call me last time after that
NOT_HERE> i super cold
NOT_HERE> too warm like how i tok to u
NOT_HERE> or other guys
NOT_HERE> they will tink they got chance
NOT_HERE> YUKES
NOT_HERE> like lazzy too
NOT_HERE> bleahh!!!
NOT_HERE> why are u not replying!
ipporek> ah?
ipporek> haha
ipporek> lazzy
NOT_HERE> haha
ipporek> he ah...
ipporek> dunno wat to say la
NOT_HERE> why leh
ipporek> one thing i realize about IRC
ipporek> actually it might be about the whole world
ipporek> everyone puts on an act
ipporek> in front of ppl, act friendly friendly
NOT_HERE> wad do u mean
ipporek> behind, talk bad
NOT_HERE> sorry hor... when i tink the guy is treating me and seeing me in a diff ight
ipporek> first time i out with them (bluelabel, lingling, lazzy, amon), all seem ok
NOT_HERE> more den juz friends
ipporek> tok tok
NOT_HERE> i be super cold
ipporek> but later when go hom
NOT_HERE> they ask me to go out
NOT_HERE> i say sorry i busy
ipporek> bluelabel tell me he dun like lazzy
NOT_HERE> ya irc is fake
NOT_HERE> tts y i dun lk irc ppl
NOT_HERE> tts y irc ppl dun make gd friends
NOT_HERE> i stick by msn!
ipporek> ha
ipporek> u make new friends in MSN??
NOT_HERE> eh irc i oso dun make new friends wad... i see the person in real life hen i will private
NOT_HERE> when they private me
NOT_HERE> other then that.... i ignore
ipporek> oh

looking out a window sill

2005-04-16T15:05:00.000+08:00

do u believe in the supernatural force?

yesterday i made my maiden voyage to the Goddess of Mercy temple at bugis, a little apprehensive, yet a little eager. the crowd was aplenty, many kneeling inside the temple, eyes closed and concentration on praying - perhaps like all other religion practices.

i have come to a point where i am open to any religion of any acts. but i still do not worship idols. i pray to an imaginary image which does not exist, God/s who i know in my heart but cannot see before me. not golden encasted figurines nor marble man-made statues, these excessive display of fine artsworks and mastermind's skills adorned with gems and gold - most importantly, pray without the works of impressions.

so there i was burning the joss-sticks, allowing my inner heart's wishes, hopes, dreams to wash over me, whilst many others were beside me doing the same thing. the smoke of incense was heavy, it made my eyes water alot. but these minor turn-offs were mild misgivings for me. i was there becoz i wanted to. perhaps a little fate and destiny played a part in it too.

after sticking the joss-sticks into the big golden cauldron, which i witnessed many rubbing their palms on it - in an act to obtain more or welcoming the God's presence, many praying for wealth to be bestowed upon them, health etc, i ventured into the large premises of the temple. there was a very large red carpet in the middle of it, where many knelt in the midst of practising the act of "chou qian".

when my turn came, kneeling and gently shaking the tin filled with wooden sticks that were numbered, i repeatedly requested, prayed, honoured, the God to allow me some form of journey to embark on, for my desires and hopes to come true, asking directly "what do i have to do in order to make it come true?", to slowly enable the one to return perhaps.

a stick fell out of the metal tin. taking the interpretation from a man who sits in a counter beside there, i read the thin pink slip, which was not a very desired one. mind blank and very loss for words, i stepped out of the temple, trying very hard not to reveal in any form of a SHOCKED facial expression to the masses there.

but something pretty amazing occured immediately. i would very much like to give credit to Guan Ying for it. earlier on before i had went there, i had called him to ask if he was interested in catching a movie - say in town. as most would guess, the request was unpermittive, negative and direct, he had wanted to stay at home to rest. period.

incredible, remarkable, astonishment? just minutes after stepping under the scorching hot sun, he called. he said something which i had a hard time believing it was ringing in my ears "ok go watch the movie, but later timing coz i've to go citibank first".

Eh, stunned like lightning had strucked me. "huh i thought u say don't want already?"
for a minute, i held my breathe listening to his explanation for his call.

then inside me, like an internal battle war going on - words sprung up almost instantaneously, "why? how? what? HOW COME? OMG? am i dreaming?"
---------------------------------------------------------------
some would say "why the big fuss? its just a fone call with a changed decision"

firstly, he doesn't call me at all. Zero

secondly, he doesn't change his mind when he made up his mind on certain stuffs.

thirdly, it was such a big coincidence he had to go to the bank that day.

forthly, he could go to the bank (which was in town) but he doesn't necessarily have to meet me thereafter to catch the movie.
---------------------------------------------------------------
the movie - the pacifier. humourous, attention-grabbing show. entertaining.

circumstantial forces of nature or supernatural? we popped over chinablack after that. cheap drinks, heart-to-heart chatters, somehow there were moments that brought me back to the pasts - the similar way we used to yak away.

the laughter, the jokes, the exchange of ideas and previous stories of our seperated life. God, i love him. he didn't have his guard up against me much last nite, it made me really happy just to see him and hear his voice in my ears.

we sat there at the bar, probably the longest sitting, idling and gossiping pair that nite, till his bum ached with sitting too long. when we left - it was already 4am++. yet i didn't have the "boredom" feeling that nite, which was insane, considering how a figid i was.

i wasn't aching to move far away from him - towards the dance floor nor towards any other friends - which i saw quite alot that nite (i feigned nonchanlancy and ignorance), though there were the few who did come up at our seats to exchange a friendly conversation after so darn long. time flies.

leaving him and bidding farewell was the hardest thing i ever needed or did. somehow i felt that a simple "goodbye" wasn't right, i had this feeling i wasn't about to ever meet him nor see him again for a very long time. instinctual.

i hugged him tight, feeling his warmth against me for the many minutes i clung onto him, his neck close to mine, his heartbeat - i listened silent and satisfied.

"why u hug so long ahhh?" he had stopped his part of the hug, hands not around me patting the small of my back as he always does in a hug. But he didn't push me away at all, comforting thoughts that he was letting me have my way, letting me to bask in the minutes of temporary happiness.

i miss him.

-silence- from my part, just allowing the moment to occur as it had already been undergo-ing. to halt at the moment (when i could do it) as my mind tells me "stop hugging him! he already stopped! too long too long!!", would mean i was level-headed, not honest with myself, allowing myself to bow before ill-fate or being too passive in that situation.

i hung onto him for the longest minutes... till my mind stopped picturing his smile, imagining our once happy every after. i turned my head slightly and kissed his neck - like i always did.

he was amazingly nice that night. which puzzled me alot.

-----------------------------------------------------------

ever had a moment when u reach out to touch a glass window, where outside was drizzling raindrops that would collade and a-join together into larger droplets, then trickling down the window sill...

ur fingers beside the raindrops...

just able to see it yet not able to feel the dampness against the bare skin of yours...

that is my plight now, with him.
able to see, but unable to really feel and withold.

drifting boats of the similar kind

2005-04-12T01:47:00.000+08:00

"dont ask what i see/saw in him. he is the very one i set my eyes upon, who happened to like me back, and let me grow to love him even more.

ironically, i never posted them while we were still together. i wanted to keep us to ourselves. he's quite a private person too, anyway.

but now, i'm pretty sure he doesn't come here anymore. of course it doesn't warrant me putting them up now... but ah well.

its been half a year, there about, since i lost a huge part of myself. the wound is healing but i think it'll be scarred. he's chosen not to contact me, which hurts everytime i think about it.

i'm a dfferent person from the one he left, but i've not a chance to show him, to prove it, to be accepted.

and me, i've learnt all that i can, each flashback like a dagger through my heart, the brain chiding me for being such a fool for making all those mistakes.

never has there been a day that passed that i don't think back. i dont stop missing him."
Nat

----------------------------------------------------

same boat, same moon-less river we drifting in, same unending hurt that seems to be there all the time.

compromising is always the best thing. why can't some see it?

----------------------------------------------------------

~~¤nät¤~~ brain dead says:
im sure u share my feelings right

~~¤nät¤~~ brain dead says:
the kind of bitter sweet, regretful, hopeful....sadness

http://sherryadensii.blogspot.com says:
we are in the same boat

http://sherryadensii.blogspot.com says:
TA DAH

-----------------------------------------------------------

funny how silly humans are... caught up in the chains of pride and dignity, unwilling to show out true emotions... unwilling to be seen as without their masks of strength, vulnerable and open to all.

-----------------------------------------------------------

~~¤nät¤~~ brain dead says:
i can contact him anytime

~~¤nät¤~~ brain dead says:
but i rather wait

~~¤nät¤~~ brain dead says:
(until i lose patience)

~~¤nät¤~~ brain dead says:
cos yeah

~~¤nät¤~~ brain dead says:
i dun want to si2 chen2 lan4 da3 him

------------------------------------------------------------

and when u do show your emotions in the form of care & concern through phonecalls and dates - u are labelled as too caught up with him or being too possessive.

-----------------------------------------------------------

~~¤nät¤~~ brain dead says:
i meant im not bochup as u said i am

~~¤nät¤~~ brain dead says:
im hum

http://sherryadensii.blogspot.com says:
sooooo

http://sherryadensii.blogspot.com says:
u chup too much

~~¤nät¤~~ brain dead says:
haha in way

~~¤nät¤~~ brain dead says:
in a way

http://sherryadensii.blogspot.com says:
same as me

~~¤nät¤~~ brain dead says:
yeah boy

----------------------------------------------------------------

where is the balance then? find me a level to judge each and every actions or feelings as they come by flooding your senses, to which everyone can subjectively measure with/upon.

its just a hard fuck-up world.

in hope - we dream

2005-04-11T23:29:00.000+08:00

deja vu occurred today, plodding on the cemented pavement beside a heavy traffic, the bustle and hustle of busy Orchard road... i saw something that made everything seem to freeze for a hundred seconds.

...the man lifted his broad big hand placing it on the back of his girl's head lightly, pulling her close to him and then kissing her gently on her forehead...

for a minute, seeing that vague, swift and almost sutle action being played out in front of me, i caught myself breathless, heart sinking towards the ground i was rooted in.

the very placing of his hand, the very same position he kissed... it brought me back in a flash to the days before. He did that very same action... when he returned from Bali, when he wanted me to feel secure and okay after a long day, when he just wanted to sayang me there and then.

how cruel it seems, allowing myself to undergo another flash of painful shivers down my spine. i held on to the railings just beside of me... leaning onto its green coated paint, feelings its cold against the small of my back.

how do i know how important he is and can be so sure that i'll continue feeling for him?

everyone keeps asking me that. everyone said too that i'll find someone better, more capable, more intelligent and everything that he wasn't good enough to be compared with.

but once true love found - its hard to denounce. how can i substitute another for him? in my mind, everything leans in favour of him.

that's how much i know he is the right one.

for as long as i know, what i believe in and what i keep hoping and praying for, diligently, will one day come true. just like any fairy tales that comes true for some persistant few that "never say die"...

once not so long time ago, he said "if u find someone better, go for him, u'll be happier"

that sounded so vaguely familiar it almost brought me to tears... it was the rejection line once said to him before. yet he was able to use to on me that very moment, forgo-ing all the past we had before, as in almost a different person altogether.

was he indirectly telling me to give up or was he just simply delusional and do not know what he really was feeling then, as if testing me and my patience?

i remembered his one conversation with me, after it all ended fair and square, that "who knows we might get back together, future things we don't know, but for now i like to take the opportunity of single life to do my own things".

last checked, he IS happy with his singlehood. dreadfully is. can one survive with pride and dignity, without emotions and only the materialistic worldly things that we are greedy for? can one be really happy and not feel lonely at all?

patience - a seed i'm cultivating in me. as well as virtuous of the heart, compassion and an understanding towards others.

he needs his own space, to dream and basks in his dreams, to think and be ambitious abt his future plans, to breathe and to let go of the pitiful plight of circumstantial faults that he doesn't really need.

i need my dreams too. like all princesses in fairy tales, hopes will come true someday. dreams are not surely empty cravings, working and fighting for your dreams will see u step closer to ur desires one fine day.

i might be flying off as an SQ girl in the later part of the year eventually, if so do see fate seeking me into that path. perhaps it will do me more good to see the outside world more and breathe more of the fresh air over there.

once fortunate but unappreciative, once done can never be undone. salvaging the last threads that binds, seeking and evolving after the beginning of regrets and sorrows.

me & more me

2005-04-10T01:36:00.000+08:00

You have a hard time seeing the trees for the forest. You're not concerned with what a particular individual did on a certain day; you're interested in what their actions say about humanity as a whole. (true i dun really care about the details, but perceive their activities with the inclination of their underlying meanings)

Your observations have a great deal of wisdom because they are grounded in the belief that all people are essentially the same. (no one will ever be a wholly good person?)

Finding links among different cultures has a special appeal for you. You'd make a wonderful art historian, linguist, or travel writer.

There's a good chance you will make a dramatic career change at some point in your life. As you get older, working for a humanitarian organization may appeal to you, prompting you to switch jobs quite suddenly.

You may even decide to program computers, especially if your work involves helping disadvantaged people. Prepare to undergo a radical but fulfilling career change in your later years.

Your greatest challenge is to listen to your heart, even when it tells you to defy the status quo. A special person like you can't expect to live a conventional lifestyle. (traditional routines suks for me)

Your biggest strength is your ability to find common ground with everybody you meet.

You're a very spiritual person and enjoy spending time alone. Solitary vacations can be very rewarding. At the very least, you need to be by yourself at least one weekend each year. (yes, i'm thinking of a going on a holiday myself some time soon)

This will give you the opportunity to reflect on your progress, assess your needs, and formulate new goals. It's better to do this without the input of friends and family as these well-intentioned folks can sometimes prompt you to make decisions that are not in your best interests.

Your dreamy idealism attracts practical people who want to add a splash of color to their lives. Taureans, Virgos, Capricorns, and Aquarians appreciate your whimsical ways and make good friends for you.

In love, you need a partner who will allow you a strong measure of freedom. (they didn't say abt my sex life)

beyond the surface reality

2005-04-08T11:37:00.000+08:00

things are not as easy as it seems, there is always an underlying meaning/ real intentions behind every action made.

mum taught me that this morn... with her years of experiences, it felt comforting to be able to open up to her. for once after so long, to be able to listen to her notions of "what is" n "what is not".

at the end of it all, our morning conversations over a cuppa hot coffee and the daily newspaper in front of us, i had this warmthness creeping through my belly. like those the arises from comfort and care that is being showered upon u, by someone who u really cared for. i could trust my mum more then anyone in the world, more then even myself.

so afterall, i see the bigger picture in the perception i had tried to hard to disbelief. that was why her actions had sprang up from. it was never so simple as ABC nor as 123. there is affections playing its role in it. whether it was one-sided or reciprocated - it has nothing to do with me anymore.

what's important now is my determination, to fight and win my desired goals.

behind the mask

2005-04-06T14:18:00.000+08:00

read between lines, just like reading behind the masks that people wear.

says "THICKER AND STRONG, LAST LONGER"... implications and the paradox of the english language... diabolical.

i un-intentionally stumbled into a friend the other day, who spoke of many deep things that left my mind whirring. i love a daily dorse of interllectual debates with someone who's capable of setting my brains racking for "the truths" behind most clueless things we so take for granted.

the topic - characters & behavioural traits.
some may appear to bask in the moment's content,
some may always have something nasty to say,
some may enjoy putting people down just to show off how "powerful" they are,
some may look nonchanlant,
some may be seen as going overboard.

...deep down inside, theirs is the direct opposite of how they portray themselves.

take for instance - ms successful's senario:
she's a hard, bossy lady who goes to no ends just to get what she wants. she manupilates, commands and orders. she appears happy and contented with power struggle.

on the contuary: analyzing her inner self, we'll see a remarkably needy woman, using work and success to cover up her other needs - like love, trust, attention, compassions, which she dyingly needs.

but she's not allowing others to see her as one whose weak
...becoz weak is bad.

---------------------------------------------------

try thinking tru' the list of people u know of, examining their outer appearances, behaviour and habits, how they interact with people - u'll be surprised at some realizations.

what's real and what's not? its just a mask removal away.

nosey-pokers

2005-04-05T00:52:00.000+08:00

at some point of time last week, i pounced on an interpretation of me that one of the few readers who habitually looks up my blog "prescribed"... though the description of my character wasn't exactly the nicest i heard - i've had better.

but since such comments all bows down to this domain's existence, which i've tried so hard to be expressive in, penning down as honest as i can, for the interest of myself and for the curiousity (aka kpo-ness) of the rest of the readers, it only hits me that i am being left with 2 choices.

--------------------------------------------------------

firstly, if i were to give in to their perceptions of me - "still young, u sld go read her blog" and other even sillier ones such as "if u dont wanna get into any trouble, stay clear of her, she only gives u trouble", i'll probably be the weakest soul in terms of my self-esteem (like acknowledging me as a psycho?)

out of curiousity, which part of my blog has even shown me as a crazy woman? i recall no such entries where i would write anything out of nothing - i have always put across a lesson for all or past experiences - hoping ít'll be the apple of the day (as a doctor would give his patients).

DONT LIKE ME, DONT READ THEN, DONT BE SO OBSESSED WITH ME, I"M NOT A LESBIAN.

however, this bitchy world that exists does not see missy me being affected by such crafty acts of attempting to ruin the faith and pride i have in myself. it takes a weakling and a dumb-blond to tag these 2 terms on another. it also takes a bigger effort to even be close enough to demoralize me at any cost - so try harder please?

if u worship me by being my "biggest FAN", please just give up on trying n trying to spoil my name. recalling all the pasts attempts this certain mental girl
has tried to spark up my anger - though failing always.

i've been fair and nice for too long, "tahan-ing" all her silly pasts mischiefs & lame devilish things she created. this last one has undoubtingly hit the core. If Xiaxue can be mean http://xiaxue.blogspot.com , so can i.

the only thing that has been sitting in my mind, over such crude and impolite actions/words from her? - she surely is suffering from some form of insanity. i've no idea why she even bothers so much about me - like there is nothing better to do in her life. Quite sad for her plight.

i'm sorry but i'm just not too observant or have spare-time to begin even attempting to "study" on specks of dirt - i've much bigger things on my mind, unlike the type of lifestyle this certain eyesore and mental (insanely maniactic, always out trying to ruin my day & the mood of most of the people she deem ENTERTAINMENT aka "TOYS" in her eyes - for what reason?? PURE BO LIAO) person leeches on. ok maybe this all springs out of something even better & credible - ENVY?

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secondly, i could close this entire webbie down (but i aint that cruel), which i know would leave my other readers in despair and probably agitation towards a certain angel who tries to spark some dirty pranks(i can't actually blame her, afterall she is still so young, only 20, and everytime i hear of her, its always "new bf again").

u wonder how people can begin their "miss aunt agony" personality, when they do not possess a single trait of stability nor maturity. that's what posers are.

in this world, there exist WEIRD people, who finds enjoyment and entertainment in creating mountainS out of mole-hill. they are what we label as - nosey-pokers.

AH! so now we see the light :D

advice for women

2005-04-03T04:28:00.000+08:00

when people are mean and begin doing nasty things to u... will u retaliate, or just laugh it off?

try this: at the end of it all, they actually care so much about ruining ur life, that its amazing how their attempts to degrade u serves as a gentle and constant reminder that they see you as a threat, preferably based on a strong sense of jealousy or just pure scorn at how fortunate u are.

surface based things do not affect me at all now. period. since these few minorities are not actually what i consider as even aquintances. oh please, get a life.

evil will only begets evil, so stay in the light - i sound like i'm preaching here, but who gives a damn?

there are 2 kinds of beauties that exists:
1) those who gives a very good first impression but their beauty seems to fade with time (as the chinese saying goes: bu nai kan)
2) those who don't stand out really that much in the first greetings, but seems to exlude some exuberant form of beauty that attracts all with time (nai kan)

to females: which kind would u prefer to be under?

be true to urself, reflect and observe the behaviour u portray to others. most importantly, remember to be a lady n not a wild animal on the loose.

point noted.

philosophy of the contridictory kind

2005-04-01T22:14:00.000+08:00

notions of opposites have been pondering my mind since last night. in the events of their presence - swarming my head with contradictory concepts, i will attempt to lay them down in here specifically for my readers to have a taste of my insights of conceptual definitions below.

the world exists in the form of balances. for every presence of a subject - there is the direct opposite to it. like the existance of evil and good, Yin & yang, these things are all around us, that most of the time we take to it in oblivion and insensitivity.

i believe that no one is ultimately borned good or bad. it is just the unfortunate circumstances that have evolved that have made us label each individuals "justifically-speaking". criminals, convicts etc are just like all of us - average humans that walk on earth, but with the incurrence of the ill-fated kind - just their luck of being caught, reported and having a sentence slapped on them in public.

come to think of it, who hasn't sinned before? who has stolen something, lied, cheat, gave in to corruption or any of the rest of subjective conclusive acts that we claim to be wrong-doings?

what is the perceptive act defined as wrong or incorrect then? it is just a socially constructed meaning that intends us to default the line drawn up dividing good and evil.

like everything has a black & white, different cultures and society defines wrong-doings, so adequately deframed, with their own perception based on their traditions and environment they dwell in.

the opposite of hot is cold. to understand the meaning and the intention of the english vocabulary - hot, we were all self-taught the meaning of cold - delivered from the warmth of our mother's womb, hitting the cold slab of metal weighing scale in a matter of minutes, just to learn that definition and its implication.

likewise, hatred vs. love. how much do u measure love or hate is what most cannot decipher. to the extremes length - try being in self-reclusion and adapting urself to the emotions of that wavelength, to understand how much u hate/love that particular thing, by ranging the extreme emotions in a matter of minutes.

so whilst opposites measure up to each other in this world, the understatement lies on which side do u lean towards or favour more. nobody can ever have a neutral stand-point, nor implicate his/her intentions as a neutral one.

all things will always have a subjective biasness in them.

what is the change?

2005-03-31T23:58:00.000+08:00

someone asked me today, so whats the change about?

i'll put it down in terms - english simplified as much as possible.

the change not in physical terms, nor wealth nor assets that i possess (though i would really like to achieve something near to that of my expectations with my capabilities). rather the change is sought for in terms of my mindset - how i perceive things, how i go about interpreting events and actions.

contuary to most, i have a very subjective and assuming personality - please don't believe my past report cards from the early wee days when i was in an autonomous government school, which labelled me ALWAYS as an unassuming character. that was a very simple me back then.

undeniably, i read and subject every action as an intention - harmful and always bias against me. that everybody is out to betray, or hurt, or get me in some form of negativity. that is me.

perhaps the reason bows down to the horoscope traits that i am so formally inclined to believe.

towards any strangers and even friends, close or distant aquintances, i always had the problem of feeling almost "threatened" by their momentus secrecy in the way they would hide some private secrets or perform a certain action in my presence. also i had the problem of feeling "left out" especially if i wasn't included in any of the events that i would hear of thereafter.

i was borned a neutral personality, but maybe unjustifiably, i was nurtured into becoming a pessimist. this is not intentionally putting the blame on my parents for the environment i was brought up it. no, i blame no one but myself.

eventually, self-realisation in every mature adult would see them fit into becoming a better person to the society. maybe the world is a bad place to live in - with all its loop-holes and the way society is cultivated to be impressed by the few rich & beautiful.

undoubtingly, events of such often claims our outcries of intense hatred - why should we suffer so much just for the paper & money chase?

so changes that i do so want to aim for - maturation of the mind, less of the suspicions i have on every living soul on this planet, less of paranoial inclination and lastly, nurturing my self-confidence beyond just first impressions basis.

evolving into a much calmer and rational individual, adapt to a more non-instinctive way of doing things based on that current moment, learning anger management (self-taught?) and giving myself space to fully development my mindset into one that's non-subjective and as i would like it to be - unassuming.

life after work is not the same as in the hours of meeting deadlines. that is the point where people see the real me. i do so hope this break and leeway of unrestricted space to find myself does me the ultimate joy - being able to free myself from my past "sanctuary" of a living nightmare, which i have basked myself in for too long a time.

till then, i'm staying single. nothing has possessed me into this turning point, neither is the reason of T that most would be perceiving. but in order for me to seek the bright light out of the blackness i've dwelled in for so long, i have no other choice but to be honest with my past.

when i've finally felt that there is no longer the erksome feeling of "threat" felt by me towards anyone - near and far, then will i be ready to share my life's content with Him.

if he accepts, that is.

from devil to angel

2005-03-30T22:55:00.000+08:00

over lunch today, somebody provided for me a new way to look at the situations that im currenty sinking myself into, as well as the hellish past i've laid down on a certain being that i dearly love.

reflecting everything now, i declare willingly, i was obsessed with him. with too much feelings and emotions pinned onto him, i have dilluted the once deep-liking he had for me, instead allowing him to approach me with a "stand-offish" on-guard reaction of the particularly mean kind thereafter. that was his way of retaliating towards my excessive paranoial.

i had put in too much love that it overshadowed the privacy and the freedom i had to give to him. over all of that which he deserves, i became increasingly disturbed, wanting him to have a "no life" habitual daily routine, as if he was to be kept in a cell. unable to breathe.

this realisation doesn't come as a good one then... seeing myself in new horizons, i'm such a possessive and greedy bitch! wanting to re-possess someone whom i love instead of allowing him to enjoy my love in a more passive manner.

looking back, i have to say i'm all grateful. gratitude is something i had never shown in appreciation to him. T had put in alot of hope, given many chances in our relationship, in bidst of seeing a new rainbow that would brighten up the sowed darken desert, that was what our relationship was becoming - i can only show my appreciation here now by saying sincerely: Thank You.

standing in the public train, mind floating back to the times he came all the way down in the middle of the night, abandoning his rest and sleep, just becoz i had thrown a stupid foul arguement which had sprung out of nothing at all (i always would to find things to fight about with him). God, i feel almost sick with the past memories of how childish and hot-tempered i was.

when i was the obnoxious & willful me, popping over his place all the sudden, without prior arrangement with him, he took it in silence, rushing back from his office after his meetings immediately, so that i'll not be left alone at his place, even forgo-ing his clients appointments and his heavy office workload. yet recalling all his quiet & mild efforts to be nice, i didnt realise any of it at all, but took them for granted. i was so un-appreciative.

then, when he didnt make any calls to me, or didnt report any of his on-going events for that day, i'll begin calling and calling, till i could get him. sometimes even ringing up his friends, in the middle of the night, and begin ranting, crying & getting all emotional, becoz he had switched off his hp, too irritated by my nonsense to bother being nice.

so in this domain here, i am publicly making an apology. to him, to his friends, to myself... for the damn whore things i have done, for the nonsense and the irritance i have caused in many & especially him. yet what has been done cannot be undone.

to all: relish your present down, appreciate what u have . remember to show appreciation for them. becoz u'll never know when u'll start losing all of the things you've taken for granted of, and begin regretting so painfully, weaping at their desertion.

that somebody told me too, over that one long, draggy, heartfelt and almost too frank to believe conversation -

change for yourself, not for him or for others, becoz only with your own determination to change your own character and overall personality traits cum habits and mindset, will u find happiness and joy, and then can others really see the change in u.

mature wisely, mature gracefully & mature rationally.

i was a very very bad partner, girlfriend & friend in the past. Now i intend to become the angel i never once were.

And i miss him so much.

dearest julien arnaud

2005-03-28T00:46:00.000+08:00

for starters, i have neither pointed a gun at u nor forced unto u any form of threats, to see to it that u've to be nice to me and shower me with extra forms of attention. its on your own basis of willingness...perhaps u're just "eyes got stamp".

to the extend of exclaiming how much u do like me. well thanx, im so flattered. it is a phrase u use towards most of the girls out there. im not dumb can??? i do not appreciate the fact that u constantly like to shower me with forms of money favours - do u think i'll sleep around for money or gratitude??

i do not appreciate u giving and "sacrificing" (as u like to see it as) and expecting something back in return. this ain't how society works mr - i thought u should be street-smart enough to note that.

im sorry to say, i'm a hard cookie to crack. so if you're expecting me to reciprocate anything at all, please do not be nice to me anymore. im not a stupid naive girl. i do not think like others around my age do. if its gratitude that u're looking for - in the form of any illicit sexual favours and grants, u've got the wrong girl. i do not play such games. take it as i'm traditional.

and i do not welcome the fact that u label me as stupid when that term should be used vice versa - on you. do u think u can possibly survive well and strong with an excellent repuation and image in spore, from the way your private messed-up lifestyle is? u may be smooth, but there are always others who will pre-judge u. one advice: words spreads like fire, stop being STUPID.

perhaps in your light i'm selfish to some extend. so what? i love myself more then anything in the world now. nobody can betray themselves anyway, nor play, nor distrust, nor "lose-out" in any way. that's how cruel the world is.

as surely as i must add, i do not need to befriend any "players" or "swingers" in this small lil country. it might be a materialistic world, but contuary to that, i do not need to seek happiness in aligning myself with rich FUCKS like urself, that should only time and again, need me to constantly remind u to BEHAVE urself when u're with me.

flashing urself in the public taxi shows nothing of the sort of reputable background u are from. it only makes me perceive u as a "loose slut" if u were to be of the female gender. plus, dont think too highly of ur manhood - the color of it sucks by the way.

its the fact that i hate touchiness n indecency in any male-breed. take it as i'm alien then. my traditions and morals is something i will not subject to any form of change nor regard as indifferent and thus neglect them.

also u should stop proclaiming that u've changed in behaviour and character - from the past, becoz serena's incident just happened last week whilst clubbing. so overall, its 2 girls' claims of what a "bitch" u are against u - the verdict leans towards the majority?

the truth? i see u as sucha dirty old pervert, it kills all my enthusiasm just to receive any form of communication from u. my mood seems to become intensely "sian" thereafter.

i'm pissed. i do not need u to judge nor evaluate about my past relationships because u know nothing about me, nor tried to even get to know a single trait i possess becoz all that's in ur filty scumbag mind is - sex sex sex.

try harder on the pick-up lines and the different ways to suggest outings with girls. somehow, words that enter my ears seem feignly familiar. to think u have the cheek to continuosly deny the fact that u're sucha player and flirt period. its agonizing and ridiculous trying to have a decent conversation with you.

stop bothering me lahhhh.... irritating blockhead.

so what if i distrust u? what forms of trust can i rely on? i trust my own instincts better then any other ppl's. u sld read up on books that teaches u on "how to get others to earn your trust".

last but not least, avoid trying to coax me any further. take it as i'm not interested in u. not at all. i was looking for friendship, but i gotta whole lot of crap out of u, which only made me more stressed out.

go figure.

re-evaluate your decisions to your real goals and actions taken. because your underlying intentions will never go along with mine. moreover, i hate ang moh dicks.

point taken?

reminiscences

2005-03-26T16:58:00.000+08:00

its funny how reminiscences pulls u into the direction of direct rebellion.

i saw him, as handsome as ever, as manly as i could always remember him to be... back facing me. yet the girl beside him, in the midst of a deep conversation with, wasnt me at all.

behind the blue veil, my fingers trailing its delicate threaded lining, i gazed at him from afar... so longing to go up and hug him from behind... like i always used to in the past...

being able to hold him, feel his chest rise and fall with his deep breathing.

i miss him. its tearing me apart.

this game - i lose

2005-03-22T23:58:00.000+08:00

now he said it all... like one single deft motion...

no more chats, calls, outings,

(coz he just hates me - conclusive)

msn - blocked
irc - ignore
sms - ignore
phonecalls - talk very fierce and rudely
outings - nil (becoz all his dear friends disapprove of it + his mum)

sometimes i wonder y he makes everything so difficult. cant it be just like black and white.

as simply put forth... why forfeit everything all the sudden?

i lost him...

even his girl friends have a more obliging relationship with him now... able to date him out every twice a week...

how cruel and unfair it all seems... seeing him chatting away eagerly, contented with another chick, who can taken over my place in his eyes and heart.

-once close but yet so far away now-

brave lil me

2005-03-21T18:57:00.000+08:00

after what seems like a series of unfortunate events that occured --> Lost ID, HP, security cards, love, trust... almost lost my keys... rejection in the face, violent acts, doubt, regret, sorrow...

i can finally feel glad that i've derived a day where i'm completely delightful... not that joyess times are all in terms of feeling hyperactive and energetic...

like my bones are creaking... that i'm aging real fast...

the beginning of today was torturing... but eventually it got better as the day went on..

received my papers today... really happy at my results... Aced it through even though i hadnt study much... smart ppl dun study?! always have that phrase in mind...

late catching up with cohiba aka big "ah meng" aka monkeyboy, with his usual LV sling bag, his puurrfectly styled mane, his moustache that threatens to poke the next one who kisses him, dressed in black overall (as usual)...

proceeded to start on my dream venture to beautify my belly... which i did... in a matter of minutes, quiet and calm (though there was the slight scringing and the seconds of being stunned - mind blank, when the needle went through)

this is how gorgeous it looks like... for the few who appreciates bodyarts only...

i love it. this step begins the journey towards being selfish and loving only ME & I- "how to appreciate and cherish myself"... period.

money-chasing him

2005-03-20T19:30:00.000+08:00

everybody's changing...

money chasing, fickle-headed & selfish desires of their own wants.

Why does it seem that there is no more humanity left in this world?

he has turned into something i can hardly recognise. that wasnt the type of guy i once knew and loved. does everything just fall back to the simplicity in memories thus?

once he's morals and dignity, his pride and his character was so admirable. bowing none to that of the materialistic world - money and power was not something he craved for so dearly back then.

he treasured those who were genuine, those who had good deep down in their heart, those who he can really call as friends.

now he contemplated the odds of survival in this modernity-sucking-junkies-filled planet we call earth, he's personality becoming cold and heartless - perceived only those who are of use to him...

then he does extra good, extra favours and extra effort to dwell in the pretence game - play and flirt hard... all just for the wealth, the opportunites those new becomings can return to him in favour.

he sees everybody as objects which may or may not aid in his greed for wealth. he has travelled miles, across years of living in this filthy scumbag world yet at the end of it, all those experiences resulted in him becoming like all the rest of the bastards alike - cunning, scheming and deceitful.

is all that worth it? where is the pureness, the innocence and the genuinity in all his present circle of friends? why is there the need to make use, cheat, lie and obtain in this exchange of emotional gaming - the presence of monetary gain? is money all he ever loves for?

eat, sleep and so dearly pin onto its existence...

yes im wholly disappointed. never in my chance have i ever gotten to see his change black & white untill now... till he could now forgo all our past joys and memories, rid of all feelings for me... telling me all these changes through physical hurt.

as he slapped the senses out of me, till i was a goner, and when i resurfaced from the dark black dream i was in - realising he had turned violent on me... i'd rather die then live on to see the old him - swinging happily. love is selfish. i'm selfish enough to forgo my life to prove my undying love.

i cannot let go of the past... i cannot move on... cant stop myself from loving him for whom he is, not for the things he can give me in return, not for the things he possesses, but an unconditional love - an agape, which is hardly something he needs now, or so he says.

that killed my heart in the flash. my face still stings of all the abuse he brought onto me that night, my body cut and bruised and in pain. and my head probing with a very bad migraine - a fever that doesnt seem to subside...

who knows me now? who can i really find in the future? since simple-loving and simple-giving is nothing. i lost the capacity to love. i lost the hope that there is someone real out there nonetheless even if he so puts forth - he's a loner that doesnt need any loving, attention, care & concern nor non-obliging emotions from anyone.

what i have now is memories of a very sweet kind. that when i was younger and more naive... there was this certain charming guy... who swept me off my feet... who looked not a gold or status, but saw and loved the wholesome truth in me... he was ideally the most attractive... coz he stooped not to sly acts of deceiving and detested those who wore a mask in front of others.

but now... he's the ugliest person on earth... like the few ugly ones i know... money-chasing, making use of those few richies, ignoring those who he could not benefit from... wearing a mask each n every day, enjoying the fooling around. smiling and giggling to certain rich girls, as he used to be towards me - but it is becoz he is in the "game" and loving every minute of it.

i understand why now he never wants to chat with me for more den 5 secs... i give him nothing in return, being with me ties him down, committment is something not needed by him.

being a free sparrow now, he's responsible to no one and nothing. he has grown so selfish that it has blinded him from the good of the world. where's all the ideals and morals he once held strongly to?

im utterly disappointed. broken from the dreams, stepped into reality. those slaps he projected unto me... will always n forever be... a reminder of how unfair the world is... agape love is nothing compared to the greed man has for wealth.

the truth of the world. who said that one reaps what he sows? becoz i sowed my heart and everything i could give, but i reaped only wrath, abuse and a reality that banishes me into a state of denial. An escapist.

happy birthday to me

2005-03-18T03:37:00.000+08:00

sluggish wormy me. crawled outta bed reaching for my hair "scrunges". tied my locks up in a very tight bun trying to perk myself up.

blasted the radio - Lush 99.5fm. sensual grooves filling the room, leaking into the bath. showered and rushed through beautifying myself. 45 mins in the making. my eyes still felt droopy - had trouble with the eyeliner and mascara.

TIRED!!!!

hopped onto the cab. amazing comment from the driver - missy me is a tai-tai going shopping at Paragon. there is no such truth in that remark.

alighted at Paragon, jostling my back-breaking bone-crunching self towards the basement. why do i feel suddenly older and more like an auntie? it must be the CK Jeans pants i was in.

met D & N outside Soup restaurant. they're the only pair (out of the whole congregation of the past 8 fellos) that's left in my lines of communication. i only stick by this 2 like glue.

their nature and scope of personalities jingles rightway alongst mine. we were gd friends since ayons... even with a few white hairs peeking through our brightly coloured fashionable hair-dos now.

i love bitching and yakking with them. sharing our tales and mis-endevours, gossips and interests, on-going hits & misses.

Chinese food was great... loved the ginger sesame oil-dripping chicken, the sweet yet juicy claypot toufu, the tasty bee hoon, the yummy sambal kang-kong... and the crysanthemum tea!

funny how things changes in the twinkle of an eye. from an innocent naive school girl i once was, to a full-fledge woman inclined to disbelief ever utter from ones who take on my distrust.

seeing little Orchard road after many many months of secluded hideout from the usual daytime hustle and bustle - i do feel weird.

its been a long time since missy's been pushed to having to comb the streets there, under the humid scorching sun, perspiring yet having to look glam, feeling the heat under my clothes even my undies... this has certainly gotta be one of the sweet undying memories (most often or not) growing teens have - the after school "orchard adventures".

scowling at all the school kids in pinafores, mass-produced fugly uniforms of the most obscene colour combinations, their behaviours turning me off wholly - yet remembering i was once like that. reality hits. i was Ancient all the sudden.

hugging gdbye to N, prodding on with D, had coffee as our tea-break, Gossiping away again. This time it was abt "how to really wake up and smell the fresh air - get hitched in a matter of months without any illicit difficulties".

advices, comments, anger (from me at her plight) & long-term goals and solutions put on the table there n then. i really love this girl.

then my phone rang. A delivery man sent something to my doorsteps. stunned. rushed home. undeniably surprised and amused. thanx to Syn here.

utterly grateful. has my 2 favourite flowers in it. overjoyed. my room smelled pleasantly aromatic. the scent of fresh lilies in bloom, under the mist of roses fragrance. sweet & romantic.

dinner was a blast. i love my family. bro bought me the sweetest present i've received from him so far - a golden inscribed silk scarf. mum got me the tastiest cake ever - my favourite chocolate mousse on top an extra crispy wafer.

the meal was heavenly - the meal felt right, even if the food wasn't the most expensive one i've taken, but eating around a table with my family, sharing the different pieces of steaks, salad, oysters, soups... family bonding.

gone were the past cheap talks, replaced by more humourous, down-to-earth & basics, sharing experiences and on-goings with each other... this is probably so since we've all grown up so much.

the night ended with B.F popping over to share a slice of delicious cake, fiddle and poke fun at my bitch coco, then proceeded with a leisure drive, stopping at Mr Beans midway for supper and drinks.

he looked cute today. boyish and impressionable. funny how different male-breed enters my home and my mum orders me into my bra and a more decent attire whilst with him it was as always - my dressdown nightie. cool.

well... happy birthday to myself.

growing old was never a choice but a matter of how prepared i am to face what's coming next.

loving the attention these past few days, indulging in the moment - a selfish desire of mine.

however will always detest the physical results derived from the aging process.

Morton's & Blading

2005-03-16T03:48:00.000+08:00

i'm really tired. muscle aches yet feeling rejuvenated.

kept my part of the deal and met up with J for dinner, he changed his plans of having thai food at Boat Quay this afternoon whilst chatting with me and said he had booked someplace nice elsewhere... which is not for me to know until the very last min.

J brought me to Morton's. i was stunned. questioned him if he had read my blog - he denied (shrugging his shoulders). well, how coincidental.

yes the whole dinner process was once in a lifetime experience i'll hardly forget. one word says it all - awesome! i'm utterly grateful that he is willing to be sucha sweetie and make me feel like a princess over dinner.

intoxicating abundent satisfaction over the food served - my tastebuds was literally jovial and "high". imagine that kinda feeling?? unbelievable. the service was excellent - contuary to the norms i've been experiencing. the butler cum waiter spoke and reiterated the whole menu smoothly as if it was a rhyme, entertaining indeed. though i was seeing stars and question marks (?) most of the time - unable to decipher what he was chirping about under his accent.

the ambience spoke for itself - posh, classy, sophisticated. i feel almost guilty for him being so tremendously nice to bring me there for dinner (see previous entry). yes awfully guilty - why is he so darn nice to me... im juz a plain jane.

though i had a kickass time dining, the mood was spoilt when i informed him of plans after dinner where i was going blading. immediately his face changed. solemn and stern "well, hurry finish up, won't want you to be late for blading".

that was weird. he sounded like i was his girlfriend. yes he sounded pissed. i was extremely puzzled at that thereafter.

is going for an exercise routine after so long quite mistakenly wrong? perhaps he had other plans after dinner with me... but he specifically told me its dinner only beforehand.

his smses were full of sarcasm thereafter whilst i was on wheels.

"that's very good for u, make digestion easier... i will go jogging tomorrow... hope u enjoyed the dinner... sorry it took so long ya. next time, just tell me how much time we have and i'll bring u to a food court to speeed up things ya..."

"am i so boring that u have to make plans after that?"

erm... that sounds really like he was annoyed.... why was i in fault??

comprehending that... perhaps he wanted some company after dinner to chit chat, or maybe after dinner drinks?? maybe... though his tone of sarcasm put me off literally, smouldering the after-effects of contentment from an excellent meal...

i should be able to do what i want, when i want coz thats the freedom i desire and deserve... thats what implications singlehood is to me... until my B.F. nods his head in agreement to any future partners in my path.

i think any of the ones whom i should start having affections for in terms of status wise have to undergo a thorough examination and test by my B.F. - that's best friend for short.

im just not willing to listen to my own heart now and dwindle in more mistaken-identity crisis nor failed-dumped senerios.

point noted on that.

blading after a heavy meal felt good. crapping after a heavy meal with a fag in my hand felt even better.

ok so back to blading... the wind in my face, the strain on my thighs and butt - working them out... the sweat sliding down my forehead, chest and back, the adrenaline pumping into my head. SHIOK!!!

best friend brought his blades to accompany after awhile - his NEW BLADES.

why am i not envious that it looks darn nice and stylish? but a good blade on an average blader speaks no good performance - obviously im much more skilled on wheels then him! HAHAHAHA

Then we took a rest - ok 3 times in the whole wheeling process coz he's a fatty who can't move well on 8 wheels (TOO HEAVY!).

look at the amount he sweats! horrid...

B.F said i was well behaved tonight - not as barbaric nor CHOR LOR... here comes my transformation into a lady i suppose.

then... best friend K.Oed! as in Knocked Out!

lousy.

so i took the liberty to perform a good advert documentation of how a good nose should look like: -for Xtreme makeover fans only-

wishlist 2005

2005-03-14T17:36:00.000+08:00

my birthday wishlist:
1) Patek Philippe - Rose gold 5036 version

2) Belly piercing

3) O2 mini

4) Fully paid shopping expedition - need plenty of new shoes!!!

5) Treatment and hair coloring at Tony n Guys

6) Zouk membership card

7) Driving lessons

8) Dinner at Morton's - lobster and steak

9) Bikini and leg waxing x 3 times

10) Night partying at Attica's or Zouk

amazing experience

2005-03-12T17:35:00.000+08:00

im impressed... every girl has her own unique way of experiences that can blow her mind away i presume.

julien is a sweetie. popping over his place... was mind-blowing. his interior decor, his taste of balinese style, chix yet upbeat, his love of tranquility in life, his remarkable sense of balance when it comes to placing of all this lovely astounding paintings, furniture and well - down to the very last detail ornaments - my breath was taken away. i know a perfectionist when i see one.

then there was the dinner which he whipped up (under my supervision - not stressful at all huh?) trememdously efficiently - seafood cream based pasta with fat tiger prawns and juicy scallops, matched with spinached pasta and a tinge of safron, dill and lotsa pepper - gorgeous to the eyes and tasty in my mouth.

dining at the balcony of his cosy bachelor's pad can ideally be deemed - one of the most romantic evenings out if my entire life so far. alongst with good conversations, excellent cruisine - fine ingredients that has flavours lingering in ur tastebuds... one word for it - WOW.

after the filling of my famished belly, we got down to some drinks - baileys on the rocks (?) and preview his DVD system's capabilities - it really feels like being in the movies!

i made him dress down for the night out partying... he looks cute casually dorned. sneakers and a black polo T, clean shaven and smelling exotically intoxicating... i love a good men's colonge... heck with the brandeds and the stylish... ours was as i would like it to be, a dress-down weekend of letting our hair loose and pure partying.

hopped over in a cab towards velvet with his blond friend - which i cannot quite decipher his name becoz of his thick french accent, but detoured to attica - they insisted it was more "happening" there???

as u guessed... male-bondings of the heart-to-heart kind, where they were all speaking in their native hometown language - french (with me having (?????) in my mind) i cannot TAHAN them speaking something im not adapted to understand!!

the night felt right, though i would really love to feel a little taller, amongst the sea of caucasians, i felt like a dwarf?? but i stood by my roots, REFUSING in anyway to dub any form of accent nor slang - i'm a a proud singaporean

julien is cool - we had alot of drinks as he most often of so would enquire "wanna drink something?" lychee martinis, strawberry magerita, beer, tequila and whatever he was drinking *shrugs*

i like the way his eyes speaks - intense yet light-hearted and jovial. i like the way he mingles and somehow manages to make me feel at home with all his foreign mates - suave but sutle.

time and again through that night, i enquired "so... why do u like me again?" and his coy and sheepish smile would be accompanied by an awkward but cute reply "coz u're miss charming, i like the way ur eyes are, i like the way ur character is, i like the way u do things..."

lol i tink i dun even know his last name yet... nor when his birthday is or what he likes and dislikes, his habits, his way of life, this is an understatement... i hate rushing into things... as smooth as this journey can get... i'll prod on the road cautiously... paranoid and pessimistic abt everything no matter how smooth it all seems to be.

a friend said to me "you blog all the things that u say... but its the very fact... u're in denial! u're very much afraid of getting urself hurt again... tts why all these crap surfaces... thats why u are what u are today... jumpy and distrustful of everyone, suspicious and a negativist!"

true true... that opened my eyes alot after his insulting yet honest, from-the-heart dissection of missy me. everyone's got bad experiences that we have to forgo our happiness and dreams juz to tread over them... a big obstacle that affects our after-life...

sometimes i can sucha bore... even if many insisted i was too fun-loving and wild. i know it deep down in me... just like how many eyelashes i have on me... (yes i am bored enough to go count them individually).

i hate u

2005-03-10T17:36:00.000+08:00

pretty endearing stuff...
im sucha a picky slut.
i should go bang a wall and fuck a spider

i hate u for leading me on..
i hate u for leaving juz like that after that
i hate u for cheating my emotions
i hate u for shuffling away from the moments i wanna confront wif it
i hate u for hiding behind the curtain veil of pretence and deception
i hate u for ignoring my phonecalls juz as u say u're bz
i hate u for delegating every weird happenings to the reason that i was behind it
i hate u for lying to me right in the face

i hate u for raising ur temper at me
i hate u for letting me down
i hate u for giving me thousand and one reasons why u just dowan to haf a gf
i hate u for reminding me of the past
i hate u for deceiving me into falling so deeply for u yet u turn around after all that charms and give me a flat "NO" in the face
i hate u for all the sweet things u done for me only to deem them purely insignificant
i hate u for being MR nice guy to everyone
i hate u for making me suffer what im feeling now
i hate u for allowing me to distrust all men in the world BECOZ OF U!
i hate u for being so happy with others yet so unhappy around me
i hate u for wanting only to be friends with me w/o giving me chance!!!

Am i so undesirable?

dreams of an older me

2005-03-09T04:31:00.000+08:00

stirred & awoken, dressed and popped over (un-notified) bought lunch for him, caught him by surprise - he took it with gratitude. i love to see his fresh yet sleepy look on his face every time he wakes up... something that charms...

i sat beside him pubbing tonite... feeling his distant warmth of his body against the bare skin of my forearm. intense. urges to reach n lie on his broad shoulders, urges to hug him suddenly.

i only gone so far as to let my fingers walk on his desirable back... fearing he'll be mortified if i gone any further.

i miss the past where i could be close to him fuss-free... from simple caresses to the tender bear hugs.

then out of the blue, halting from the emotions, memories of the past that were then flooding into my mind (after spending almost the whole day n night in his companionship) started to cease and turn grey.

instead, i started recoursing what everything would probably turned out if i was an older woman, a much mature & wiser lady, one with elegance and sophistication. that thought kept me tru' the whole night's accessories - beer, cigerettes, pool and karaoke.

What would i give to turn back time?

i hate regrets yet dwindle on them.

perhaps all the mis-handling of affairs, all the petty arguments, all the streaks of purple & blues, of red and green, and of the temperatures hot or cold, would be deemed passe and inadequate if i was older...wiser...calmer...guarded...conniving...

then he would love me more then what he did in the past... because i was a mature adult not a tempremental child that he has to oversee, protect and educated on how to be rational and likeable.

then everything that occurred after that would seem devastatingly impossible... there wouldn't be a break-up, bitter painful seperation, there wouldn't be any distance at all between us.

why didn't i realise that earlier and grow inwardly into a more beautiful me?

i sat there on the couch, he lingered near discussing business agreements with his o'pal that had popped by... everything felt as if it were like the past... i sat there beside him, like a tamed cat waiting patiently, quietly sipping my drinks, dragging in my smoke, like we were before - a couple.

then there were periods he adjoined at the bar with an individual pal of his, where i could sit in a dilated-mode, eyes unfocused as my concentration got twisted around till my vision became a mist (try unfocusing ur eyesight and linger ur thoughts on deep issues to experience what i felt), my mind filled with thoughts of "what if".

as if deja vu wasn't bad enough, that moment felt like something out of a matrix film where reality hits the imaginary on cue.

i reached for his memo book - with all its neat calendars and his own artwork schedules, of idealistic plannings on his business strategy and timings, and flipped it awkwardly to the different dates that meant something remarkably unique in my whole twenty something life. taking a breather in between each dates, i penned in it, what my heart really wanted and yearned for... him.

when we left, my mind continued to spin around the provocative thought of wanting to hold his hand... believing that what i felt in that dimly lit secluded pub was something he had felt too... well apparently not.

sat in the public train (left and disappeared right after he tugged his hand away from my grasps in desperate annoyance and disbelief of that very action i performed earlier) - which used to be a norm in the past but is contradictorily different now?

i was broken to bits.

tears welled up in my eyes, threatening to smug my mascara though it was waterproof, i tilted my face towards the door, avoiding eye contacts with the other passengers, my body unnervingly bold and ignorant to public scrutiny as i felt tears roll down my cheeks, never-ending tears that i had to, time-n-again, quietly wipe from my shivering chin.

but i sobbed in solace, i wept my real ME out because it was afterall a very hard long day... of pretending & feigning optimism in front of him.

in that train's cabin, my real self surfaced somehow, tears of silent torment felt and of the resilient love i have for him. its painful to love yet see an empty bag of emotions in front of u that the person possesses.

i bought him a wallet for Prosperity in the months and years ahead. we chinese folks believe, parting with a significant resemblance of money - a wallet, meant giving your wealth up to the other person, which was seen as a silly act.

i wish for his happiness, in aspects of monetarily affairs, taking a gamble on that superstition.

a gift for a special date each month (8th of every month) - in my foresight and utterly silly leap of faith.

being attractive

2005-03-08T15:04:00.000+08:00

having irrational voices shooting arrows in the direction of me. rather stick by the undiabolectical "trusty" domain which i uphold in diligence. this suckers know nuts about a women's fashioning world - but they beg to differ wanting to be sighted "the experts in la-fem-nikita aka "what will be my own attractive persona~".

sherry``> wad is ur view on make up
QiuXiang> make up is as long as u happy
QiuXiang> dont care wat others say

that's the spirit! delusional guys who think "natural is best" employs the worst perception ever. unless a frog can get any more attractive, please refrain from dissecting the female breed of "you're nothing without make-up" - xiaxue.

nobody's borned with the bling-blink aura, perfectionist sighted pop-stars resembles nor the more then often visits to the plastics of a certain league of local artists.

-------------------------------------------------
cue number one - guys, no matter what, pls refrain from subjecting the women from a scrutinizing disput on the way she does her artwork upon her face.

cue number two - do not in any way, outwardly perceive her dress-sense as reflective of a mohawk in china - alien to all. also please blunder away the need to say "less-is-more" exposing large amounts of skin does not necessarily help in exluding the women's sexiness (if only for your eyes, save the public from mental torture).
-------------------------------------------------

as if curiousity kills anything more den the spirit of intense liking - men who chance upon their female counterparts, undress, plain, make-up removed, most often or not shudder at the sight of - witchsightings??

have u ever heard - the rumour that a certain lady, scrambling out of bed every wee morning hours of the day, juz to beautify herself before her partner awakes, fearing which he might suffer from a heart attack if otherwise??

pure torturous.

maybe some ain't fully equipped with the artwork in their whole physic - face and fashion apparels. thats where this comes in --> mediacorpstudies.com/glam

its never too late to start on attempting pure exuberant joy in DIY - i find every chore of beautifying myself delightful, an pure artist at work towards perfectionism.

to ladies: know your faults, envision ur positive traits, then magnify the good side of oneself, so that it makes up for the bad traits.

good tactics for a blowjob

2005-03-06T16:59:00.000+08:00

1) make sure he washes it thoroughly... with fragrant soap... pulling the foreskin back and cleansing the pee-dried area. also make sure the pubes and balls are smelling good too (won't want u to vomit or gag when u're down-under) - if he refuses, DIY for him... he'll take it with pleasure.

2) lie him on the bed (best position for full-time employement only) legs outstretched and open almost as far apart as his shoulder-length.

3) he'll probably be stiff-hard now (for erectile dysfunctionals: best of luck to girls/guys/he-she out there... there's still time to reach for medication) start by holding onto his manhood firmly by the root, gently moving up & down whilst pulling his foreskin slowly (if he is circumsized u can skip this) back.

4) circle ur tongue over his penis head lightly, hand still holding onto it (if its too small... u can juz give up now)

5) start the sucking motion lightly and gently, each time moving it in a little deeper den before, then sucking harder then before.

6) tongue in mouth rubbing against the head of the shaft, tongue gently rubbing against the ejeculating fore-front aka the urethra, lightly but having momentus periods of more extreme friction (if extra sensitve refrain from doing so in case he cries)

7) he should be moving his hips and clutching his ass by now (accompanied with rapid breathing and fast heartbeat) take away your saliva-laden mouth and swallow, then stick your tongue out and encircle his shaft's head seductively slowly(all the while looking at him and his reaction)

8) move down his shalf with your tongue tracing his penis lightly until u reach his balls (if its covered in awkward amounts of hair u can forget abt this step) lightly sucking on it then moving down to the base of his balls and licking the middle point between them

9) move back up to his penis and start sucking again lightly n gradually increasing in pressure continuously (remember to swallow saliva in between), hand holding the base and in a one-time motion on the count of 4, wank the penis for a period of one minute max each time.

10) must inform him to let u know when he ejeculates pre-handedly (so that u can have a choice whether to have it in your mouth or on a tissue paper)

pondered thoughts

2005-03-04T03:53:00.000+08:00

he's not interested in me anymore. i see it through his sullen eyes, his bleak expression when interacting with me. plus he lied even over simple facts like what he is doing at the moment.

said to my face "i got the choice whether to talk to u or not"

goes the same way abt what is the truth i presume.

yes, its been almost 2 months since we parted. i still can't bring myself to accept that fact.

in the blink of an eye, i've dozens of suitors, millions of perverted suckers & a zillion bastards skirt-chasing me... for?

having to oppress my deepest desire just to hold him in my arms - that feeling just sucks big time (more then if u failed ur exams miserably)

he's grown much thinner now, repressed in his own realms of bachelorhood that i guess he is enjoying so darn much. however so, i don't see a single sign of pure happiness in his vision - i've known him long enough to see through his colors and reality.

is he really happy now alone, single & swinging? is all the color drained from his expressionless face due to his pressurizing workload to perform for this year ahead?

enquired if he were to be on holidays - thailand, with me earlier on, all travel expenses fully paid for by me. i'm a dumb block-head to sacrifice so much - so says u readers. wonder if he were to accept or decline my invitation.

im experiencing hormonal imbalance these days (shortform: the PMS disaster).

prolong undescribably ill-fated singlehood for 2 months have wreaked havoc in my physical and mental state. almost proclaiming my stance - as a new-borned virgin again, i gladly conclude that... i'll rather sex-change then be a woman for any longer period.

how do i bed another one who might enter into my life once more - when all i can recall and think of when fucking my partner... is him?? its a fate worst then death. MISERABLE MISERABLE!

i saw him - lying on his side upon his comfy bed, his hips jutted out and his legs were thinner then i imagined them to be. his once there cute-tad belly was all gone, and so was whatever meat there used to be on his upper body.

thick eyebags and a very pale complexion, my heart ached at the sight of him. wished i could just reach out my hands to pull him into my bosoms, feeling his warmth against my chest... hearing his deep breathing and heartbeat once again.

now all i could do was to openly invite him - a friendly brief hug which he did obliged but unwillingly, with the facial description... of well, i can jus conclude - pure annoyance??

but being courteous as ever to anyone he knew (his philosophy based on friendships) he let me close into his chest time and again as we bid goodbye... i didn't dare hug tightly nor cling onto his broad shoulders/frame long, fearing to incur his wrath or plain awkwardness? he didn't circle his arms around me either. proof enough of reluctance on his part.

he still wears the ring i bought for him specially on v-day. it stands out - a silver-shining-beacon, of the hope i have to rekindle his passion for me. so is all the decorations in his room - the stuffs displayed on his walls, shelves and my precious toy-cow that i gave to him.

i recall explicit details of how he maintained his "cool" whenever i blew my temper at him. or how he managed to digress from my demanding bitchiness in attitudes that most guys will juz let & run loose from.

perhaps on the surface, there is much that others would deem him being unsuitable for me and "oh blunder" myself for my stupidity on wanting a hooked-up life with him still. i can only say - he's incredibly passive and tolerant towards my horrendous behavioural acts/display of feminist delegations.

ok so i wholly regret how i treated him back then. it takes an undeniably twist of fate to unwind and undo all the hurt and mess i've caused in his life before he can even think about welcoming me back into his life(?) or not.

so now i learnt to watch my temper,
learnt to forgo my spoilt-natured temprement,
learnt to control my emotions and avoid confrontations,
learnt to put up a smile even when the irritance level in me is too high to be covered-up,
learnt to smoke away my anxieties and paranoial,
learnt to walk away from an outburst of tears or scornfulness.

-------------------------------------------------------------

next entry: remind me to discuss on the good tactics of "how to perform a good blowjob"

Wisdom

2005-03-01T18:13:00.000+08:00

if i made u irritated/annoyed in the past - sorry.

u view all my bad points like black against white - very clearly.

i never once assummed u were lying when u told me the reasons for breaking up - until now.

u turned a whole new light into my vision - i see n understand now.

im a naive idiot - u've ignited the maturity in me.

u toyed me n played my heart around - den chucked it aside ungraciously.

no one can force another to do something out of their own free will - neither can i.

if u're happy as on ur own - im glad for u.

when u really found the true one - i wish sincerely all the best.

its hard to stumble onto a rare genuine love - one like i have for u.

though it's painful but i still give u all my blessings in the future - love is giving.

hopeful towards getting u back - but it is clearly uncalled for.

its an impossible thing - u always be bias against me from now on.

pretencious nonchalant acts put up by me - to seem unhurt.

not hate for me - but pure dislike and contempt.

that happens when everything else blurs - even the past feelings.

u disgust at my sight - even my calls.

u will never return to my side - its all empty dreams.

the reality suks - i admit being star-gazed at u even till now.

u're nothing, really, not the best looks nor status - i must be under some spell(?)

u mind secrets - i mind openness

u hate questions - i like being questioned

u sprout vulgarities n malicious words at me - i received in silent obligations.

it all ends here - where i suffer a fall in pride-load.

u love freedom - i love chains.

u are everything the "ying" - im the "yang"

i dunno how to treat a boyfriend right/correctly/justifiably - u're right.

i'm a failure when it comes to such things - i just suk.

so regret all u can for wasting time wif me - that we had happened so fast and ended quick too.

know u hate reading - so i'll stop here.

i love u so much - so what?

SCB

2005-02-28T01:43:00.000+08:00

drag-queen or demure...

i've swopped a whole wardrobe of new barang barangs...
like i bot over a whole shop's of variant whore-wears(?)
shall try to refrain from bragging like a purple-butt peacock
shall stop at "new clothes aplenty... different matches for every single day of the year"
snortified enough?

close to becoming the SCB aka standard chartered bank aka -?????????-
-------------------------------------------------------

trying to appear smooth, happy, glam.

but i still.... horribly...****ed

I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM!

dwelling on past events, like its food i craved so dearly - like tobasco covered oysters??

"if u get more hurt when u see me den u better dun see me anymore"

"don't treat me like a boyfriend now k... i'm single... if i dowan to answer ur calls means i dowan"

"i only wan to work... i dun haf time to think abt relationship"

"i anybody oso dowan... i only wan money... i dun need a gf... i dowan to tok abt love... i dowan to kiss n hug if not it will make me tink alot... i wan to focus on my work one only"

sardonic as ever, the last conversation with him scored bull'seye... my guts ran all over.

how can he treat me like this when we had a bloody history together before?!
how can he be NUMB to everything and really forget how close we were once?!
its insanely moronic.... comparable to cold-blooded monster... bloody murderous.

---------------------------------------------------------

my exams here these week.
i HATE exams.
this ain't me?
why am i coped up mugging the daylight away?
intelligent people DUN STUDY!

called to seek his strong cohesive manly-vibbed yet understanding voice and patient tantrum(?)in bidst of revoking my stress openly to someone who knows me very well...

only to begin the bloody "..." with you yelling barbaric tones that describes "i know u hate my existence" at me jus becoz .... oh well you hate me.

so i didn't manage to find a listening ear... n i wanna break lose break out break free so hard i wanna fuck the god daylights out of any freaking malebreed.

----------------------------------------------------------

its a darn pretty ideal world... where's all the fucked up idoling at?

one lengthy Sunday school lesson...
view it as a lesson for today?

discovery
To many minds, the origin of sin and the reason for its existence are a source of great perplexity.

They see the work of evil, with all its terrible results of woe and desolation and they question how all this can exist under the sovereignty of One who is infinite in wisdon, in power and in love.

here is a mystery of which they find no explanation. In their uncertainty and doubt, they are blinded to truths plainly revealed in God's word and essential to salvation.

There are those who, in their inquiries concerning the existence of sin, endeavour to search into that which God has never revealed; hence they find no solution of their difficulties and such as are actuated by a disposition to doubt and cavil seize upon this as an excuse for rejecting the worlds of Holy Writ.

others however, fail to a satisfactory understanding of the great problem of evil, from the fact that tradition and misinterpretation have obscured the teaching of the Bible concerning the character of God, the nature of His government and the principles of His dealing with sin.

-----------------------------------------------------------

i was never a good student in Sunday school nor high in attendance scores lately in church though.

-----------------------------------------------------------

F was nice today. had no idea whether his on-off crappy laid-back-chit-chats were one way of reeking my slightest bit on interest in him.

no im NOT going to allow any fuggers be my rebound-ment.

interests comparably different from ayons ago.
play, flirt, hide-n-seek, twist-n-turn, break-n-run.

why do i sound faintly familiar...like a sinister scratch???

------------------------------------------------------------

restraining is not the best option. letting loose and it naturally bounces back into ur grasps.

*FUGLY WEIRD LOGIC*

meek & lazy

2005-02-22T14:49:00.000+08:00

S.P. rang me up suddenly at noon when i was still half in slumberland with my favourite fantasy gigolo. he asked me for MAMBO-ing session tml at zouk, and added there'll be hotstuffs there - ruggers full-bred. sld i or sldn't i??

my hp is acting all grisly n weird since that night i whamped it against the wooden floor (fits of anger and lost consciousness), it fell into pieces jus like all the glass and crystals that was once in my room. i should move onto plastics from now.

--------------------------------------------------------------

F's been giving me consistent calls each night - enquiring abt my daily activities and the next day's plans... why do i sense he's behaving like a boyfriend already! gave me a very lame pick-up line for another obnoxious date with him - "i think we sld pop over chomps this week again... i miss the sugarcane juice..."

so i doubt he really misses sugarcane. u can get that stuff even at Giants and supermarkets - freshly squeezed. but i played along with him, playing as hard as i could (i'm running into a wall and smashing myself against it - suicide) "well ok, as long as monday till sunday's array of girlsfriends don't have me falling into the slot of friday saturday and sundays. anything else is ok"

i tot i heard him wheeze the slightest bit in response to my frankness as he blurted a slight laughter (jus trying to ease the tension from the conversation). hardly give a damn though.

"you should be proceeding to call up girlfriend C, D & E now... bye"

---------------------------------------------------------------

had small talks with someone earlier on, contradictory its easier for me to chat up distant friends then those close to the heart? perhaps expressive enough in here but speechless and filled with anxiety, nervousness when i hear his voice (gasps!) where's the confident me hiding in?

---------------------------------------------------------------

so its more enjoyable for the guy when i ride him... or so i was told. the sensation is different? professionalism or plain concidental that i managed the tactics to fuck their minds into outer space. then again... i rather be lazy and lie there enjoying the moment. im sucha pig. not forgetting i get muscle aches halfway through the procedure, especially when the dude is a marathon expert.

alright, i'm a weakling when it comes to strenous intensive collaboration of give-n-take. i jus like to take (or receive).

biggest turn-off still and will always be - excess saliva and foreplay.

Fast-food is always better and preferred in someways or the other.

so is violence under the blankets... yes i love biting raw flesh. but its one-tailed/sided.

fateful day - 11 august 2003

2005-02-21T01:36:00.000+08:00

Sex wasn't great the first few times it happened between us. description of it? uncomfortable, rigid. however, the atmosphere struck full max - intense satisfaction. recalling the avid scene...

popping over his house in a very jovial mood. my maiden voyage over to his 3 room flat. he shared his room with his bro but he owned a double decker with his bed being the queen's size.

awkwardly, my feet stepping onto his flat's cold hard blue-splashed tiled flooring, feeling uneasy, like venturing into a lion's den? greeted by his folks polite-some remarks then tooting into his bedroom for coverage - embarrassment or shyness?

recalling it was dusk, the sun was jus setting. casting the orange beams like a romantic sunset into the average sized room, some sort feeling a little comfort as he closed the wooden door behind him - locked?

remembering my initial red heat-strung face, as he sat beside me on his cosy blue-yellow coloured bedsheets. we started kissing. the lights were not turned on - we made out in the setting of the sun's rays as it grew darker when minutes passed.

his kisses were passionate, intense, saliva-ladened. i trailed my fingers across his jaw bone, the back of his neck and scrunched his hair with my fist. the atmosphere was getting too hot to handle? tongues were in and out, sucking nibbling pluckering. he touched me with strong arms - his broad shoulders then were so desirable.

should it have occured any slower, he threw off his shirt in one swift action. oh god, his belly button was the sexiest i ever seen. then he undressed me - with such high level of seduction, we were both sweaty already. rolling about the comfy bed - admist pillows n more pillows, until i was ontop of him.

seeing him in the dark, lying below me - whole and real. realising i've started to fall for him that very moment (which i hadn't before much), feeling my love start to built up that very fateful moment. i undressed him. he wriggled out of his pants like an anxious worm.

nibbling me wholly made me increased my urged to take him in. making love for the first time, feeling his hot breathe against my neck, feeling him inside me. riding his thick manhood passionately. estatic. then, he shifted and pressed his whole weight onto me as i grabbed and clung (with dear life?) to his macho shoulders, fingers walking down his spine reaching the small of his back. grabbing his naked fleshy ass in the dark, he started to hump me, banging my guts out. just the way i like it. hearing his pants beside my ears, listening to the increase beats of his heart, moaning and breathing in response to his every shuffle motion. sex never felt any better before him.

he made me shudder with desire. between all the heat and suspense, he took time to kiss my forehead. i knew i loved him after that.

then he shot out, onto my belly once then on my pubes the other time. i think we had 2 hours of continuous prolonged sex, each following the other without breaking points. sex was as good as it lasted. we could have performed the whole karmasutra (which we did following the months and days that proceeded). he was the tightest fit inside of me and prolly the best one at what i love - raw violent sex.

we laid there, exhausted & perspiring. shivering with the after effects of pure great sex. drifted off to a sweet shallow dream whilst snuggling up against his broad shoulders and holding him beside me tight. warmth, secure, lovely. it was always good when its the first time.

waking up to a very dark room, shuffling and feeling around for the handphones for light and a digital clock. he turned on the lights & we wriggled back into our clothes. so its the first time we fucked? i was awkwardly disdained. everyone's got insecurities?

trying to look as decent in the shortest period - his irritating bro pounding the door for entry into the room, i struggled to tidy my ruffled locks, powdered my smugged makeup on my saliva-dried face, adjusted my clothes.

toes touching ground zero. ventured out of his room was an utter big obstacle. afterall we had a very noisy sexcavation just hours ago. still remembered feeling the pinch of embarrassment rise in my cheeks, as we pretended normality in our behaviour, yet i knew our hearts were racing down the speedtrack. we can't hide the fact that our physical beings resembled that of an undescribable hot orgasmic shoot-out earlier on.

from then on, sex grew more comfortable. i guess, initial sex was always, comparable to the following ones, most enticing and spicy - however uncertain. but i yearn comfortable sex more then the tremour of pure suspense. because sex with a stranger never feels right to me. until the stranger grows into someone close to your heart.

sex will evolve from just being a word with superficial actions, into an act that is special - making love.

kiss n tell

2005-02-19T13:47:00.000+08:00

i'm a bad girl.

entering his home, greeted by all his merry-o-some folks - his mum, always ever asking myself to be buried in a sumptious feast, his dad, in a dire state of trying to persuade him to give me the slightest bit of acknowledgement for my presence, his sis, smiling and sweet always, simple yet rich in diverse knowledge and supporting me at affairs of the heart.

yet what thus thee i seek? not superficial politeness but the realness of the warmth that i'm inclusive into this family - the TEOs.

stepping foot inside the 3 room, without him even so as turn to greet my smiling pretty face.

abundant poisonous arrows directly shooting at my heart! i viewed his ignorance from the back of his handsome ruffled up hair-do and manly incessant irritance towards me? miserable!

an hour passed, him glued to the computer screen - gaming. like jewels and diamonds were pouring out of his screen, never moving his vision anywhere else - MOTIONLESS. i sat there, completely digesting the fact that, well i'm sucha block-head... along with gutting down the pepsi twist and the wide array of chinese new year goodies his mum had pushed into my face - missy can't be impolite as to turn down each and every offer of snacks from an old lady, could i??

the hour hand clicked away. my foot tapping against the white cold tiles, my fingers etching to pinch away the hurt by my dainty fingernails. then he turned - FINALLY!

"you come already?"

".........................."

his folks were stunned too. remarking upon his unbelievable ability to be too absorb in his "games" that he never realised i had chanced upon him 1 hour ago. or is it plain pretence, him feigning ignorance, to yet again weaken my strength and will-power to appear HAPPY?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

thursday night, an unfateful event occurance. GOD DAMN IT!

F picked me up in his new automobile. brand new mind you. a sleek shiny motor purring, awaiting my presence as i hopped into it.

parked at my apartment block's bus-stop, with another older brown vehicle behind it... my neighbour???? yakking away or?? with an ugly bespectacled puggy man (or beast). she looked embarrassed and was shifting away towards the side of the door... naked from the bottom i presumed.

Right! signalling a slight smile and wave, chop chop into F's new wife. wonder how he was doing maintaining such a demanding partner - his beloved CAR.

there must be something wrong with me. genuine or not, dudes coming from successful backgrounds kills the interests in me. WHY! i should be soughting out the gems and the cream of the crop - money thus flowing into my pockets just so i open my mouth and or break a fart?

f is that kinda all-rounded chap. bright sparkling career at hand, handsome macho-istic built/face/butt - a gym guy, stable routine lifestyle - sleeps in the night and perks up in the day, HEALTHY - never touches my cigerettes and gets irritated when i puff like a chimney around him.

F could be everything a woman's dream wishes. plus more?

but pretence is pretence. how sure can one get when he's not with his eyes set on me? AhAH!! interesting facts below...

clubbing with F. well, apart from him squeezing almost every part of my ass & waist (i've made a new resolution never to wear mini's around this chap), and him offering to foot our never ending supplies of alcoholic booze, i doubt thoroughly - his sincerity in his remarks of his added interest and liking for me.

maybe i look like a brainless portrayal of bimbo. HAHA!!! the devil in me rebukes his every whispers into my ears of compliments and sweet nothings, whilst trying to lick up all my ear-wax in the same process. GROSSSS!!!

pretence on the part of a bimbo i was that night, fake "drunkenness", sexy platform dances shaking missy's bootie, upskirt display of fine legs... well and then tooting off to the loo for a pee and powder.

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here's what goes behind the scene...

F assuming i was out of the picture, went "hounding" pretty chix. HAH! expect the expected.

when finally realising i've returned from the "T" break, immediately scooted towards me like a lost puppy - YES! his expression on his face REALLY suits that description!

-refer to previous post: sniffing out the pussies in the house, TYPICAL-

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probably i'm not the sorta girl who kisses and tells.

well insulted insulted me. i shall.

sitting in almost every guy's car, i can possible fore-tell the suggestive moves for a kissing scene.

"come, let me help u with your seat belt..."

followed by?? imagination shall proceed from here.

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so i'm not a loose slut. i dun fuck come-n-go. disappointed he must be, since his bloody saliva dripping mouth and tongue was completely choking me (acting out a wolf character in a script, eating up miss little red riding hood... oh god)

WHY DO ALL HORNY MEN KISS LIKE THAT!!!!!

so F didn't score that night. poor penis must and felt VERY lonely and itchy the WHOLE night through. understandably.

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On another note: here's the sweet infant sized bouquet i received delightedly from my best friend - MR HOOOOO!!

probably the biggest i'll ever & will ever receive so far. with both of my favourite flowers inclusive!

and i didn't even sense he was going to get me such a gift, not even till the very last second when i open my main door to him. how sweet!

unrest

2005-02-16T18:36:00.000+08:00

gonna be something craze to jeopardise my restless soul. arching my back in the stilth of the night, engines purring - tiger-like, i randomly searched for my cigerettes hidden amongst my cosmetics and wide array of junk. a social stigma.

Gawd i hate the moment peek-a-boo, peeking through the side mirrors only to realise, a complete disgust. perfectly shaped eyebrows accompanied with cleanly designer-like goatee. why is he beside me? get out of here NOW!

dragging in the thick intoxicating fumes into my blackened lungs, soughting comfort & refuge, pretending nonchanlancy, joking whilst contemplating a break through the lock doors of Hell.

jostling myself up, arms outstretched, feeling seemingly like always - fat & obese, yet trying to exude confidence - every male gets weak around confidence, in reality - physically worned-out, dragging my buckling knees towards the loo, letting out as much as a morning's tide can, pulling back my hair tidying it carelessly.

said i look good with my hair loosely picked from my face, strands dangling - like a market chix. honey words as such falls deaf to my already resounding ears. why the "blingbling" language, you're just out for fun anyway.

i'm undeniably attracted to a good's man goatee as hard as i try to rebuke the silent longing for a sexy belly button adorned with roughly grown pubic hair below it. oh god.

when enquired from the other about affairs of the heart, i dodged and diverted away from it. better to be having to repress my depression. already the bar was smoked till buzzing irritants couldn't find their way around. no point hiding behind naked burning tears, all the more unworthy if wad i had in front for the moment, was a sexy beard.

gliding fingers across the pokey stiff bristles, feeling my heart shudder at the thought of past deeds, i desirably earned myself a trip down the loner's lane. as good as being starstruck, having guys scoop me up just to breathe their foul-smelling breath into my bare neck, twisting and turning them around my fingers - puppets in a mock play. fidgeting, squirming, unable to let loose.

whats the every regular compliment loosely held in an average man's tongue?
"u've got sexy legs.. u're gorgeous babe in that mini"

fuggers i deemed them - socially unrest, disturbed? ironically chastied in this open society? the female fragrant they sniff out for, like a horny dirtbag, even from miles away. chasing skirts, peeping freaks, resilient players muffling up their gags for the next victim.

poor souls of naive pussies.

never a win-win situation. one's bound to lose in any way around. the winner - whoever reigns the powercard.

suicide

2005-02-13T03:10:00.000+08:00

i seriously do not know what the fuck i'm getting myself into.

i'm delusional now, in a paradise of my own. wishing, hoping & dreaming of some miracle to happen or is it?

spoke to J last night, she depicted alot of experiences during her long talk with me that opened up my mind into envisioning things that are supposedly much broader then the world around you.

we go by our senses and our demands, presumbly wanting everything to fall into our footsteps as and just as we like it to be. but situational events in any coincidental issue, do not happen as expected, nor does it work out as we love it to be.

J was right. you can neva fully understand the other unless u put urself in their shoes. but how do u even try to step into the shoes of the other party when everything in your mind is clouded with hurt, fogged up by the tremendous pain and drastic big black hole in your life?

less of a man is a woman. a woman's inclination is the strongest the most powerful tool that she witholds against a man's abled might and force. perhaps this is how God made men and women - possessing their each of his/her own abilities, to be strong is different fields, that when compromised alongside each other, would empower mankind into the strongest creature that would rule the world.

yes i'm living in a realm of denial and hopelessness. don't try to persuade me or give any advices on how i am suppose to pull through this pithole. too useless and weak, how can i be sure that i don't work out another suicidal attempt or follow-up with my present habitual nightlife occurances?

which form of dying is the fastest and least painful?

judgement day on feb 14. much of it i've already anticipated. the rejection. the deep sharp pain stabbin my heart. the seconds freezing as if the world had stop revolving for that minute.

drama?
its what is going in my head.
its as real as i can put it down in words here.

will i gain back whatever i lost - remembering that the lost will forever kill my will to survive?
will i reap what i once sowed - already regretting every action i once did?
will i face the horrible truth and fact right smacked into my face and not dwindle or sway from another public display of tragic emotional breakdown?

he's cold and distant towards me in public & around friends.
yet he's the old person i once knew in private, at home or when we're conversing.

maybe J is right. men do lead a double life. even with marriage and a fortunate family, men do tend to play. for as long as they live, they'll play. And women will always have to deal with the fact that "they know yet they'll have to act blur".

what's the point in life?
where does the achievements, success, short-term happiness takes you in the end?

nothing but an empty deep well.

so with fingers crossed, with all the happy thoughts in my head that is what remains of my last sprint towards the end of the finish line, i'm replaying the likelihood of events that will occur till that very last minute it happens. imaginative? or plain obsessed?

kowtowing to whoever in control, yielding the power over my fate. a little help over here? without it, without a "yes" on that fateful day would mean condemnation in Hell for missy me. period.

7 reasons why men cheat

2005-02-11T19:17:00.000+08:00

When it comes to relationships, the adage “cheaters never prosper” seems to say it all. Of course, not all men are cheaters, and not all women stay faithful. But let’s examine the reasons why some men cross the line.

How do things get to the point where he might cheat on you? After all, you're an attractive, funny, sexy and smart woman. You should be enough for him, right?

In an ideal world, yes — but when was the last time your world was ideal? Not recently, if you can relate in the least bit to the sting of infidelity.

There are numerous reasons why men may endanger a relationship by cheating — if you catch a guy in a confessional mood here are a few you may hear:

1. Fear of commitment
"I had been dating Michelle for about four months when the invitation to her Dad's party arrived. I guess we were an item, but it was freaky becoming a 'plus one' overnight. Maybe that's why I hooked up with my buddy's cousin, I don't know. She was pretty, from out of town and understood this was a one-time thing ... I never did make it to that party."
— Victor

2. For the thrill of it
"Every year I'm responsible for an intern. Usually it is some clingy, overachieving geek, but this year I scored. A redheaded beauty, she knew she was the bee's knees and enjoyed watching me drool. It was risky and I didn't get much work done, but my girlfriend knows my work comes first."
— Roger

3. He is not fulfilled
"My ex, Brenda and I started out sharing late nights, long talks and make out sessions at the pub. It was beautiful, but it faded quickly. Now I'm lucky to get her off the couch. And physical intimacy? Well, forget about it. I think it was a return to those early days I was looking for that Saturday night I found myself at the pub by myself and on the prowl. I didn't leave alone, but I sure feel that way now."
— TJ

4. Sabotage
"Sandie and I always seemed mismatched, but between my waffling and her crying I could never quite end it with her. It got so bad that eventually I started to resent her. I had to do something. I know it wasn't right, but one night I hit on a friend of hers and well, something happened. It wasn't the best way to end a relationship but at least it's done."
— Drew

5. Revenge
"I love parties and I wasn't about to miss another just because my girlfriend doesn't — so I went stag. Sure, there were some real hotties there and a little innocent flirting on my part, but that's all. But that wasn't good enough for Gina. She was sure I had cheated, and holds it over my head to this day. Well, let her think what she wants. She's got a past, too. There will be other parties and maybe next time I won't be so innocent."
— Alex

6. Because you let him
"Yeah I admit it. I am a little bit of a dog when it comes to the ladies. Even though I consider Angela my girlfriend, there have been other women. I'm not saying that she thinks it was okay, but she did catch me once and after a little groveling and some flowers she took me right back. A man's got his needs. I think she knows that."
— Paul

7. Emotional escape
"The week before I left for my trip, Heather and I got into another doozy. I love her and all, but no matter what I say she always ends up nagging me. I'm just tired of it. I travel a lot and I've got way too much invested in the relationship to break it off, so I have just decided to mix business with pleasure. What she doesn't know won't hurt her and I really need a break now and then."
— Sean

horoscope

2005-02-07T18:46:00.000+08:00

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Match for Pisces and Scorpio
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When Scorpio and Pisces come together they enjoy a splendid union. The two Signs share the same Element, Water, and thus have a good understanding of each other.

Scorpio is very deep and covert, often caught up in their own secret plans, while Pisces is idealistic and looks for the nuances of a situation. However, Pisces also has a tendency to withdraw into their own mind, and can forgive Scorpio for being mysterious or withdrawn at times.

Both Signs are intuitive and in touch with the subtleties of human interaction. Scorpio can help Pisces fulfill dreams and ambitions -- to turn ideas into reality.

The Scorpion will provide a steadfast foundation for the relationship to revolve around, and the more ephemeral and intuitive Fish will become entangled in Scorpio's web. In return, Pisces offers gentleness, kindness, and sympathy which Scorpio admires and appreciates.

Scorpio is interested in certain material comforts and intense emotional dramas, and at times cannot understand the simplistic, charitable attitude of Pisces. Their long-term aspirations can be completely unalike. Once they can understand and overcome this difference, theirs will be a very rewarding relationship.

Scorpio follows the Planets Mars and Pluto, and Pisces is ruled by Jupiter and Neptune. Mars is the ancient God of War, and Scorpio is testimony to its aggressive, courageous, daring, and sometime belligerent influences.

When combined with Pluto, this hot Planet becomes cyclical and symbolizes rebirth and new beginnings. Scorpio is able to withstand a great deal of abuse and bounce back, but the Scorpion is also able to dish out this energy in spades!

Pisces is also ruled by Jupiter. This represents philosophy, expansion and excesses. The Neptunian influence gives Pisces a dreamy aura and a love for popular culture and media. This dreamy energy softens Scorpio's hard edges.

The nature of this planetary combination offers a complementary relationship, drenched in emotional intrigue and endowed with a real celestial bond. However, Scorpio must be careful not to cramp the floating Fish, as Pisces will suffocate under too many demands.

Scorpio and Pisces are both Water Signs. Generally they're very compatible, as Water is a tangible, physical entity and both appreciate this property. Pisces is born to connect mankind, and when they come together with Scorpio's intrigue and tenacity there is no stronger bond.

In addition, Scorpio has an absolutist view of life; everything is either golden or tarnished. Pisces can help to open up multiple possibilities, rather than a single focus. Scorpio may tire of Pisces' instability, and Pisces may in turn feel that Scorpio is self-absorbed and insensitive to their needs. It will be comparatively easy for them to find a compromise.

Scorpio is a Fixed Sign and Pisces is a Mutable Sign. Scorpio tends to be focused on one project at a time, but Pisces likes to move from project to project as the feeling takes them. Pisces can easily become a part of Scorpio's pastimes and projects.

In turn, Scorpio needs to give Pisces the freedom to enjoy personal interests. Pisces can show Scorpio that flexibility is sometimes better than a stringent determination, and that compromise without struggle can pay off. Scorpio and Pisces feed off of each other's energy well, and should be compatible in romance or business.

The best aspect of the Scorpio-Pisces relationship is their similar emotional natures. They complement and harmonize with one another very well. The overall empathy and commitment these two signs value in a relationship is what will keep the ties strong and long lasting between the Scorpion and Fish.

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romance in 2005
--------------------------------------------
For scorpios.

Image: "Moments before a bull fight, a matador kneeling in prayer"
Message: Courage.

Love, long-term commitment and social obligation will be an important consideration early this year. For the first 3 to 4 months of the year 2005 well established romantic relationships will finally resolve ongoing issues of competing interests, flirtations outside the relationship or differing emotional needs.

Much of this may have been subtly bothersome over the past 14 to 16 months: previous emotional progress or shared romantic agreements may have been difficult throughout much of 2004.

Now, however, and continuing on throughout the first few months of the year 2005, loved ones will tend to take the lead in family planning or long-term romantic commitments.

Single or recently unattached Scorpios can expect a powerful wave of sensuality and returning passion between March 4th and April 11th. This period will likely bring a quick, almost surreal romantic relationship into the lives of single Scorpios.

Before early May, however, expect new relationships to be highly captivating but brief: aspects indicate that unattached Scorpios may soon explore one or more light romantic relationships before bringing a more serious lover into their lives.

Throughout May, June and July romance will flourish: expect to experience a phase of emotional growth that may not have been felt in your life for at least one year.

Loved ones will provide many new interests and distractions this year: explore all new activities, lessons and shared commitments. A pivotal and rewarding year: enjoy the renewed passion and social excitement of loved ones.

For pisces.

Image: "In the far north, a small ship navigating a large ice field"
Message: Safe progress.

Before late March property matters, home agreements and family commitments may be a vital part of romantic relationships. Aspects indicate that the past 14 to 16 months of romantic gains and social enjoyment now need to be answered with practical plans and solid home goals.

Between February 15th and April 7th, 2005 many Pisceans will make powerful public statements about their lives, romantic choices and long-term plans. Parent/child relationships, daily work habits and especially property matters will all be affected: expect your newfound confidence to create a few waves.

Friends, relatives and even co-workers may now have a vested interest in your continued emotional patterns. However, this year will bring a profound expansion of learning, emotional wisdom and romantic confidence into your life.

Key relationships may feel slightly disjointed before mid-June but don't let any of it break your stride. As inner strength and well being increases, loved ones will need to also evolve: expect loved ones to now be strongly captivated by new home arrangements, property purchases or family agreements.

Single or unattached Pisceans may experience the appearance of a new romantic interest between mid-February and early April. If so, expect new lovers to be demanding and highly focused on long-term commitments.

Key emotional issues in romance this year involve translating your daily life into a comfortable and long commitment romantic atmosphere: expect issues of home, family promises and social identity to now be a strong concern in love relationships.

After mid-June business advancements or new work projects may mildly strain close relationships. Resolve to spend extra time with loved ones or plan unique romantic vacations.

A subtle and dynamic year: expect to receive the emotional validation you have needed for the past 16 months.

reflections of a self-confessed drama-queen

2005-02-02T23:33:00.000+08:00

What would your reaction be if someone surprised you with candles forming a heart-shaped pattern with a gift wrapped in the centre?

Would you know what the intentions of that person is?

Can u read the person's thoughts, through such actions and see its true meaning - that u mean so much?

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the smile on your face, though you were down with fever, a runny nose and an upset stomach, was priceless. i wish that moment would never end.

but reality hits me like a rock. how you used to feel for me has changed. drastically. gone were the days we could hold each other close, basking in the moment of estactic joy.

perhaps like how i feel towards the sea of male-testestrone i face every other day. the feeling of gratefulness and complete thanx. and that it ends there. in a matter of minutes such actions would become fading memories in light of your new life's expedition.

deep inside i pin on the glimmer of hope that's fading so fast day-by-day. feelings can never be forced nor forcefully employed upon. silly romantis survive on such faint hope, to keep them alive, strong in surviving every single day.

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A friend gave an insight into my horoscope. far from the guru of star-signs, his reduction of my water sign gave me a sudden tremour of realisation. my greatest and weakest attribute - emotions. the personality that would cause the most harm in me - hypersensitivity.

yet after dissecting me into parts that derived what is called 'sherry' he left me with no explanation nor help into which i could step out from such dramatic assets. i'd have to learn it by tasting more of what life is.

i admit to all the traits, even surrendering to the fact that missy me even possesses a very pessimistic view of everyday's life. details come by me as fast as the wink of an eye. I'm meticulous about everything and anything. Very. not referring to a perfectionist in-the-making (i'm lazy too), but events that occur every min and second seems to jump up to me as if saying "HEY! LOOK HERE! THINK ABT THIS!"

yes meticulous sherry (the angel) in terms of sentimental things does a very good job at impressing and exciting. but meticulous sherry (the devil) sources out details, digesting them like hungry vultures and eats into her brain like a huge migraine occuring. it digs n churns, twist and turns until i become uptight, unreasonable and a procrastinator.

this is a cycle of inner war which i have to suffer each and every day i walked this planet. it affects my life, my habits, my mood and even the ones close to me. short of being labelled a mental patient, i have yet to find the right one who understands me wholly. it is pure torture having to feel like sitting on a roller-coaster ride, going up and down as persons come in and out of my life. Similar.

my life is like a soap opera, a movie without a written script, a play that has no end till the day i passed on. i agree to that. not wanting to scare any readers here, i should be courageous enough to declare that "Yes. i'm a drama-mama".

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at times i would sit by a coffee joint or be shopping individually, in the busiest streets of spore. people (as observed by me) are just slaves and puppets acting out how they deem "the norm". see an unusually dressed, eccentric person come by and all he/she gets is an unwavering sea of looks and stares that could possible feel like a worm crawling up your neck.

so perhaps, borned into such a society, up-plays my personality, my traits, my behaviour into what is supposedly the right thing to do? understanding that i assume that actions i portray, and how people will react back goes by like an invisible script.

"never expect the expected cause the unexpected always turns out unexpectingly right"

how do i convert from my old self into another? how do i become (as basic as i should put it) reborned? from the day i came into this world, the surroundings and the environment i was so protectingly kept in, has moulded me, taught me, given me the way to live my life.

then came the rebellion stage where all that was right in my eyes was purposely done wrong by me. only by that, do i now see the bigger picture of a not-so-nice, serene world.

----------------------------------------------------------------

friends come and go. the initial stages of friendship may appear bright and fruitful. but the true test of friendship lies in time. if time does it pass as the days of sprouting white hair surfaces, we'll learn who are the ones that will stick by us, no matter what.

some may appear trememdously helpful and possess the best personality at the beginning, but their true intentions will neva surface until time passes by. we live in a world of sins, lies n deceit, corruption and favouritism. people do things for a reason - mostly for self-benefits.

never trust until trust is earned and built up for trust is like a delicate flower which may wilt as fast as it blooms.

here's to my best friend - ben... for being someone who has earned my trust till trust itself gets in the way. thanx for listening, comforting, protecting, caring and supporting me.

i rem

2005-01-31T13:07:00.000+08:00

i rem how we use to cycle around your estate giggling away

i rem how u woke up so damn early just to go church with me

i rem when you came to my place to have delicious curry fish head which got us both sweaty and "shiok"

i rem you had to turn the radio on most of the time when we were inside your room

i rem getting you clothings, ties and small things that saw you smiling in delight and trying them on instantly

i rem we both love spicy food so much we needed to have chillis every meal we took

i rem you hate peeling prawns so i had to do them for you

i rem sharing fish head soup with you, you'll always pour all the chillis into the soup before you drank it

i rem having steamboat with you

i rem the very first time we dated at embargo

i rem how i persuaded you to stop wearing old discoloured shirts

i rem when i laid and slept beside you in the dark, feeling your heartbeat

i rem loving the way you smell

i rem the chinese/ dialect cds your papa will play every morning as he cleans the house

i rem how your mama always asks me to eat more

i rem how your papa always tries to make me panic when i came to your house, telling me that you're sleeping with another girl, then luffing after a few seconds at my expression

i rem how your bro use to bombard into the room disturbing our privacy

i rem when we use to walk from zouk to river valley to have supper

i rem how your feet use to hurt wearing your nailed piercing shoes

i rem that i took you to meridian to get your watch repaired

i rem we ate at cine's food court and you'll share your food with me

i rem you had the same taste and liking for beer as i do

i rem how you danced that funny dance in zouk

i rem the way you treated all your friends - caring and generous

i rem the time i got upset becoz a girl bite your arm causing you to get a major bruise with teeth marks visibly hurting you

i rem that you always had a problem finding good pair of socks to wear

i rem the way your bed smells

i rem the cologne you use to spray before going out, and i had accidentally dropped the bottle breaking the spray

i rem when you were so brillant in finding out the way to light the candles and incense i gave to you, earning my respect all over again

i rem you like to pick at your old wounds and i'll be very irritated that you caused it to bleed again

i rem how your face looks when you sleep

i rem when you look at me into the eyes as we made love

i rem ironing your shirts for you before you wore it becoz you were so lazy

i rem you love kickapoo and sarsi

i rem you have chilli sauce wif your ba zhang

i rem calling you Darling! and you'll respond with affection

i rem seeing your brush your teeth, washing your face with eyes half-closed when you woke up

i rem scolding you for not aiming when you peed, and for not flushing after

i rem how you'll slap my ass sometimes when i fell asleep on your bed, purposely trying to irritate me

i rem rubbing your stubbles, once shaving your beard for you becoz you did a very sloppy job then

i rem late nights at your office when you had to get last min work done and it was very quiet inside, which made me a little scared as the lights were all off

i rem shopping NTUC with you at your house where you bought campbell soups that you love

i rem the little birdy that was rescued and placed in a box inside your storeroom, which i wouldn't know about if not for its high pitch noises it made

i rem how we use to call out to Yuki and say hello to the little neighbour's baby

i rem we ate at marina south, then broke my slippers and had to travel to raffles to get another one

i rem waiting for you downstairs your office, giving you a smile once you appeared to make you feel better

i rem travelling with you home on the mrt, where i could lean on your handsome shoulders as you slept

i rem when we first went far east to get a couple ring and engraved it with our names

i rem you wanted to watch the dawn of the death, and caused me to be so damn frightened during and after the show

i rem how i use to luff at the way you walked, and you tried to hide your smile always

i rem how u use to carry me, lift me with your strong arms

i rem your snoring habit that made me record it with your old phone, replaying it for you as you blushed

i rem your taste for mee-gua which got me shocked to see such a red bowl of noodles

i rem how you would throw in aplenty cabbages into the instant noodles

i rem you taught me how to appreciate eating tomatoes with your papa's delicious sweet curry sardines surrounded by them

i rem having sumptious meals at your house becoz your dad's such a great cook

i rem trimming your nipple hair before you gone for holiday

i rem how you like it just the way i did it

i rem entrusting everything with you, my secrets and my personal life

i rem the night we sat at istana park with mosquitoes buzzing around us but i didn't care abt it

i rem the long dark walk on fort canning which got you very scared about it

i rem how you used to kiss my forehead softly

i rem how your body aches as age catch up wif you and i'll rub your neck till you felt better

i rem sometimes you'll call me with the first word "baby" that touched my heart and melt it

i rem the long quiet east coast beach where we sat looking at the bright stars in the sky as you taught me how to navigate with it, and the fireworks that came about from the ships during the new year

i rem skating hand-in-hand with you, pulling each other, laughing non-stop

i rem playing at science centre in the wee hours, where we peed in the bushes together

i rem you bought a single rose and came all the way down my place to give it to me

i rem how we always showered together, me soaping your back tenderly

i rem we walked along clark quay on V day after a western meal which you didn't like but comply becoz i did

i rem how we use to hold hands and enter zouk to party

i rem the jokes n how we played around in your room - pillow-fighting

i rem i tore your shirt once and left you looking ridiculously cute with exposed nipples and a belly to show

i rem giving you massages and facial, digging your ears... and you were so relaxed and comforted

i rem sitting on the metal chair below your house at the park, leaning onto your warm shoulders

i rem how you insisted you were correct about the bus stop location but ended up making a silly mistake

i rem your courage and love for me that allowed you to walk into a lingerie shop alone to get me presents

i rem going to diners together with you to make payments

i rem sitting with you at suntec watching the coloured waterfalls, feeling the moisture against our faces, holding your hand close to me

i rem the numerous times we ate at kenny rogers

i rem the times we sat at PS kopitiam and had chicken rice, or grilled chicken that you'll buy for me

i rem how you'll massage my head if i accidentally knocked it hard against your steel bed railing

i rem how you looked after my hamster, feeding him, playing with him even attempting to bath him

i rem you bought me breakfast when you came over to my place

i rem movies and outings at bishan, sometimes sending me home walking beside me protecting me

i rem the teochew mui we had downstairs my house for supper

i rem you like the ban mian there too

i rem we will have fried rice and beer opposite zouk before we went

i rem watching TV with you at home, with you lying down legs outstretch and me curling hugging against your right leg

i rem watching la pi xiao xin with your laptop on your bed with you, luffing at the story line with you

i rem you being oh-so-patient, going to the salon at bkt panjang with me where i rebonded my hair and you read your comics till you fell asleep on the chair... and after that going to buy mac for me becoz i was starving

i rem how i always tried to style your hair for you but you always didn't like it

i rem how you always farted and gave me that look thereafter, expecting me to give u an annoyed look

i rem you came to my place and d/l gunbound for me and taught me how to play

i rem going to safti MI wif you, seeing all the tanks and machineries, guns and uniformed men, letting you enjoy the momentus memories of your army days you were fond of

i rem how you came down when i got trouble being molested and even wanted to beat the bastard up becoz you cared so much

i rem tickling you at your sensitive areas, annoying you, counting the number of times you "tsk", which in turn made you luff out to ease your stress

i rem we walked down from your place to the market in the morning to have breakfast there

i rem you used to walk so fast and i had a problem keeping up with you

i rem we hunted the door access to the roof top but was not successful becoz i told you i really did see a girl on the roof top enjoying herself dangling her legs

i rem the day i first saw you in army attire, but suddenly all was cold.

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maybe money made everything change, maybe its other reasons that caused it. for all the times we've spent, memories laid and built, is from which my love grows.

not for money not for greed,
willing to suffer, willing to plead.
waiting for a day, waiting for you to say,
lets be together, nothing else to say.

Insights

2005-01-29T15:38:00.000+08:00

Anthropologist Edmund Leach
In a study entitled A Runaway World (1967) presents a pessismistic view of the family in industrial society.
In small-scale Pre-inductrial societies the family forms part of a wider kinship network linking the individual to the community providing an extensive network of social relationships which provides psychological support and practical assistance.
This close knit family contrasts strongly withthe 'isolated nuclear family' in modern industrial society, as Leach puts it:

"In the past kinsfolk and neighbours gave the individual continuous moral support throughout this life. Today the domestic household is isolated. The family looks inward upon itself; there is an intensification of emotional stress between husbands and wife and parents and children. The strain is greated than most of us can bear...[..]... The parents and children huddled together in their loneliness take too much out of each other. The parents fight; the children rebel (Harralambos 1991:465-6)"

Contemporary society literally places too much stress on the family that becomes unbearable resulting in conflict. This has consequences for the wider society in that the,

"Isolation and the close-knit nature of contemporary family life incubates hate which finds expression in conflict in the wider community... [...]... Privacy is the source of fear and violence. The violence in the world comes about because we human beings are forever creating barries between men who are like us and men who are not like us (ibid)."

Leach's conclusion is diametrically opposed to those who would argue that the family is functional and argues that = far from being the basis of the good society, the family, with its narrow privacy and tawdy secrets, is the source of all our discontents.
---------------------------------------------------

Elizabeth Bott - a sociologist expert in the area of changing conjugal (marriage) roles in her book The Family And Social Network (1957) informed us of 2 types of conjugal roles.

-joint conjugal roles: couples share their social world. they tend to do tasks around the house interchangably and are highly flexible about who does what. They share common friends, entertain together and spend their recreation time together, making decisions on a joint basis. Families exhibiting this pattern were geographically and socially mobile and loosely connected to their circle of friends.

It would deem here "ideal" in that most divorces do not evolve from such conjugal roles. in this sense, in a marriage, what do you look for? Is it a obligation and a respect to the law of "living under a name" or is it for the joy of each other's company?

-Segregated conjugal roles: couples inhabit separate and distinct social and working worlds linked by their reciprocal obligations and rights. Each spouse has his/her own friends, work and space, both in and out of the house. There is a strict differentiated definate line drawn between each spouses lifestyle. Families exhibiting this pattern tends to remain in one location and build up a tightly knit circle of friends (individually).

money making

2005-01-27T20:50:00.000+08:00

i'm embarking on my first step towards "lazy men's" way of making money.

Trick is to get others to work for you whilst u idle around and lift not a finger or two.

this is not an advert or an encouraging movement towards MLM. i do not believe in it nor support its existence (no offence wat-so-ever)

this is genuine biz strategy i have up my sleeves already. lets hope money keeps running into my skinny bank account. My excitement can be said to be overrated i guess.

nonetheless, good luck to me as i munch on more chocolates, ice-cream and tortilla chips - slaving the accountants from my bank that would be tele-ing up the sums.

Cheap thrills for a lazy being like me. you can try such ingenious ways of money-making too... just by opening up ur creativity and digesting the fact that "others will work their guts out for YOU".

thinking-too-much

2005-01-25T23:38:00.000+08:00

humans have conscience... we are built to think. is it all wrong then to suffer from the "thinking syndrome"?

life is short... go all out to get what u want... what you love... what u hold onto dearly... what you want your future to be...whatever you so deem fit...

see ahead of all your intentions
don't be blinded by the present
view the horizon as far out as u can imagine
don't stop at the road just in front of you

a friend of mine once told me - that all pisces are emotional creatures... i only see it as true as for my stand... like how trees are born to reach up towards the sky...

the long awaiting doesn't seem to end
the dear yield for my dreams hasn't seen its light
i know only now to complain as much
inference - my friends' retorts

silently loving, quietly missing
monogonous lifestyle, we're all - (present, future) desire
not now i see, i can only hope
please come back, my long dearly loved

i seek out the star, the brightest shining light
in the hour, the first minute, seconds without count
so bring back to me the things that i lost
care, concern, the affections beyond

don't cling too tight again, if so true dreams prevail
don't think as much as the times past before you
don't harbour ill-thoughts or pessimistic with regards
don't bother or want just as much

see through your mistakes, everyone has bled before once
learn from the falls, pick yourself up right after therefore
understand the other - perceptions are pale colourless bleaks
then you've come full circle, for once you will grin

for one, the only, the romeo in my heart
please turn around, return and give me a hug
so see God, the almighty, the all so forgiving
view me, as one who has understood the true meaning

the moon is up, the lights go out
huddling in the dark, without your warmth - blackout?
no not so soon, i shall surely give up
i will persist to show, that i've grown up so much

done things that let my heart so churn
from the hatred that i once possessed and functioned
now i, see it has nothing - reaped when sowed
i laugh, make merry, giggle with glee? with others but squirm

why thus? due fact i've nothing without
my emotions, my affections that has died in your gut
you feel nothing, but i still withold
hundreds and thousands - sweet memories will be told

much efforts, i've tried to be nice
stable and rooted in my stand for my quest
my mission? not so to win you again
but yes, to make u open and see my love prevail

i'll go through the moutains, the deserts, the ice as one say
because without a part of my heart - my soul and being will grow stale.

ang moh man

2005-01-24T00:59:00.000+08:00

i think i was a hard sugar-coated cookie yesterday night HAHA!

went on the "first date" with Matthew (refer to previous blog) i look like a dwarf beside him, his french accent is so thick sometimes i bluff my way tru understanding what shit he was talking... oh btw i didn't even slang abit. *swear* i just spoke like a true-blue ah lian (and how does an ah lian speak??)

he's caucasian... yaya from france. cute round big big eyes, perfect curled eyelashes... no need mascara at all! DAMN, some just have it all. super sharp pointed nose, crew cut brown mane and very broad shoulders. :D heeheehee ok la gorgeous (but please don't see me as an SPG. its my MAiden outing with an ang moh)

so i pop down Zouk wif him (as my date) yayaya, dun roll your eyes when u read this... i know i look like a bimbo walkin next to a mannequin-lookalike. And i can sense alot of "eyes" on me, throughout the night! WHY a pretty CHINESE GIRL cannot go out with ANG MOH guy FRIEND AH!

i tot i could use him as an atm... yes i admit ITS MEAN! becoz firstly, i'll neva fall for an ang moh... so if an ang moh is so "hands-all-over-you on a first date?" i might as well rip his wallet RIGHT!!!! but i neva... *gleeful with pride* becoz if i use his money = telling him he can have a fuck with me! NO WAY! -i scared pain-

so even when i didn't touch his wallet (not a single cent) he oso didn't offer to be nice and generous (all ang mohs are stingy animals please note!) the whole time when the music was rocking (i high on music that night only... NOT ENUFF ALCOHOL!) he couldn't keep his hands off me (-.-)

NVM! i think my whole waist, ass, below my bra, shoulders, hair, arms is all "mor" or rather touched by him that night. "ang mohs are friendly" RIGHT! i not complaining... then he swooped down (note i say "swooped" becoz he so tall he wan to tok to me must bend down like giant) when i was dancing like a mad monkey, and plant a peck on my lips. (-.-) i slap him

me to him: "ang moh kiss = friendly, but chinese kiss = love, and i only love my ex"

anyway he got the cheek to msg me at the end of the night when home that he had spent a bomb = $60?! on himself only hor!!! not a single cent on me... omg damn stingy (ya guess correctly, i took cab home myself!)

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nothing went wrong, till today he msg me saying he likes me (o.O)

me replying: "so fast can like means so fast can don't like too"

k la, if he's generous like a normal chinese guy, i'll still go out with him more often... but then he's cheehong YET not generous. no wonder i neva see any ang moh hang out at nightclubs before... its only the "cheena" men

rock on!

2005-01-22T02:55:00.000+08:00

last night, he tore my heart relentlessly... yet another time. i've come to realise "whats past is the past"... and will always remain so no matter how much more effort i put into salvaging whats left of the minute desire i own.

yes, i'm very affected by it. was and still is. doesn't change the fact of betrayer in my mind, of everything i've put in. it didn't help much too, the tormenting isolated strong urge to revive the past, hold onto what i dearly love, only to realise that it will neva come by.

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ben's jealous. big time. all due to an ang moh. :p

did long peaceful drive down seletar reservoir. tested my driving abilities yet once more. i've gotten a 6/10 from him. geesh... i would have rated my skills a 9/10 though!

whats more the tranquil breeze against my face, felt comforting and close to the heart. the sound system blasted straight house cum techno, with bass that slammered against the back of the car exterior. we are the posers in need of attraction.

headed down Rouge. amazed at the luck i was in! the bouncers let me in entirely free (marked my hand and pushed me in) though everyone else was queuing their butts off using their 16 bucks tix that they had purchased. WEIRD!

music was awesome. hands down beating zouk's normal funky tunes. the crowd was ingenious. i saw cheryl fox! though impressed by her pretty cute facial features, was turned off by her flat chest. nobody's perfect.

danced and fooled around the whole night tru. like devils engaging in cult-like fashioned tacky moves, we resembled the scene in Hell as if it was judgement day. solid booms raced from the sound speaker, adorning almost every wall with avid bass vibrations. i need some ear-wash period. i'm too addicted and hard-core.

beautiful people packed the place like sardines. horribly handsome chaps that i will certainly and obviously swooned over centred my attention the whole night. though i was priviledge to enjoy the company of my o'friends. funny how in the blink of the eye, its been 2 years since we first knew the other.

the most embarrassing thing happened to me! jordan's friend ziteng, teasing me the whole night gave me a forceful push which landed me on my ass, thereafter he swopped me up in his arms (not strong at all huh!) whilst they were introducing me to a gorgeous chap!

not embarrassing if i'm clad in JEANS! ahhhhhh, but a short short skirt... i tink i became a flasher that night. HO HO HO! ok, i was protected by a black little panties (should be dark enough to not notice my zao geng right!)

NO FACE TO HIDE!

tired down to my toes, everyday is a study day during sunlight hours, thereafter its an alcohol moment that gets me doing crazy stuff. you just can't ask for anything more that this. totally steady pom-pi-pi!

my high expectations

2005-01-20T01:03:00.000+08:00

understandably justifying...

1) i don't need a guy doing sales

2) i don't need a guy who spends endless hours hooked onto internet chatzones and online gaming

3) i don't need a guy who has no fixed income, no CPF, no car, no cash, no credit cards

4) i don't need a guy who ain't decent and truthful

5) i don't need a guy who is prideful and possesses self-delusional dreams that can neva come true

6) i don't need a guy who doesn't pamper me

7) i don't need a guy who isn't responsible in his actions

8) i don't need a guy who succumbs to "drugs of this world"

9) i don't need a guy who ain't religious and doesn't know his limits

10) i don't need a guy who doesn't love me

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11) i don't need a guy that isn't filial

12) i don't need a guy that has no will-power to strive for his ambition

13) i don't need a guy that isn't home at night when i return home from work

14) i don't need a guy that is a sloth who sleeps the whole sun-light hours away

15) i don't need a guy that doesn't deserve of my attention, efforts and affections

16) i don't need a guy that hasn't much of an asset

17) i don't need a guy that complains i treat him as a sex slave?

18) i don't need a guy that throws tantrums, have sudden isolation periods and more or less behave like a ger does

19) i don't need a guy that doesn't make me feel secure in his arms

20) i don't need a guy that doesn't cherish health at any cost

backtracking

2005-01-18T21:41:00.000+08:00

saturday
i was delusional abt any arab and muslim's hunt before. but lanyl and micheal, alongst with his bunch of wild yuppies took me to this hot spot-on place. there i tried shi-sha for the first time, unknowingly loving the fragrant after-aroma of peach and cherry that lingered in my lungs. it was soothing and refreshing, with a combination of the delightful cuppa that went along with it, i could only describe what felt like sitting in the realms of heaven.

they childed me for being sua-ku. having not tried such norms as they did. i admit, i must really have been a mountain tortoise before this... protected in my shell that was only broken all so recently.

my heart tingered and my stomach broke out in butterflies as my eyes fell on Matthew. *blush* but tat's another story that's yet to be completed.

how small spore is! never expecting to come upon my childhood friend that night. yakking away about the memories and weird events, gossiping abt the extra-terrestrial "butches" and folks that i had once lived with and knew about. reminesence of the olden days, where i was still an innocent wide-eyed toddler, a rebellious teen & a very competitive-spirited me.

ahh but those were the days...

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sunday
took a long cheesy-filled walk down bedok jetty with ben in the wee hours of the night. the wind was picking up my strands of hair like loving fondles that made me feel special all the sudden. the sky wore a pleasant glow as the stars reflected against its dark background. peace n serenity overwhelmed me.

there were a dozen eagers fishing their way through. throwing the rods into the deep dark waters, where they stood silent thereafter.. as if time had stopped as they waited remarkably patiently for a catch.

i witness a fish being lulled in. it was a slimey catfish that looked downright as if it had walked(or rather swimmed) out of the movie - Evolution. the crowd of enthusias then formed, with me in the midst gasping at the sight(having not seen any fishing success in my life).

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monday
had a merry time as daniel visited me under my block. we talked the night through and giggled alot, where i begun understanding what was his background really like. its comforting to know that whats past will always remain the past. for now, he was like a big bear friend to me, indulging in deep conversations with him only made me understand more about myself.

he had grown up. he has changed from the young punk that he was, into a man that was discerning, responsible and wise. from him i learnt this "experiences made us grow, whether for the better or worse, it helps us learn to prevent history from recurring". wise words from a chap that now became a full-grown man for his age and is striving so hard to obtain his goals.

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tuesday
weee!! i cut my hair today and has juz dyed it a darker shade of ash brown (smoky beige). realised i was having an image that wasn't suppose to be me!!! so now my hair is trimmed, layered ALOT! and a darker color :p i hope i blossom more into a beautiful full-bloomed flower this year! (thats was said to me, coded by a very close friend)

had yummy coffee right after school with shane da man (as he likes to be called). this stupid chicken can be donned in beach wear and go to school!?!? so relax and laid back!
when he bothers to dress up...

but without "makeup"

hahaha... its like looking at 2 different people! i can really take my hat off for him, for being able to be so darn versatile.

minutes after we settle down, i received an sms from mummy dearest:
"Whose that hunky?"

"..............."

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And i can sense ben's jealousy juz minutes ago. WOOOHAA!!!

the end.

2005-01-17T20:20:00.000+08:00

FInally Its all over!!!

pity the next ger that's gonna get the same "torture-treatment", the all "rewarding" giving without appreciation & last but not least, the incessant lies and bluffs that is wad he's made up of. afterall, he's juz but a plain salesman.

lemme put things straight. however bad he made me sound, much of it i beg to differ, truth is - he's such a crap. in the light of that, may i enforce the notion that if everything is calm and as they were supposed to be, no one ever knew the tidal waves were coming rite?

but presumbly there were warning signs, signals of facts that were part-and-parcel of wad most of us women called: "the 6th sense aka the woman's inkling" , undoubtingly maniactical behaviour would be performed by us, especially to someone or something they care so much for.

haha! but what is it? i get labelled possessive, jealous-easily & too sensitive? well, probably only the sensitive part is true. lets plod on to digest what has sensitivity in me done and made reality happened in my life days ago.

for one, it has helped so much to uncover horrifying facts and truths abt what i should say - my EX. Blunder to my naivity for the past year and months i was delusional and under his control. the facts and data juz kept pouring into my grasps. even if he "tried" so darn hard to hide it from me? including deleting his hp msgs that contain "sacred holy" msgs from the other sex which could most often be juz his momentus cheehong period that he decided to offer a namecard or perhaps something more?

whats real then? i can put it across honestly. his line needs him to be portrayed as a goody-2-shoes morally-upright chap that is utterly the opposite. i stuck with him even when i found out his big bluff - the nightclub outing with topless gers ard, unwittingly believing that his decency (as he claimed so) was the most admirable above all others.

indeed, things ain't the end ever since nightclub outing. hidden dates, ignorance to my calls and smses, lies upon lies has lead to my dumbfoundedness that "omg! i'm really actually with such a moron and a jerk!"

who was there when i desperately needed someone in the pits of depression? not him

for all the time with me, neither has he met my folks nor tried to please them with simple gifts or small tokens - NIL. what fuck?

for all the energy and bright little deeds that i performed for him saw no appreciation in the reality of his eyes - he juz took, accepted, used without any gratitude. where was the genuine thank you? or the sincere smile?

i put it to all of u that trust in any of such "freaks" of nature should probably juz be prematurely deleted in order to savage any of whats left besides your misery. there's no such thing as a "happy ending" - even if it is so much a folktale in children's books.

what's more is the lies that he can "bright-eyed" say into my face - not forgetting with the spark of nonchanlancy. understandably, he ain't the MR NICE GUY that everyone calls him. that's juz how he wants to be looked upon to gain monetory benefits, more popularity and also more affections that he greatly craves for.

he's sly? "you can run but u cannot hide" truth always surfaces up somehow or other. juz as how justice will always prevail over evil. i put it to all of u reading this, open your eyes big and be clear of who is the ones who are truthful and real. not a platinum fake gem that shines so brightly in times of prosperity and dulls away as gloom and problems surfaces.

details of his doings i won't be writing down, his ways of lies, his problematic lifestyle, his remarkable irresponsible "bah" habits, even his status and character/behaviour/literacy,(i hope u're SO glad terence teo. at least ur name is not tarnished? or should i say "why so scared for wad?? scared ppl know abt the way u toss me abt like an animal?") i juz don't give a shit-hole abt description of his disappointing treatments and torments to me - mentally and emotionally.

yes, i write what i want here. this is my outlet for flaring my inner guts out. i don't need to enforce frequent night-spot outings juz to derive my satisfaction from excruting my inner me by dousing myself drunk nor flirt around like i'm a whore. i am a good ger. i am a talented writer. i don't need to succumb to worldly temptations of drink, sleep and sloth, nor the 7 deadly sins juz to feel better.

not only have i wasted a portion of my youth on an old man that doesn't even have the slightest maturity in his mind nor actions, but also i have wasted my talents and ambitions, lacking in goals that i should have strived for so dearly. yet no appreciation of the least is felt or seen by him? but i get more evil back. he must probably be a devil-recarnated.

i openly admit that my writings would so god-forbid offend any beings in my cycle of friends. however so, penning down my thoughts in words is for my own selfish desire. to reap the joy of being able to "bitch" abt anything and everything in here that i so do see fit, no constraints what-so-ever. why then blog if u are restaint with the need to be courteous, polite and fucking boring???

so shoot me. thanx to him, making me realise only one thing, that everyone has to have their own selfish wants in front of others. he taught me the dear price of selfishness with a huge lesson that took almost 1 and a half years to complete.

so here i am being selfish. writing down as i wan, wad i wan. sorry if i made a promise that i wouldn't blog abt u anymore? empty promises is juz what u used to give me. i'm juz being a selfish bitch then. put it on my list of negative assets that u already and surely labelled me.

to my fans, don't worry abt ur dear sherry here. she learnt her lesson - like touching a hot pot and learning that it burns, she understands the ways of the male-breed even more thoroughly.

at the end of the day, i haven't lost much. i've gained my inner powered-up me and i've gained alot more friends. i've gained the knowledge that giving-till-it-hurts is all a bluff, and that the next guy/guys (which i already have in line) will jolly-well get a very hard time from missy me.

he gimme surprise

2005-01-13T11:26:00.000+08:00

he's in bali. presumebly.

on monday, i received an sms from him abt his flight number and time of landing - which he stated was exactly wed 12/01. then i called him n he picked up???

however, strange as it was he proceeded to sms me abt having to take an impt document from his client and to meet that guy at raffles at 9pm. then, it was postponed to tues.

on tues, i called him and he picked up??? thereafter he told me that his mother had called him, to invite me over to dinner as they had cooked very delicious food. i was flabberglasted. sld i travel all the way to have dinner den back??

then, another sms was sent by him almost instantly, saying that he had a document at home that he had to pass to his client that i was suppose to meet. so i'm like machiam his secretary!?!?!?! go do his paper work for him!!!!

stunned. so thats the whole things. realised that only when he had to get my help ,then he contacted me. no wonder. plus the whole having to meet his client (specifically at cck!) was all forced and commanded by mr ter teo! didn't even say a single please or thanx... how rude!

wondering if i didn't aid his "mission" set out for me, he'd ask another ger to help him....being kiasu me, and scared that he'll rely on maybe another gf??? i made my fucking sore and tired-some journey (BY BUS AND FOOT!) all the way down after a long day at school... cursing in the heart abt the way he treats me ...

he had better be grateful for wad i did.

upon reaching his doorstep i peered in only to find the table stacked with boxes of packed food. my mind was fuming! how can he lie that they cooked! he only wans me to go over to his place juz to get the documents, why must he bluff me and entise me with food!!!

then suddenly...

he stood in front of me. with the metal gate as a barrier between us. i was shocked. seriously. like the whole world stopped spinning. like time had stopped. even my heart skipped a beat.

"I TOT U IN BALI?!?!?!!?"

yes, my eyes was the size of a tennis ball. almost popping out of their sockets.

"wan to give u a surprise mah"

HOW COULD HE!!!!!

okay i admit i was very flattered he attempted to trick me. mon's meeting with his client was intended for him to pop and appear in front of me at raffles... however he was down wif sudden fever due to contaminated food?

and i was really "jackEd" by him. fallen into his pranks juz to make me feel "lost" for that few minutes.

but how could he do that!!!!

i was suppose to go pick him up at the airport on wed evening!!!! he ruined all my perfect dream-like plans that i had toyed day & night long of... sacrificing my sleep to imagine the circumstances and atmosphere... the setting at the arrival hall... when i would sweep him into my arms and cuddle him, raining thousands of kisses down his face.

he fouled my plan.

-.-

i feel irritated.

but how could i be!

after so much of missing him and his successful attempt to trick me into becoming really pissed abt his demanding attitude only to realise that i was going to his house to see him!

so i'm experiencing a mixture of emotions... weird

disappointed that i couldn't pick him up personally at airport... sad that my nice plans of what could haf happened at the airport was ruined... yet very delighted that he was sweet enough to bother trying to make me surprise... contented that he had that slightest bit of romance in him (which he always denies that he possesses)

and lastly, really glad that he is back where i could hold him and hear his heartbeat as he snores away.

sometimes ignorance is bliss. sometimes gers juz have to act and behave like airheads. thats how most guys like them.

liers? hypocrites? oppressions?

2005-01-09T18:54:00.000+08:00

why do some beings lie?

why do they even bother trying to hide the facts and truth, when u jolly know well enough and can see thru' their bluffs?

do i look like a naive stupid young immature chick that u can bluff?

and more horrendously, how they try to cover up the truth from you, telling an accumulation of lies one after another.

it ain't white lies - as they'll want to tink of it that way.

don't truth finally surfaces one day, sooner or later?

yes, i hate liers. more the kind that think lying (white lies) are juz innocent covers for their real underlying meanings.

i'm not shallow. i think alot. i analyze like a maniac over the simpliest thing. nothing is simple in this world. or they thought so...

don't rebutt me on my analytical skills as being overly sensitive. every being with enough brains can do so.

don't try and cover up and hide the reality from anyone. they'll know its fake - even if u're the best lier in the world.

i read body languages. i see their behaviour when they reply my questions. how fidgity they become. how long do they take to think of an appropriate answer. thats why most peeps don't enjoy conversations with me.

nobody likes someone who can tell whether u're truthful or not. nobody likes to be examined under a microscope as i do so and be told in the face "please dun fake to me"

how hypocritical any being can be. how unintelligent they are to realise that their stupidity and lies would not be observed and forseen by me.

that's why i neva trust anyone but myself. whats trust anyway? when this world is revolved around successful salesmen who can born out wonderful white lies juz to hit their quotas? when the whole economy of money-makers are juz plain exploiters in bidst to bluff their way tru' it all?

the basis of trust is not even in my family. how much can u trust ur family to be truthful and uphold what u want and wish for? they judge and go by their own inkling too, thats what humans are - beings of self-made judgements and righteousness.

dun be so easily swayed by any who uses the phrase "trust me". in actual fact, their perception of trust is corrupted by selfish desires and their own goals. thats what we are made of. "self-want" and "self-love"

do lecturers actually want their students to perform well in exams for their pupils' bright own little future? or are they juz gaining performances and achievements in being able to groom an establish successful disciple - well-learnt, to add to their list of well-graded students in order to gain recognition for their remarkable efforts in "teaching" hence be rewarded thereafter? or be titled "a great teacher"

do some politicians in the spore government actually want the best for spore's growth and development or do they want a prosperous country that will in turn fill their already fat pockets with more gold

do the donors of the recent calamity actually donate out of free-will or do they want to profit from the disaster - seeing it as an opportunity for hitting sales, gaining popularity for being "compassionate and helpful" and making a profit in return.

do u see Lee Kuan Yew or any other famous sporean politicians appear in the media for making a generous donation to any catastrophes of such? none i suppose since any sum of donations they have made and should in any case be publicly known who bring forth the wrath of people who will remark "he so rich only donate so little???"

and what will become it?? media of any form so oppressed by spore's government would not dare offend their own "sayang" employer's name... since in turn, should they face the option of being sacked?? or fined??

do u see them publicly encouraging sporeans to be generous to the help associations? or towards the almost monthy charitable variety shows that urges sporeans to donate donate and donate.

yes? humans are selfish. even for the "helpful" government of spore. there will always be the perception "i donate for wad? i help encourage... but other ppl will donate". how rich is the average sporeans? minus tax and CPF... what meagre sum can they sustain and live on to boom the economy, not forgetting monthly "donations"

this is a corrupt world we live in. perhaps not corrupt in terms of monetary offences for some countries like spore (but i still beg to differ). favouritism, biasness, lies, hypocrises, oppressions and what other sins are prevalent. don't judge a person to readily by their "goodness". every being does things for a reason, juz as everything happens for a reason.

be it for good or bad.

the line between good and evil/sinning is so thin, that some undoubtingly shallow folks can't seem to identify which side any actions or doings actually falls into.

he called

2005-01-08T17:10:00.000+08:00

yest nite whilst having coffee at gardens wif daniel... he called me!!!

i was so shock and gleefully touched!

"HARLOW!!"
"baby..."
"DARLING!!!!! u call me!!!!"

reasons for me being delighted
1) he really promised he'll call and he did!
2) he's first word was... "baby..." i'm ridiculously touched and tickled
3) i actually know now that he really misses me as i have too
4) when he was there enjoying he also tinks of me
5) he promises to call again on tues before he flies back on wed
6) he smses me too
7) he knows abt my ingenius secret *shh*

wad is my ingenius secret...
after he had packed his luggage i had secretly slipped in a photo frame of us. apparently he found out only when he had checked into the hotel :p

he has it put up beside his bed now (i hope so)... so that he'll think of me!! heeheehee

before that i requested he brought it with him... but! he said he was a very gay thing to do.... hah! so i made him bring it BY FORCE! ok... its my underhand doing i admit. i'm evil.

before he left on fri morn... we spent sometime together on thus at his house (no one was at home) gave him 2 sleeveless sweater-cum-shirt and a bottle of sparkling apple juice( he wasn't suppose to drink before his flight the next day) as a bon voyage gift (he likes them!). but we had no time to open the bottle... so probably when he gets back...

i hope he does millions of shopping for me... can't wait for his presents... but most of all... can't wait to dig my claws into him again... much less feel his warmth beside my bare flesh...

ter go bali liao!!!

2005-01-07T18:24:00.000+08:00

goodness. ter is gone for a week to bali. its his annual company function meeting that has forced me to be seperated from him for a week!

its only been half a day so far and i already cannot tahan! my friends were saying about the prostitudes and call-gers over there... aplenty. its getting me all hyped-up...

jesus. i'm a bundle of nerves. yet so frustratingly lonely. i miss him already!

he said when he touch-down at bali airport he'll gimme a call... BUT! its already evening... yet no calls from him T.T

i wonder wads he doing now... i wonder whether he is cheating on me! i wonder whether he's thinking abt me! i wonder whether he misses me!

he goes with his collegues there... i wonder whether amongst them got any gers who is a possible threat! gers soo easily falls for him... wad if he falls for her too!!

before he left i called him to chat one last time this morn... but he seems so occupied. dowan to chat much... wanna hang up... his mind was elsewhere... AHHHH!! i'm so paranoid.

i cannot wait for wed to come. he's arriving and i'm gg to be there when he touch-down! i wonder whether he'll recognise me still.

i had a nightmare the other night where i screamed really loudy "DARLING!!!" all happy and excited that he's back! but he turned ard and looked at me in amazement "do u know u?" *silence* den i woke up.

ok la... i sld not be so scared. but then its every ger's ultimate fear rite?? tat ur guy goes overseas and anyhow!!!

sucks la... this is hundred times worst then he goes clubbing every night. somemore he's so hard-core blow-job-addict.

*panic*

love story

2005-01-06T02:21:00.000+08:00

once there was a man madly in love with his princess. everyting he did was for her. she was a special shining star in the night. he sacrificed and gave up all his emotions for her. she was the only one that made him feel this way in a long time. before that he neva really knew wad love was.

then came a time. of bleak sadness, where these two lovers were split apart by an unveiling force. yet an undescribable still held them together. it was their power - of love.

they were not meant to end this way... or is it? can they repress the alien force that's hurting them? should they have so from the start? regrets and confusions, turmoils and unappropriate decisions, senstivity-nill amongst all, smouldering their depression.

better to die then to be longing for the other, dreaming of the day of renuion. yet knowing fully that it'll hardly surface.

nonetheless, hardship was encountered. they weathered periods of longing for each other. they held onto the precious memories that would so fearfully be forgotten if they had led it slipped tru' their fingers - like fine grain sand that fell from an hour glass. each moment of missing the other only made the missing grow deeper. the pain can neva be deeper than it was now.

then the man met new woman. who deeply loved him. who cherished him. who gave up everything for him. who changed into a new being - a better being, juz to make it possible between them. yet she knew all her doings were at lost. becoz deep down in his heart, he only love one... the princess he misses deeply.

so this woman kept on going. trying very hard to impress upon him. touch him with her caring behaviour. to prove that she was really true towards him. to want that final day to arrive... where he could let time heal the wounds between princess and him... and allow her into his life. to say to her "i love u"

day and night she slogged. day and night she wept. even on the same bed, there was emptiness. the man likes the new woman. but he doesn't love her. he only holds onto their relationship becoz they have a tight circle of bounded friends that they all knew and were close to. to end their relations, would mean ending his circle of friends. he was in a dilemma.

he was with this new woman becoz he had accepted her undying chase for him. yes. this woman was of modern-aged. she chased him. becoz she felt him to be the ONE. the stable one that would change and be a good husband in the future. and above all, she loves the man.

he lies beside her. yet he doesn't give her the sudden sprung of passion nor affections. all night long... all days long, she awaits the time that he'll hold her tightly, kiss her passionately and tell her "i love u".

so all night long, she tries to seduce him. yet he touches her none. then resigned, she turns to her side, and weeps in agony, for the suffering and pain she is going through. of lonesome, of self-pity, of grief that all her emotions are hanging on the shelf that he doesn't even borther to view.

but can she put aside him and get on? no. same for the man. both have their ones they truly love. they know deep down inside wad love is. perhaps their definations of love is different? i doubt so.

wad a disastrous romance it has been. how messy can it get. to love a person so deeply, yet not being able to reciprocate that feeling nor get it back from the other. its a feeling worse then death.

genuine facts

2005-01-05T00:50:00.000+08:00

my blogs seem to contain mainly complains. okay this post isn't much of a complain but rather an irritated gleeful contented me trying to crap up some shit enough to entertain u folks. not that my craps are total LIES??

genuine fact number 1:
terence likes to fart in front of me. or rather at me. he likes to stop a conversation or sexcavate like this "wait wait wait......*pooot*"

very anti-climax sometimes. but then again... couples that have grown use to each other and into each other usually display such obscene habits.

juz like me... i like picking my nose in front of him and make him irritated by trying to clean the grubs on his t-shirt MUAHAHAHHAAA! (okay i didn't juz tell my secret out did i???)

yes its funny. ticklishly honest. humourously entertaining. i'm not complaining! other than the fact that today i was squatting having a puff when he farted right in my face as his ass was facing me. And i even felt the hot air across my cheeks......

>.<

poor me.

luckily its a LOUD LOUD fart. which means not so much SMELL! if not i'll neva have lived till now to blog it.

genuine fact number 2:
i like to pat his dicky and talk to it. yes and i do ignore him completely and become extremely submersed in my conversation with Mr Penis.

for instance like today whilst stroking it as he was sleeping...
"sayang sayang.... boy boy must be good okay! jiejie dun see u next week u muz behave ok! cannot anyhow go out and see ppl... cannot anyhow stand here stand there poke here poke there... must miss jiejie... jiejie will miss u too... sayang"
then followed by more stroking and kiss-kiss.

i'm mad.

ok not so.

i'm juz trying to make him irritated and annoyed so that he'll quit sleeping straight after sex.

its a darn big put-off to find him snoring immediately after sex! yes... and i usually succeed in getting some noises from him (of annoyance)

"oi...."
"tsk..."

but at least his dick still responds to my stroking thereafter even if his remarks appear uncouth :p

worst pick-up line!

2005-01-04T00:12:00.000+08:00

wads the worst pickup line i've gotten so far??

yest nite was the most tramutizing ever!

apparently on new year's day my shu-shu aka uncle jeff brought me down to his frequent hang-out at White House (a place at chinatown)

------------------------------------------------------

the pub was very chill n was decorated zen style (i like!). totally awesome. other then the fact that the gers there dun know a single feminity.

i mean zero fem. gorgeous on the outside but once they open their mouth.... all the unthinkable "hokkien" stuff pours out. their vulgarity and crudeness overshadowed their outer appearance.

no wonder uncle jeff remarked that my statement of their beauty first-handedly as i met them and shaked their hands was a total woo-haa. they are ugly gers, not by their flawless beauty, but by their ettiques and behaviour that unwittingly surfaced as the night prolonged.

------------------------------------------------------------

so back to the story abt a hell of a pick-up line.

uncle jeff has this best friend called david aka shanghai man, which i nicknamed him after his small weedy eyes and super smooth complexion. not to mention the best chinese language i've stumbled upon since secondary school where truckloads of china teachers bombarded my mandarin classes.

the low-down on david? an extremely good-looking guy. any gers would have died for to get a glimpse of his hot bod. his a gym kinda guy... with the arms and built of a top male model. not to mention the most charming type of smile. and the friendliest attitude that from what i see now, would make him appear to be a playboy.

he has extension... full ones. a black modified sports 4-wheeled animal with turbo and magnificent blue-neon lights (quite the same as uncle jeff). as i said... any ger would die for him... which i almost??

but horror to horror. he made the worst move i ever heard at 3am last nite.

uncle jeff gave him my number, and so big friendly david decided to call (which was a stupid move considering he sounded like he had way too much alcohol)

david "i fell very sick after that night i met u... so i went to the doctor to seek for help. but the doc said he had no cure or medication for me... do u know why?"

me - was irritated and very put-off but remained silent (DUH I HEARD THAT LINE BEFORE U TINK I"M DUMB??) "wad"

david "becoz the doctor said i am suffering from lovesickness"

me - wanted to puke "ok"

david "can u come downstairs so that i can see u awhile and pass u a present? i got a gift specially for u today coz i tot jeff will bring u down"

me "i wan to sleep tok tml ok"

david - not wanting to give up "okay u go rest.. later if u wan to meet me awhile i will come and find u"

me "ok bye"

------------------------------------------------------
few minutes later....
------------------------------------------------------

david called again! trying to get my address! *I AM ANNOYED* why can't u let me get to sleep in peace!

------------------------------------------------------
few minutes later....
------------------------------------------------------

my hp beeped. its a text msg. FROM HIM!
"sorry if i offended you... btw did u tell ur bf?"

DUH of coz i told my bf... n my bf is nonchanlant abt it also... since he said to me "u not the first time got guys lidat already ma"

ya this is not my first time getting weird confessions from a guy i juz met and befriended the night before. at least gimme some credits for being so highly attractive can??

or be proud that ur gf is still marketable and "prized" in the "love" industry... guys even dun mind me having bf. FWAH! but would i fall for such low-class guys with no pride?? that's an entire story altogether

okay rather thick-skinned.

------------------------------------------------------

so cut the long story short. guys these days are really a failure! how can u actually say that kinda pick-up line to me! as if i stayed in a jungle all my life and have not come across such "hilarious" lines to know that they ain't ORIGINAL!

david... word of advice... try harder.

Do i look lk a hooker?

2005-01-03T01:20:00.000+08:00

ALAMAK! i wan to complain...

why everytime when i'm out and appear alone... there's always "cheehong" guys coming up to me and use low-class pick-up lines?? and why everytime its mostly eurasians or ang mohs with very weird slangs!!

new year that nite, missy here waiting for GOD-DAMN cab (which neva appears) from 3am after partying till 7+ in the morning... at the taxi STAND LEH!!! still got men come n try to be a cockheaded-animal with me...

i must be looking lk a hooker.... WHERE GOT!!!

guy A commented that i had really nice long hair... erm okay thanx? then proceeded to say wanna befriends and its the new year n all... crap!

FEW MINUTES LATER....

guy B exclaimed really loudly all the sudden (as sudden as he appeared beside me?) "HOW are you????

me "............."

"WHERE ARE U HEADING??? wad do u do???"

me "ignores trying to be nice and looks away"

stupid ang moh still tried harder this time....
"u waiting for cab??? can i call one for u and den i share wif u?"

me "DONT NEED"

-ter came n shaked his hand den grabbed mine and we exited the scene-
grumbling: "u dunno how to siam them one leh"

me: muses with glee, at the same time rather irritated that i look like a HOOKER???!!!

SEAFOOD epidemic

2004-12-29T22:50:00.000+08:00

This is a public health Statement/warning - (am i not helpful??) :D

please refrain from having any forms of seafood

Fish,

prawns,

sotong,

crabs,

turtles,

cockles and clams

South-east asia region was hit by a massive earthquake (9.0 on the richter scale) that caused tidal waves and tsunamis to crash into costal areas like phuket, Sri Lanka and Penang.

Due to the overwhelming number of deaths and rotten bodies still awaiting rescue efforts of Red Cross International, authorities are fearing a widespread occurance of water-borned diseases like choleria.

Hence, for this one month... if u ain't love the idea of dining off human flesh which have been stomached by most of the sea creatures... kindly abstain from them.

insommia or sleeplessness?

2004-12-28T03:22:00.000+08:00

have to confess. every time he goes out with what he says is his guy friends to drink... i suffer from sleepless nights.

i stay up, awaiting his call, hoping he'll be back early each time. but the clock juz continues to tick away... till its past 3am... and proceeds onto 5am then 7am...

why am i suffering and sacrificing my sleep? it stinks!

why does he find enjoyment in drinking and scandalous lifestyles so much that he has to go "DIE DIE MUST GO" at least twice a week.

why can't he be like normal men, who mingles and does what normal folks to... sleep b4 12midnight... have a heart for the family and helps out at home.

why is he able to afford extravagent splurges on beer and cigerettes and complain yet that he ain't enough money for me.

why does he turn off his hp each time he goes out to drink.

why is he neva tired of the night-life and want to become like every grown up men is... responsible and knowing their limits

why does he not want to take care of his health but rather drinks until he vomits every time and sleeps at the void staircase till his mama wakes him up

why does he not act his age... 29 yet still as irresponsible and immature to see the bigger picture of things

why does he not want to reassure me of his presence... where he is at and who he is really with...

why does he lie to me every time... hide things from me... and thinks that i'm naive to believe him

why does he tinks that lying to me such basic things would earn me my trust in him in the long run

why does he tinks that such lies are deemed white lies

taiwanese pop star?

2004-12-27T02:11:00.000+08:00

for once and for all....

I do not look like the taiwanese actress HUANG JIA QIAN (my hanyu pinyin correct?)

I dun even know how she looks like!

please gimme a pic of her to let me examine carefully. in any case, b4 that happens... (stop referring to me looking like her).

so therefore i conclude....

if u guys keep insisting then....

Huang Jia Qian LOOKS LIKE ME!

hence if u wan to keep stressing our similarities...

i suspect she had some plastics done to her...

to copy me.

CHRISTMAS EVE!

2004-12-25T17:26:00.000+08:00

YEST WAS SOOOOO FUN!

okay probably the best christmas i had... coz it was filled with laughter, relaxation, love and excitement?!
not forgetting delicious fooood!

had first made my way (by cab of coz) to his place... coz apparently his dad cooked a whole pot of real awesome curry... and had asked him to invite me over to eat (so sweet)

after curry, had some exercise... which wasn't really that romantic... one can neva ask for too much since romance is something that cannot be demanded for (even by me)

headed down to clark quay's attica for some chill-out and nice grooves.
then we took this half-drunk pic

haha! for the first half i was juz standing there gasping at all the SPGs in the house! neva saw so many congregate together in my life! yes, SPGs wif half of their boobs hanging out and skirts short as hell.

---------------------------------------------------------

so countdown was not a big hoo-haa. other then that we had our own countdown...

"MERRY CHRISTMAS DARLING!!!"

"merry christmas baby"

-pulls his face close and plants a hundred kisses-

"i wan a romantic long smoooch!" (mouth like a goldfish telling him that)

"lol! dowan la! (kept smiling and looking embarrassed)

(muz be the champange reaction... i dun normally act so horny)

-pulls his head towards me and plants big fat smooch on his lips wif all the saliva threatening to drip down-

"ahhhhh!!!! baby! alot of ppl here!"

-smiles hornily-

----------------------------------------------------

incidentally, i was in the ladies wearing my hot kaki boots when 2 bapoks appeared from nowhere, and scared me by saying: "wAH! DaRlinG! i LiKe uR shOes!!! BuY frM whEre?? CaN taKe ouT let Mi WeaR awHilE?"

-silence due to shock-

"haha! u so fuNnY baBe... i BuY frM HmV HeEreN! CaNnOt lEt u TrY la! mY fEeT toO smAlL?!"

-fake laughters in the powder room-

BaPok number 1) "my tits are so itchy.... muz be all the beer!"

baPok number 2) "darling... did u see that hottie juz now?? OOOPS! SHIT!!! *giggles"

-their champange bottle which they stupidly place on the trash bin exterior fell in. they proceeded to clamp open the bin, and retrieved the bottle whilst giggling (i feel like throwing up).

bapOk number 2) "lucky neva open yet darling... *giggles*"

-sees me running out of the ladies with a fake smile-

fuck the clique

2004-12-24T01:19:00.000+08:00

this probably should be put on paper clearly... a long time ago.

the clique: consisting of several members of gers that used to grow up together... from pri school to sec school and then to JC.

let me put this straight. after a blur "outing", which consisted of juz dinner and endless yakking, i'm left to ponder what is it that actually binds us together.

i'm not being nice here anymore. nor "try" to be even the slightest NICE to any of the CLIQUE members.

THIS IS A TRUE AND UNBIAS ACCOUNT FROM ME. in any case, none of u are guts enough to mention it out.

firstly, everything is so darn FAKE! why the dressing up so nicely as if one's going to a club? why the fanciful teh-ish tone when toking to each other? why the sweet talk in the first place? it pisses me off how horribly unreal we appear to each other. we were neva like that years back! WHY NOW!

lets give n take. each of us has a certain character of her own. each has their own interests and dislikes. must one judge another by their own preferences?

it revels to a point that i'm juz so fed up with this whole "i'm doing so well and becoming more glam" thing that it has made me become absolutely numb to whatever sweet talk or big group hugs that exists.

I WALK ALONE.
I SAY WHATS REAL, STRAIGHTFORWARD AND WHATEVER THAT COMES TO MY MIND, NOT SUCIDAL HONEY COATED LANGUAGES... so shoot me for my directness.
I CANNOT BE BORTHERED TO DRESS UP IN DAINTY N SCANTILY CLAD "COSTUMES".

best of all... I DUN CARE WHAT HELL U JUDGE ME WITH AND AGAINST.

This is a dissing-out entry i'm blogging. YET i'm not directly attacking any one of u individually. however offended u feel reading this, i expect most of u are feeling somewhat in agreement with what i say... its the fact.

i'm sick and tired of being present at "outings" that consists of some of u ppl's judgemental head-to-toe attacks from ur eyes, endless yakking that doesn't seem to realise that "HEY! there's some ppl who doesn't get what you're chatting so excitably over?" and perhaps thoughts that flashes across each n every one of our minds "omg... when is their conversation ever gg to end".

this cannot work. i tell all of u. i'm finished with incessant grp dates that makes us appear a bunch of bimbos dressed to kill and yet pretending to be icy sweet.

everything's wrong.
we're all on different wavelengths.
we're all judging each other - it hurts BIG TIME.
we're all insensitive bitches.
we're all too vain and full of pride.

each yearly grp dates... increases my want for a more down-to-earth meeting. why bother with everything else? the purpose of meeting is not to flaunt and compare. What's the real purpose then?

PLEASE TELL ME

pressies pressies

2004-12-23T15:03:00.000+08:00

okie x'mas coming!

ba ba booo!!! lets see wad i've gotten so far... (not much)

mum gave me $50 to get this pair of kaki boots-cum-sneakers, which is AWESOME! stylish and cliche... i'm loving it!

ben hoo came back from penang after a week, and my long-awaited pressie is...... a strange ciggie box which can doll out ciggies with a strange flip of button :) thanx ben!

shall be meeting my clique later for dinner at 6. happy times!

although i am QUITE ANNOYED!

had juz ONE piece of my mum's delicious almond choc the past few days... ONE PIECE ONLY!
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and TAH DAH!!! got PIMPLE instantaneously... ON HOLIDAYS SEASON?!!? 3 to be exact... painful and big big~!

god i hate chocs....

or sld i say... i'm super sensitive... literally... to it. -BLEAH-

dying

2004-12-22T15:10:00.000+08:00

oh no oh no... i'm really dying?

yest nose bled... 3 tissue's stained with fresh blood... n i didn't even feel pain during that 45 min torture!

today coughed out phelgm and blood... my lungs feels congested..

can i add the phelgm is greenish thick-collated and the blood is like period blood clots on the menstral pad?

yes give me ur last blessings. i'm dying.

i need change

2004-12-21T14:35:00.000+08:00

i tink i need a change in my group of junkies! I need some BIG BIG change!

like the packs i hang out with. like the gossips i'm incessantly involved in. Doesn't do me any good.

its same for some avid fresh-heads... excited beings... giving me new look into wads enjoyment...

shall rearrange all my norms and expectations.

now is time for a new different type of leash in life.

MuST!
-should try to become a better drinker
-must be more friendly and less "fierce"
-think how to change the group of dopies i get high with
-shall mingle more with negative connatations
-try getting more hang-outs
-will uphill my appearance
-may try fashion-statements

*the venture cow is more pricey then the stable's bull*
*the outside grass is much greener then here*

this is kelvin

2004-12-20T14:16:00.000+08:00

BO CHAP! I still gg to post it!
i'm so sorry kelvin. but u're simply too beautiful to escape my blogging routine. haha! some publicity for u... this horribly handsome dude is 23 years old. claws are coming out from my girlfriends now...

so beautiful ppl catch my eyes. i hunt them down like a slayer. my reasoning is that should one day the world became a stony boring concrete spot-on, perhaps viewing a few pretty faces in the crowd might keep us educated and comprehensive of what nature has given to us -- evolution of the gorgeous people.

he carried me

2004-12-18T17:38:00.000+08:00

one year ago i took an x'mas pic at grand corpthone water front... in front of the giant christmas tree...

one year later i was back there again before partying my guts out at zouk. the familiar christmas tree still sits there, though i've become a year old... and hopefully wiser.this is how i've grown

recollections of last nite was all a big blurz...

but i remembered being K.O on the sofa of joachim's living room... and my darling had carried me into jo's bedroom to let me have a rest amidst my head spinning, drunken state.

every ger fancies a good strong partner who will take care of them. in his arms as he held me, lifting me up in one strong momentum and steadily taking me to rest ideally, i felt warmth all over.

i LOVE the way he carries me! like a puppy who will always feel safe and secure in the arms of his owner... he'll always be there to protect me :)

--------------------------------------------------

on a lighter note:

Here, what's in the hearts and on the minds of today's teenage girls (for parents):

1. I think about sex -- a lot.

There's no question that sex is a topic of intense fascination for teens. But just because they're fascinated, doesn't mean they're doing it.

One of the stereotypes that still seems to be true, even in the 21st century, is that girls and women are more emotional than boys and men. So when teen girls think about sex, they often think about it in the context of their feelings.

Sometimes this is problematic, because a girl can be persuaded to think that if she really loves a guy, it's okay to have sex with him, and even, on some level, required.

At the same time, girls' emphasis on feelings can make them cautious, because they aren't typically looking to go out and "get laid."

In fact, in a survey one teen magazine did last year of 15,000 girls, a whopping 73 percent reported that they were virgins, and 49 percent of those said they were proud of it.

Given how powerful hormones are, and how much sexual imagery there is in the media, it's natural that the teen is going to talk and read about sex.

But think of it this way: She's being driven by a need to find out information -- about her body, his body, the repercussions of her decisions -- and studies have found that the more educated girls are about their sexual options, the less likely they are to get pregnant.

2. I want to be a star -- or at least be with a star!

Whether it was Singapore idol's sly, jay chou, the S.H.E or Michael Jackson, every generation has swooned over some idol. But the current generation of girls seems to have taken celebrity worship to new heights, or lows, depending on your point of view.

Girls are now craze enough to be devoted to pleadings for a meeting, date or tour with the star of their dreams. There seemed to be little understanding -- even among this relatively savvy and streetwise generation -- that these working celebrities really can't arrange to hang out with fans.

Second, despite what the stars say in interviews about the backbreaking work necessary to attain their status, more and more kids seem to think that becoming a celebrity is a genuine career option.

To parents I say: Make fun of this fantasy at your own risk. You'll only be further alienated from your daughter. Instead, I recommend exposing your teen to other career tracks -- starting with your own or your husband's.

Show your teen the challenges, responsibilities and rewards of your work, and don't be afraid to expose the frustrations or stresses. Your daughter will appreciate being taken seriously.

3. I take your cash flow for granted.

The downside of the last decade's thriving economy is that most teens don't understand the concept of waiting to get what they want.

Even if you're personally trying to hold the line, there will easily be two or three other parents in your daughter's school who already bought their teen the cutting-edge nonskip CD player, or the latest designer boots, or booked the entire dance club, complete with live band, for her sweet-16 party.

Your child will not be placated with tales of "When I was your age, I was thrilled to get a new pair of high-tops." She will likely feel entitled to whatever goodies are dangled in front of her by increasingly aggressive marketing tactics that have spilled out of the confines of commercials into regular TV programming (consider all the brand-waving on TV sitcoms and reality shows).

Your only recourse is to decide what's appropriate to spend on her extracurricular life, then make her earn her own money to buy goodies beyond that amount. Over the course of your daughter's lifetime, easy money will not be guaranteed, and this is a lesson that's less painful learned early than late.

4. I'm not religious, but I am spiritual.

This generation of teens may not be setting any records for church attendance, but they do, when asked, characterize themselves as believers in God and are interested in issues of faith.

Even teens who didn't necessarily relate to born-again Christianity admired Cassie Bernall, one of the girls who was killed in the Columbine High School massacre, for allegedly not backing down on her religious convictions, even to save her life.

Today's teens also believe in putting their money where their mouths are. They say they are more likely to buy brands that give back in some way -- by donating money to the environment or by being concerned about the animal population.

And while teens certainly pick pop icons based on style and coolness, they tend to love those stars more if they stand for something, such as helping to fight cancer or building homes for the poor.

5. My bedroom is the seat of my soul.

The "Keep Out" sign on a teen's room is a cliche by now, but one that's still useful to heed. More than ever, girls use their bedroom decor as a way to express their creativity and individuality.

A staple of a teen girl's room these days is at least one wall plastered with hundreds of cutout photos of favorite celebrities, as well as photos of her and her friends. But it doesn't stop there.

Themed rooms (her favorite sport, her favorite season, her favorite place) or colors that match her mood at that moment are in force.

Maybe it isn't your particular aesthetic to have a mural of mythical sea creatures painted all over the ceiling, but consider this: If your daughter is proud of her bedroom, she is far more likely to invite her friends over to hang out. And if you like the idea of knowing where she is, you'd better get used to photo collages and multicolored murals.

6. I worry about my looks all the time.

One of my most heartbreaking discoveries was how much time girls spend assessing their physical attractiveness -- and deciding they came up short. This was the only obsession that really came close to rivaling their fascination with guys.

One of the ways I tried to help was to divide their concerns into attributes they could do nothing about (height, for example) and those they could (weight).

The problem was, the list of things girls believed they could -- and should -- do something about grew every day. (the troubling rise of plastic surgery among girls, that showed that liposuction for teens was up 132 percent.)

Of course, not every girl worried that she was too fat. While teens liked reading about exercise and nutrition, too many of them were couch potatoes with dismal diets.

To showcase girls who were naturally and joyously athletic is a must. These girls were normally proportioned and usually had self-confidence to spare.

So, do be vigilant about this problem. When you're looking for fun family outings, break out the bicycles instead of take-out pizza and a video. And do keep telling your daughter she's beautiful to you, and will be beautiful to those who truly see her soul.

These verbal embraces are necessary inoculations against the demons of self-doubt that eat at your daughter daily.

7. My friends are everything.

It would be hard to exaggerate, especially for girls, just how critical their girlfriends are in their lives. As a parent, you'll sometimes feel -- if you haven't already -- that you're less important to your daughter than her 12 best friends. In a certain way -- take a deep breath -- this is true.

What her crew offers her that you can't (and shouldn't!) is a place in the world where she is an equal, an operator, where she has a shot at controlling her destiny and identity. That's a heady feeling. With you, she will always be the kid.

A dinner out with you...well, later for that. Try your best not to be destroyed or enraged by this attitude, because it will pass. Your daughter may be 22 by then, but, hey, that still leaves you a good 40 years of dinners together.

8. Love hurts.

From where you sit -- working, doing chores, keeping your marriage happy, helping your aging parents -- teen life, with its endless pursuit of love and happiness, seems enviable indeed.

Girls are full of tortured questions about guys and love: what to do about being ignored, scorned or betrayed; whether there was life after crushing heartbreak; whether they really were losers in love.

So try to keep your daughter's perspective in mind when you see her on the phone or e-mailing friends for hours. Remember that obsession with love and sex is hardwired into her brain; in a very real sense, she can't help but fixate on this.

If she's talking about one boy 24/7, don't tell her it's just puppy love and that she'll forget about it soon enough. (Don't you still remember your high-school romances?) Take her seriously, and be sensitive to the fact that she feels mystified, mortified or manhandled by the god of love.

9. The world is a scary place.

it is enjoyable to be learning about the workings of the boy brain, and loved to laugh over tales of other girls' embarrassing moments. But the stories that touched them most profoundly, and inspired them to write the most thoughtful letters, were those that addressed the serious -- and often scary -- things that happened in their world.

School shootings. Violent boyfriends. Drugs slipped into drinks at parties.

The reason it was so healing, cathartic and ultimately empowering for troubled girls to go through it by being able to communicate with their peers and parents undoubtingly helps them to know they aren't alone, and that it is possible to survive tragedy.

What's more, testimonials coming from other teens have a much deeper impact on a girl's psyche than a lecture delivered by Mom.

one wrote: "I had been considering having sex, but then I read your story [about teen moms] and it made me realize I'm not ready. Thank you for stopping me from making a bad decision."

the girls need the nuts-and-bolts information they to stay safe. Look closely at the serious stories your daughter is reading, and use them as a jumping-off point for a broader conversation about the issues addressed.

10. I love you, and I need you.

If you're like most parents, you're going to have to wait till about your daughter's thirtieth birthday before she can say, "I love you, Mom," out loud, without stammering and blushing. Until then, you'll endure a lot of abuse and even pain.

But the fact is, girls told me over and over that they loved their parents, even while they were complaining about overly-strict curfews and demands for better grades.

that's important to note: You don't have to abandon discipline or your rightful place as the authority figure to earn your daughter's love.

So unless you're faced with some seriously dysfunctional family dynamic, be assured that despite all the eye-rolling and even occasional venom, your teen daughter does love you, and she wants you to love her. Just don't tell her how you know.

my guy's list - hits and misses

2004-12-16T14:03:00.000+08:00

i shall attempt to memoir down all the males in my life... we'll see how the list progresses from there...

1st boy in my life: jeremy nah

age: 15

attraction rating: 65%

days committed: 1-3months

average number of fuck-action: nil

average number of quarrels: nil

mode of contact: pager-mode=alpha-numerical style

reason for attraction:puppy-love,competition amongst band-mates for the best catch

how we get together: he dated me out with a dumb request for tutoring him

first date session: "studying at serangoon garden's cartel" ended up in serious engagement of eye contact and high-level blush action

reason for dismissal: he got too frightened when we made-out

real reason for break-up: i touched his penis

extra real reason for "bye-bye": he was still a kid

amount of affections i put in: 50% (not a man in my eyes yet)

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2nd boy in my life: joseph ho

age: 16

attraction rating: 80%

days committed: 6months

average number of fuck-action: nil

average number of quarrels: 40%

mode of contact: sms-mode, i call and hang up he call back (starhub mode)

reason for attraction: he was tall, manly, smart and a real big gentleman

how we got together: morning walks to sch made us bumped into each other where he'll ogle at me whilst i act dao. thereafter he attended my sch's band function and we soon started dating.

first date session: movies at cine and bus rides to-and-fro

reason for dismissal: both our parents got in the way of things

real reason for break-up: we were both too horny teens + adapting to JC life was taxing on our time spent together

extra real reason for "bye-bye": we neva successfully had sex becoz he was way too big and i was way too scared of the pain

amount of affections i put in: 85% (what can i say? he is really a man in my eyes! the biggest penis i ever saw and touched)

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3rd boy after my life: jieyong

age: 17

attraction rating: 20%

days committed: nil

average number of fuck-action: nil

average number of quarrels: nil

mode of contact: hp sms and calls

reason for attraction: neva had attraction, though he was very very nice to me

did we got together: nil

reason for dismissal: he realised all the time spent wasted on me coz i'll neva fall for him :D

amount of affections i put in: 0% (he looked good at certain angles however he was too skinny for my liking... i like brawns and brains... though neither he possessed)

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4th boy after my life: spike

age: 20

attraction rating: 15%

days committed: 1 week

average number of fuck-action: nil

average number of quarrels: nil

mode of contact: he calls, i don't bother

reason for attraction: he was an ex-acjcian, so i rather tot i looked up to him as a senior w/o any affections

how we got together: ac party he hunted me down high and low whilst i was trying to hide from him BECOZ i didn't want to leave my handsome guy friend sam phua *drools*

reason for dismissal: he was super childish

real reason for break-up: he wanted sex but i didn't comply and eventually he left :)

extra real reason for "bye-bye": he was an ego-maniac juz trying to score wif gers

amount of affections i put in: 10% (army boys: they're all unreliable)

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5th boy after my life: zhaobin lim

age: 16

attraction rating: 0%

average number of fuck-action: nil

average number of quarrels: nil

mode of contact: eeee! who wan to contact him?!

why i bothered to be nice: coz he was some sort our band member's friends so BE NICE SHERRY!

how we didn't get together: he scared the wits out of me on his birthday party at his house where he pleaded me to be his gf in front of the WHOLE BAND!

reason for dismissal: i suspected he was anorexic

real reason for break-up: he was short, looked weird having shed so many kilos all the sudden

extra real reason for "bye-bye": i cannot imagine him naked (where's the puke bucket?)

amount of affections i put in: 0% (gives me the creeps)

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6th boy who ruined my life: daniel tan

age: 22

attraction rating: 45% (den progressively got lesser n lesser)

days committed: nil

average number of fuck-action: 1

average number of quarrels: nil

mode of contact: calls on hp

reason for attraction: tot he was a nice decent fello

how i hated him to the core: he betrayed my trust and ended up raping me (there goes my virginity)

reason for dismissal: fuck-core pervert

real reason for break-up: i felt cheated

extra real reason for "bye-bye": after raping me he vanished for close to a month (guilty?)

amount of affections i put in: 30% (ruined my life)

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7th boy in my life: victor sim

age: 22

attraction rating: 20%

days committed: 20 days

average number of fuck-action: 1

average number of quarrels: nil

mode of contact: sms

reason for attraction: down-to-earth character

how we got together: frequent chionging sessions with him and his group of friends

reason for dismissal: penis too small but thinks its very big, played porn video for me to see????!!! *pukes*

real reason for break-up: when putting on condom "huh u stand already ah??"

extra real reason for "bye-bye": i tink he was offended

amount of affections i put in: 20% (last contacted he had juz ROM with a ger named wendy... poor lady... having to suffer the 3cm jelly like penis for her whole life)

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8th boy in my life: ziwei

age: 23

attraction rating: 80%

days committed: 1month

average number of fuck-action: plenty

average number of quarrels: nil

mode of contact: hp

reason for attraction: i really liked this fellow... he was filial and trustworthy.. he had everything going for him... he was gd-looking tall hunky and had wonderful assets, best of all he knew my tots in-and-out... we had some kind of common attributes that pulled us together

how we got together: dated alot, drank alot, danced alot, made out alot, liked him super alot

reason for dismissal: he was in the process of mending a broken heart with his ex, i tot i could wait the long wait... but eventually emotions got the better of me

real reason for break-up: i insisted he made me officially his ger

extra real reason for "bye-bye": he was too sentimental and still clinging onto his 6 years relationship

amount of affections i put in: 70% (i really really liked this guy *sigh!*)

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9th boy in my life: joey

age: 22

attraction rating: 45%

days committed: 1month

average number of fuck-action: AVERAGE-boring

average number of quarrels: 5-8 times

mode of contact: hp

reason for attraction: sorta rushed into things becoz wanted to revert my attention off from my exs

how we got together: chiong alot at dblo

reason for dismissal: he got bad breath

real reason for break-up: he suddenly disappeared for a week and i was unable to contact him, thereafter he called and explained he was outfield "HEY! YOU AT LEAST SLD HAVE CALLED TO TELL?" super irresponsible!

extra real reason for "bye-bye": he had a small dick that only was liable for me to sit on, NO OTHER POSITIONS CAN FIT!

amount of affections i put in: 30% (look a man outwardly; is a ger inwardly *phew*)

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10th boy in my life: terence teo

age: 29

attraction rating: 70%

days committed: 1 year 4 months & counting

average number of fuck-action: :D best i ever had

average number of quarrels: plenty *at least 2 times a week*

mode of contact: hp (ya i call i sms, he sometimes reply, most of the time neva)

reason for attraction: i like the way he smiles, the way he sleeps, his diginity, his loyalty, his filial piety, his intellect, and his warm big hug

how we got together: one night i called to arrange for him to sign me into zouk, thereafter he didn't chat wif me much so i jio him a round of tequila shot. before the shot took place, he added "u still owe me a kiss". so after dumping the glass of evil down my throat and sucking the lemon, i planted a big hot wet kiss on his lips. the rest of the night that followed was a series of continuous kissing and making out

reason for Almost break-up: HE is so Bo-cHAP!! and he complain i am very possessive!

amount of affections i put in: 90% (he's my sunshine in the day and my bright shining star at night!)

skate+camel-giraffe+science

2004-12-15T00:54:00.000+08:00

today's events went pretty well... planned for ice-skating session with him last week so today was the big day. weird it seems... with all the kids running or rather skating around, made us feel and look pretty out of place.

short of looking like newbies trying out kiddish stuff, we held our composure... tried very hard to look cool whilst trying super very hard to maintain balance. maybe its the age thats catching up with me... i'm not bragging about how good i am on ice... i was brillant *smugged*

HOWEVER! that was the past... today was horrendously different... me trying just to prevent from falling... in any case should i had fell... DAMN! wetting my jeans with cold icy condensed water and having an ugly patch (like i peed tru' my pants) on my ass as i waddle ard. okay that was IF I FELL! apparently i didn't. AHHHHH! years back i could perform stunts, skipped ard and play fool... but today after hitting the ice with a leaky nose i was merely a big BOREDOM!

so we were skating wriggling amongst teeny-boppers... trying to get a cue of what kinda new sports we can try out besides clubbing and fuck-fun. hands-in-hands, there was times when the child in us came out... fooling ard pushing and pulling each other on the melting ice. i admit... it was fun... romantically irresistible... awkwardly exciting... undoubtingly something different from our day-to-day endevours.

pardon if we look bleak and ashen... it was simply too cold in there to be looking our best!
so he skated abit... rested at the side panel alot... had to pull him away from it as he clinged onto dear life... complaining his calfs were in pain and exhausion... strained at the muscle area... but i always am understanding... besides today was only his second time walking on ice... don't mind him looking like a cross between an overgrown camel and a giraffe... he still looks cute to me... i love him to bits!

after 2 hours of prolong and what seems like forever icy chill temperate torture we headed to catch Blade Trinity. my my... its a god-damn good flick... my favourite type of agenda... VAMPIRES!

*digress digress*

Was at Science Centre... at midnight?! ridicules it must seem... we were monkeys trying out the inventions and science models on display there at the park outside after few cans of beer... and even peed together in the bushes (with him continuously chanting "siam siam siam" in case we accidentally peed on a ghost?!) superstitions... better be safe then sorry...

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he ain't a good boyfriend... nor will i imagine him being a wonderful husband... he is nice... mr big nice guy to his friends and family... but love to him is something unnecessary and excess.

what is love? in his eyes love means being able to die for the other... so no he doesn't love me... he has too much responsibilities in this world to die for a mere youth as i am. any ger who fell for his charms and was with him before would understand. no ger can comprehend fully or tahan months and years with his behaviour and attitude towards them.

But here i am being the biggest fool in the world to want to give it a try. Try to accept him for who he is... his terribly insensitive and outrageously uncouth character towards me... it hurts many a times... breaks my heart to pieces...

short of being drama-mama here... what i speak of is what's real. this is the situation that i cannot tread out of. i've stepped into a hole too deep for me to climb out. the pit-hole signifies not only the dark pitch-black hurt that will always remain in my life but also the unseeing love i possess for him. bystanders do not comply with how i feel. they know only so little.

In life.. there will always be sacrifices made. perhaps this is my destiny... to be so washed-up and blindly overshadowed with my love for him... hence having to reap what i sow.

mishaps

2004-12-13T14:48:00.000+08:00

a series of unfortunate events occured these few days... leaving me unable to function well as a being.. nor have time to idle online and pen excessive junk here. my spirit is not well... that i wholly admit... living life in such a turmoil has been giving me doubts abt wanting to continue the struggle.

i can't eat nor sleep nor think well. the stress is so great i've ignored my whole family and hardly done anything much for them this past week except for turning into my bed to try get some slumber and snooze. yet a good night's rest is so hard to come by... there's always elements of anxiety and anguish in my sleep... recurring in moments of sparked up nightmares...

simplicity is something i always wished for. but difficulties appear as mountains in this simple life i want, threatening to prevent me from walking continuously and steadily in the path i want.

why must i stay on to suffer such plights? why do i deserve such impetous evil in my life? yet i choose to sit in the seat of hell and tremendous pain becoz somehow my life is deserving to be piloted in the direction of hurt.

i see cars skidding past me... i wanna stand before them to be released of the pain.
i look at my elbow and how delicate the skin is moulded into my arm.. i wanna press a blade over it till red liquid trickles down from the sharp's metal mouth.

end my misery God. give me peace of mind. guild me tru' this endless struggle.